Running Scared

The more I think about:

  • The Kingdom of God
  • Social Justice
  • A purposeful life
  • Selflessness (which is much easier to talk about than do)
  • Living with every action, word, moment etc… in line with how God I think would have me live
  • And so on,

The more I get discouraged.

I can hang around on a lazy day (guilt point one) and listen to Tracy Chapman and songs like Material World as one example, which I will quote here because the lyrics are fairly direct,

You in your fancy
Material world
Don’t see the links of chain
Binding blood

Our own ancestors
Are hungry ghosts
Closets so full of bones
They won’t close

Call it upward mobility
But you’ve been sold down the river
Just another form of slavery
And the whole man-made white world
Is your master

You in your fancy
Material world
Create in your own image
A supreme god

Your Virgin Mary
Your Holy Ghosts
Claimed to be pure of heart
Have hands that are stained with blood

You in your fancy
Material world
Don’t see the links of chain
Binding

I start thinking of all the things I could be doing (guilt point two), should be doing (guilt point three), aren’t doing (guilt point four), am doing that I shouldn’t be doing (guilt point five), my lack of planning for things that could be done at a foreseeable point in the future (guilt point six), the things I still want (guilt point seven) and the things that I want and may be able to justify but really shouldn’t (guilt point eight).

So much of me wants to not get to the point where I haven’t done all the things I wanted to do.

I would love to have “Been there and done that” or/and “Been there and doing that” in living effectively for God. Living simply. Living intentionally. Living with boundaries in place for appropriate rest (Sabbath). Living to best of my God given skills, talents and giftings. Working where I’m suited. Marrying someone for more than self fulfillment. Treating ‘my money’ as God’s and using it appropriately, along with my time.

It is much too easy to wait around until a more convenient time (guilt point nine). Than to sit down and seriously work out what needs to change.

I’d love to have the capacity to think big and act on it instead of think hesitantly, glimpse big, back off because big is too big despite things needing to start small. I never quite know where to start.

One Comment

  1. Timmeh said:

    Wow Bec, I’ve been thinking some similar stuff lately hey!

    Very interesting. Laura and I had a really cool chat about some vaguely related stuff the other day – kinda like how to ballance working/eating with living/breathing.

    I think with the young adults group too… we’ve had a bit of taste of living and giving in community… but its so often dogged by social complexity. We have a group full of people who have so much light to give eachother, and yet half of the time we sit in darkness and suffer idle small talk.

    Not that I’m not a fan of small talk… but I’m also a massive fan of big talk. I know its all a bit silly – the crazy revolutionary student cafe days… but all the best crazy revolutionaries had dark cafe days. The trick is working out how to become the difference between the ones who talked big and lived small, and the ones who talked big and lived larger.

    :o) I’m not even sure I understand what I just tried to say… but hopefully there’s something reflected in there.

    January 29, 2007
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