I have been slowly, on and off rereading, “Do You Think I’m Beautiful” by Angela Thomas. I don’t know specifically why, but it seems God throws something relevant at me each time I remember it’s been stashed under my bed with however many other million books.

I remember the last time I read the chapter I read tonight, all about the prodigal son. Last time I related to what she was saying about the elder son, this time the prodigal son. Quite a strange realisation.

Go and read the story here again.

Or/and read this:

Two seventeenth-century theologians were debating on the nature of grace. One said that grace is like one parent guiding a toddler across the room to the other parent, who has an apple for the child. The nearby parent watches the youngster; if he almost falls, this parent will hold him for a moment so that he can still cross the room under his own power. But the other theologian had a different view. For him grace comes to us only in the discovery of our total helplessness. In his concept, we are like a caterpillar in a ring of fire. Deliverance can only come from above.

The only hope of liberation for a helpless, resisting caterpillar in a ring of fire is deliverance from above. Someone must reach down into the ring and take us out. This rescue is what brings us from the orphan state into that of the son or daughter. This is not mere supporting grace, but transforming grace.

I was glad this morning to have something that always confused me just slighty clarified. Blessing. Particularly when people/songs say: I will bless you God.

I think that I have always seen it as something you impart on someone. As humans, I could not understand how we could ‘bless God’, a role reversal was the tune playing in my mind.

Anyway, the sermon this morning amongst other things talked about blessing and how in Hebrew or something it means to bow the knee/put value on/honor etc… So that cleared that all up and I don’t have to shut my mouth when those parts in various songs are sung. I really should have sorted that out ages ago.

Last night after coming home from Jess’s I had a massively long talk to God. I don’t know how clear it has been or how much I have said about how I’ve been struggling to do the ‘God thing’ specifically lately.

I mean I seem to start my day all fine – I’ll be sitting on the bus or whatever and be talking to God and be just happy for no particular reason, but I get home and then I get massively distracted and fed up and then frustrated at any number of things, find myself online and get even more annoyed at how I’ve forgotten – by which time I’m too tired. Sounds like a lot of excuses? Yes, they are excuses; bad ones, and I have fallen out of what were good habits into bad ones.

I guess I talked to God about all those things that were crowding other stuff out. This blog does get in the way sometimes you know (no I’m not going to stop) but I dropped journals a while ago as it took too much energy to do both. The journals were a little more God focused, a better testimony to where he was working in my life – as I sat down and I prayed and I thought about what he was doing and is doing. Journals are private and so your freedom is less shackled.

What else has been crowding God out? Tiredness, the ‘need’ to talk to people – and honestly my conversations with others have been predominantly less rich. It seems as if you lean on God less, you find yourself less expected to give out as much and naturally, you are the only one that notices. I like helping people, I find it rewarding/fulfiling often – difficult but pushes me more to God and thats a good thing, it’s a catch twenty two when it isn’t happening.

And the biggest thing? The future, for which individual does it not affect? I have long given up being worried about what career path I’ll follow or what job I’ll have after uni. I have been far too focused in on well, whom I’ll spend that future with. It is not as if I’ve really had a specific person in mind, but the concept makes impossible castles in my mind. I have a huge difficulty and at the same time it is so simple in placing Rebecca how ever many years ahead.

There is nothing wrong with wanting, but when the majority of your thoughts fly into that arena and God watermarks into the background then something is horribly wrong. Frustrations start staring you in the face and disatisfaction again becomes your friend.

John 15 talks about remaining in the vine. It was bought up today, and I remembered all the numerous occasions this came up last year. How extremely vital is water to the earth? How necessary are the roots to a plant? How easy it is to ignore the source.

Psalm 1:3 talks about a tree that fruit grows on during a particular season. The word season was red traffic light to me– for future reference maybe? I am an impatient person, I like to see results, I like to see where things are going, how things are working out so I can plan the next step.

I somehow think this is a bit the same with my wanting what I cannot have right now. I cannot for any logical purpose sit here and want, want, want. Singleness is almost definitely not my ideal (is it anyones?). But honing in on possibilities and dreams and ignoring what God is doing right now, or could be doing if I actually let him is frankly quite stupid.

I have been sidelining God. I have not entirely ignored him, but I haven’t acknowledged him in the way I should be doing. I definitely haven’t been putting him first (only first, at first and then I forget).

I think things would be quite simple if I cut myself in half – start of the day Rebecca and end of the day Rebecca. If I take the first I’d be doing alright. But I am a whole and have to catch the other half back up with the front.

A different take on “Guard your heart…” (Proverbs 4:23) – because out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks (Luke 6:45).

Maybe it is a bit of a wake up call to stop talking/thinking about relationships so much, and start living one with the one who made them in the first place.

Singleness is where I am at at the momement, it’s not as you said Jess, “A horrible curse”. It is a different season, maybe not so fair as the others we can imagine, but as fair, as good in different ways as those other realities.

Don’t think I have figured out what is so good about it, beacause I haven’t. If singleness is a place where we can be less distracted, I haven’t been living up to that at all. I am, if not more distracted by what I cannot have.

Which fronts an interesting question. What places can we sit in as a single person? Content? Maybe never – those ‘needs’ always are at the back of your mind somewhere. But in full acknowledgement and in full appreciation of my maker and what he has for me at this time as opposed to discontent, and living three steps ahead with all the distractions that aren’t supposed to come with what Paul talks about. Can you live as a single, not in proper response or full truth to your status?

Each one should remain in the situation which he was in when God called him. Were you a slave when you were called? Don’t let it trouble you—although if you can gain your freedom, do so. For he who was a slave when he was called by the Lord is the Lord’s freedman; similarly, he who was a free man when he was called is Christ’s slave. You were bought at a price; do not become slaves of men. Brothers, each man, as responsible to God, should remain in the situation God called him to. – 1 Corinthians 7:20-24

It is easy to get stuck into something, a thought pattern, or a fixation on someone or an idea or… you name it.

What I mean, brothers, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they had none; those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away. – 1 Cor 7:29-31

I have no idea who one day will become a big part of my life. I shouldn’t though be stuck on an idea so much so that it becomes consuming, engrossing, difficult, frustrating, factinating and blinding.

Engrossing whatevers don’t suddenly come, things don’t materialise before your eyes. It is like that frog that is in the pot of water slowly heating up. You don’t realise until suddenly you work out something’s wrong.

I don’t think that I was in extremely hot water but I am fairly sure that God got to me before everything was so crowded and messy and distracting that it was all consuming.

Being half in a good spot, is nowhere close being all in a good spot. I want that all.

Wow lets bridge the gap.

I started this blog in 2004, it is now 2006.

I have posted after midnight rather than before as many blogs seem to have done – which is simply because I was out.

Killed time watching the second series of Alias – I’ve only ever seen the pilot before (1st series, 1st episode, you know how it goes) and I wasn’t overly impressed with that one. Now however I am throughly into them – bad move Rebecca.

Saw the new year in lying on a trampoline looking at the stars with Jess W and Laura. We didn’t count down, my phone doesn’t give the seconds. We weren’t near a TV, we could only hear a group some distance away and the pop of fireworks, entirely illegal, entirely stupid in heat like this (not that I mind). Couldn’t see any unfortunately. A half hearted yell – a, “Hello 2006”.

Last years new years eve was complete annoyance, pestering to get away from a crowd of unknowns (Hannahs friend Miranda and her family/friends -strangers)avoiding and hating the karioke machine. There was oliboilen then (dutch food, a bit like donuts), wish we’d had them tonight, they are SO good.

The year before was with Vashti, up at Adanac. A quiet one, a good one. A distinct time of God and working out that perhaps maybe he wanted to do something with my life instead of being an apathetic whoever.

The year before that, a stone church/cottage somewhere up in NSW where we were having a holiday with Yohann and Madeline. A non event, I was half asleep. Fireworks on television are hardly the real deal.

The year before that we were with the Tompkins at Admininiby – on holiday. I can’t remember if it was before or after I’d been chucked off that stupid horse. Australia, just about to head back to the Solomons.

The year before that we were in the Daams house (our house in the Solomons). Underneath the stairs. Banging empty gas bottles making spectacular noise. Hapi Niu Iia.

And thats as far back as my memory reaches.