A slightly disrupted day. I woke up around 9 with the intention of getting to my essay – later finding out its due next week, probably a good thing I hadn’t done too much. Anyway, I badly wanted to do the breakfast thing with you God. Then nextdoor neighbour started his tractor so I ruled out using the verhanda and opted for the chair in the lounge. I nearly had breakfast ready when Geoff comes an dhe and dad sat down in the lounge. And so that time has been pushed back until now 1:30.
Cleaned my room – stripped a lot of old stuff off the walls and rearranged desk seeing as my room is limited in what you can change. Decided I needed a bit of a change, go to back to more of a minimum. I destress by cleaning – rather if my room is clean I, ha, feel a lot less bothered for some reason. So now I am doing what I wanted to begin my day doing, absolutely nothing except relaxing, writing, praying, music.
It’s strange really – changing things. It’s as if I am ever so slowly letting go fo what was before, less and less clinging to the past and though it will always have a sacred place inside me, it is because so much good came from it and not because I wish myself back to the way I used to be. There is much improved. I will alway smiss the Solomons and the many many fond memories I have of my friends who were more like family.
I have left my heart too long over there and drawing it back hasn’t been something quick and easy. Satistfaction with who I am, where I am has been a battle fought on and off – yet continuously, and it has been a way too effective in presenting it’s lonely face in my present.
God you hold teh past just as much as you do the future.
You know how it affects teh way I live, how I respond and how I think.
Don’t exclude me from it God, because I don’t want to lose that piece of me, but don’t let it dictate me.
Let it be and remain a memory.
..to muse, wonder and disect the past is drifiting through my own life on a shaky cloud platform, my words become the clouds and do not sound like me. This is honesty sheltered in mind words of someone who has spent too long dreaming.