Onward forward backward

Valentines Day. The year has gone past and worked it’s way around. Today marks one year exactly since I started YITS. It has been sufficently rounded off.

This morning was spent reading my old journal (of which I kept fairly faithfully throughout the year) the starts and stops, the pitfalls, the lows, the highs of my year. I had forgotten how much God did and is still doing. I was attempting to find some ‘pearl of wisdom’ as Rowan requested in an email as a group of us were heading up to Adanac to be reps. for the new group.

I think while reading, I progressed beyond the point of bothering to find some advice and was more interested in processing and looking at what exactly this past year has been for me. A journal entry I wrote in July summed up a lot fairly well despite only being part way through the year and probably slanted toward some stuff I was going through then (none recored in blog as it was the month I took off) It is stilted but I’ll include it, it relates strangely to the conclusion.

4/7/05 (paraphrased)

From a wounded position of assuming that a lot needed to happen in my life to a glorious experience of service and closeness to God. I have been stretched beyond belief, drawn closer to God, needed God, cried out to him. To a circular santification process of renewal. To begin to discover that I am exactly who God made me. I am loved by him. An experience of the value of friendships, the difficulty of removing old masks, facing fears. A lesson in trust. A process of self discipline. To begin to read you word and understand that thsi is such a primary way that you communicate with us. Accountability to others and to you. To follow you on a journey of (list of fruit of the spirit) which has been hard, very hard. To wander blindly in a pit of melancholic doubt. Needing assurance. To have the boat rocked and only half remember that you are always there.The importance of mystery, of relationships, of vulnerability, of knowing you are always faithful. To learn to be satisfied that you are doing a good work in my life…

I see this last year as having been split down the middle. The first half was so much more in getting through to who Rebecca was/is about while at the same time being reshaped in the ways that came with that. The change came at midyear camp and after a really difficult holiday which I had a lot of trouble around doubting. I’m not sure so much how to explain it but it was more about the ‘where are you going’ with your life now that you have a vague idea of the person you are, with the realities that being truthfully open has presented.

So much. Too much of my year I think now, was about community. I came in half aware I was looking for one, not really realising that it was far more a priority on the agenda than I initially realised. I found it briefly and now I have the trouble of having to repeat in growing/finding something. Having others around is so unbelieveably important to growth and to knowing God. I now have to remember not to limit it, or forgo the effort I put in, I can do it again. I’ve done it, God’s done it before.

I can’t explain it, the together thing.
Today we were together. Together we talked to this new group about what the year might hold. What difficulties, what triumphs.

Onward, backward, forward. I needed today. God loved me again through these people. I’ve been feeling more distant, or just have been having a bit of difficulty in finding the God I knew. I have been intensely caught up in small things lately. Nitpicking. Caught up in dissatisfaction. I haven’t so to speak, ‘heard from God’ in ages. I hope tidat has broken that cycle.

This year is going to be good. I ready for something new. I need to get somewhere again where I can learn. God will be in this one just as much as he has been before.

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit — fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other. – John 15:9-17

What a day to remind me.