I blogged last night, instead of pen to paper it was fingers to keys. Mentioned my frustrations over isolating the extraverst to get a decent converastion with them and I guess the added difficulty of getting to know the really intro-verts (sic) (Looking back I did not quite elaborate that much on what was going on in my head, but yes).
Surprised again at the way God does stuff. To quote this morning: “Huzzah!”

Lunch time CAF duty, the bit of the day I was sincerely not overly thrilled about. Dishes, dishes. After serving and stuff, people lessened so Michael (probably the most extraverted yits person – and sorry Im going to use the extro/intro thing a lot in this)was helping dry. I internally laughed and thought, hey, here’s an example of, well opportunity where one of them (foreign species aka loud people) is actually there to talk. Ended up having a fairly good – bordering on deep conversation. Was excellent.

This evening, had dinner and stuff so hanging round before 6:30 Youth Ministry class. Went into Basketball ring, a few of the others were there. Anyway, Iain and Amy S were bashing around in Iain’s b-ball wheelchairs, Tracey watching and Darryn, Jessmyn and myself ‘shooting (missing) hoops’. Darryn would be the most introverted (see there I go again) and Jessmyn close behind. Darryn out of the blue asks about church and stuff, so went on about that for a while. I was fairly surprised. I have had decent conv’s with him before but silence is the common ground.
Later Jessmyn got talking about her frustrations of not being more ‘out there’ as she really ‘is’. Ha, sounds familiar. Darryn was in on that too.
Ah God has a brilliant way of making relevant things happen.

Youth Min was fantastic yet again. I love Wednesdays!

Matt 6:19-34 (MSG)

19″Don’t hoard treasure down here where it gets eaten by moths and corroded by rust or–worse!-stolen by burglars. 20Stockpile treasure in heaven, where it’s safe from moth and rust and burglars. 21It’s obvious, isn’t it? The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being…

34“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

God talking to me about the immediate: living in the now. Taking risks – trusting Him.
Enjoying Him and stop my ‘better self initiative’ because God has all the initiative. I am not going to miss out if I let him do the work instead of me.

Lots more to process and not the time now.

So, got home today after a church based conversation with Darryn, a ‘what’s next in life’ conversation with Michael, and a Jess major vent in the car about a (certain church) and wanting a house church/similar style. I challenged her on, what about starting one up (she said she’d want to do it w/ someone else) I didn’t think much more of it.

Home, shower (what is it about them that makes you think more?). I think I was looking in the mirror and I remembered something Janice H said to me about what she could see me doing…. (part omitted)
Then conversations semi clicked…
(not sharing atm)
But lets say I had an experience where my head (and/or God) redefined where I am headed, as in: no uni course as planned etc… which had me tripping out big time.
Worth recording, but I need to pray/think etc about stuff a lot more.

Amy S told me today how Jess D is not big on church any more and is still really grieving her nan’s death. It’s shameful, this is probably my best friend and I hardly take the time to find out what’s going on in herelife. Intend to catch up with her ASAP. Sunday afternoon? And hope to be brave enough to ask some hard questions. (Pray for this please, a) that it will happen if that’s what God wants, and b) that we’ll actually talk and get down to real stuff going on and that I’ll know what to say)

group focus today 2/8 we visited a cemetery, a look at ‘grief’, and (I) spent the majority of time writing whatever came into my head.

——–

What a strange place to think about grief.
I am sitting infront of a beautifully landscaped waterfall, there are graves and colourful flowers. Why use water in a place like this? It’s so full of life, that or a metaphorical washing away of pain. A facinating live thing to stare at, to compliment refection, a noise to block pain?
A renewing.

What has been my experience with grief and loss?
Pets – so shallow it seems now. Gut wrenching moments where you find out, or watch them die.
Shame when you recognised that you cried more for a parrot or a dog than your Opa.

No, my experience with grief stands aside from death and instead lies in change, in leaving.
My grief is in the memories I can never reclaim, and those (people) I seldom see.
Where the closest physically I can have a common ground is the ocean.
Why God does it hurt so much, do I long so much?
How little effort I take in keeping up with them. How I wanted things to stay as they were, and am too fearful, hesitant to place my fingers in the pot.

Why do momentary feelings of intense loss overwhelm me when I least expect it? When I thought I’d gotten over things? 3 and half years.

Always there is more expression of grief. Do the wells of our souls run dry?

What is important about grief?
That in the depth of our loss we find the depth of our love.
The captivating enjoyment, the added dimension that was bought to life through that individiual. What they taught you, what they just even bought aut in you by being part of your life.

Have I even known grief?

What about grief for suffering?
For infact death is the conclusion of pain for those of us with a lasting hope.

Ash Wednesday (re: incident on camp which I have yet to share)
Did I feel grief or compassion?
Can compassion translate into grief? What does it lose? What does it gain?
God where does grief fit into this world?

Is grief a stronger emotion than love? Or do the two go hand in hand?

Love withou grief > Jesus’s death. should we/I grieve that at all? What is acceptable/right – God honoring?

God I don’t understand really what I’m even feeling right now. I’m in this sheltered box with the sound of water drowning out the outside world.
Help me to grieve properly – what I haven’t grieved properly before. Let me love, fill me with compassion, for although it might hurt deeply, I guess the former outweights the problem of pain.

When peace, like a river,
attendeth my way,
When sorrows, like seabillows, roll;
Whatever my lot,
thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

It is well.

What is life?

How full of it this place is. In it’s loud water, naive birds, in the vibrant colours.

Fake flowers keep their colour,
their shape, their form.
They decorate memories vainly stamped in
stone.
Yet they lack life
like those below
They last and they fade
Instead of brilliance before wilting
Fake flowers call to the clanging
attempt at our hold on life.
Our rough sketches at withdrawing
from change.
The permenance we seek in a silent
crowded world.
Like the flowers we wither an die,
but the Lord’s love is with those that fear him (Ps 103)
Why do we wear our own colourful fake
facade?
When truth is a short lived
brilliance that leaves before it
fades.

No journal tonight. Did not feel like it. Not inspired. Beanbag was covered in clothes and a few books – that’s where I sit to write. Wasn’t going to happen.

So I’ll be as changeble as the wind (and use cliches where I like thanks).

Beautiful morning. It felt like spring. Slept in til 10:30 as we only have afternoon classes on tuesday. Slammed the door when Jess tried to open it. Valid reason… cant wear pj’s all day. I did think it was some sister attempting to wake me up. She did the, ‘oh, you act like you’ve just woken up thing’. Well yes. Was in a really amazingly good mood. Don’t know why it’s been like this the past few days but it’s great. Stuffed around for a long while. Had coffee and toast. Made Jess go into Laura’s room to read my ‘Ethics’ book (she hasn’t got one yet) so I could put Sons of Korah up loud. Who doesn’t choose music according to their mood? Relient K and the like is a little hard to take early morning.

Took Job for a walk up to Sam’s place to get her to come down… she’s got the eaiser walk, lucky thing.
Drove to Tabor. Heated up soup, then went outside to have lunch with some of the others. Class: New Testament. I confess I find it fairly boring. They do one class on ‘culturally relevant stuff’ and then one on the more ‘biblical/historical’… they should work in reverse and do the ‘relevant’ stuff last. Makes more sense to me that way. I never really get what they are going on about until about 20mins before the last class ends.

Went to Jess’s place with Alecia. We had a funny time getting out of the Shell (that would be the petrol station). And this crazy woman make frantic gestures at us, thought she was really angry at first, but gave us a grin and we eventually found our way out, had good talk with her. Dinner – all kinds of roast veggies with Jess W, Jess H, Alecia. Watched The Incredibles. I like that movie a lot!

about 7:30-8:00 other YITS people started arriving: Clare, Jo, Tracey, Iain, Amy B, Michael, and those us already there, we watched Napolean Dynamite due to Ben’s raving about it… It was pointless, quite funny, but nothing to go mad about. Good to spend time w/ the others though.

Home. Stuff. Now. Blog.

and how does changeble relate to any of this?

Brilliant morning, boring day with a few people related highlights, fantastic evening, not always entirely positive thought filled night.

No more different than any other day, with its’ pronounced highs and lows.

Thoughts?
That would be lonely frustrations, annoyance at existing friendships that could always be deeper, annoyance at aquaintances that could be friendships, and at myself for not always putting in the best effort. I spread myself thinly sometimes, and it’s almost not worth it.
Sometimes want others to take as much interest as I genuinely take in them, then I tie myself in the knot of condemning myself for such a selfish attitude/wrong motives which could if I let them, dilapitate any interest at all, which would also not be good. Catch 22.

What can you do?

that is a rehetorical question by the way.

oh and a long standing question of mine… what does (sic) mean when seemingly randomly inserted into articles etc, I could guess through context, or even Google it, but maybe you can tell me?

Main type	Variant

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

type score type behavior motivation
1 20 I must be perfect and good to be happy.
5 20 I must be knowledgable and independent to be happy.
8 19 I must be strong and in control to be happy.
9 18 I must be peaceful and easy to get along with to be happy.
6 16 I must be secure and safe to be happy.

—————

Global 5

(RCOEI) Reserved, Calm, Organised, Ecocentric, Inquisitive

withdrawn, not wild and crazy, private, loner, not relationship obsessed, not swayed by emotions, insensitive to the needs of others, unhelpful, interested in intellectual pursuits, avoidant, does not put the needs of others ahead of self, thinks before acting, very scientific, not upset by the misfortune of strangers, avoids small talk, values solitude, private, does not get worked up about most things, fearless, unaffected by the suffering of others, calm in crisis, not easily excited, won’t do much to avoid rejection, not known for generosity, not easily confused, cold, not prone to complimenting others, dislikes most people but tries to get along to minimize hostility, hard to get to know, more dominant than submissive, not easily hurt, driven by reason, influenced more by self than others, rarely worried, hard to impress, not that interested in relationships, hard to influence, not concerned about failing when trying something new, self confident, knows why they do things, not easily moved to tears, not prone to jealousy, not guided by moods

—————-

Global Personality Test Results

Stability 63%
Orderliness 66%
Extraversion 43%

Stability results were moderately high which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.
Orderliness results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun. Extraversion results were moderately low which suggests you are reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.

trait snapshot:
clean, organized, regular, self reliant, tough, positive, high self control, very good at saving money, dislikes chaos, resolute, realist, trusting, hard working, dislikes unpredictability, prefers a technical specialized career, not worrying, respects authority, enjoys leadership, finisher, normal, optimistic, controlling, prudent, modest, adventurous, does not like to be alone, intellectual, likes the unknown, very practical, high self esteem, assertive, perfectionist, busy, altruistic

———–

You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant. Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle. You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs. For you, comfort and calm are very important. You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection. You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.

The date should say 32/7/05 as thats what I mindlessly wrote in the journal, it is the first however.

———

As per usual, well on occasion I construct for myself some way of remembering, a symbol I supose for hmm what would you call them? promises (of God).
I have had one long standing one relating to birds, which would be nearly in it’s fourth year. Quite incredible the way God has used that.

Last night I thought of ways to remind myself of God’s love after finishing the Angela Thomas book and the sermon on Sunday night (Deut 6).

So the great plan was to everytime I walked through a door into a room, remember.

I sucessfully did that 0 times. The amusing side benefit being during class, where I remembered because I had forgotten and then later when I felt God telling me anyway, and that although symbols are useful I shouldn’t limit myself to juse remembering then.

So, God loves me whether I have to walk through doors to remember it or not.
I’m a strange one.