Have been minorly inspired to be real about this after being given links to other blogs tonight… somewhat more personal ones.
Write what I write in my journal.
No one has to see this unless I let them afterall.
Why be afraid?
How about some honesty.
When I got woken up this morning by dad to go to church for Good Friday and hearing that we were going after to the Mellows. I cried. It was utterly unreasonalbe, maybe I was half asleep, maybe I was just annoyed that my ‘study’ plans were stuffed up. I complained but decided to go. Sometimes I don’t understand myself.
Church was okay, I had a sore throat – which has just gotten sorer. I was I guess at a place where I felt I needed you so bad God. Feelings from after ‘the Passion’ were there. Alone and very dependant. Unworthy. Sometimes in my mind I associate or treat myself – God I’m such a pile of nothing, dirt without you. Thoughts of this ran through my head – you (metaphorically) tapped me ont eh shoulder with a firm no. God you chose me – long before I chose you. I wasn’t dirt, I was just dirty. You cleaned me.
I always have mixed feelings about visiting Solmon’s people. I love the Mellows to bits. It’s I guess just hard. Emotionally shredding sometimes.
I can walk right back into their lives and be so completely at ease even if I haven’t seen them for ages.
Who else has a family – many families where you can bum arround w/ 3 guys who are your brothers – but aren’t – have no reservations whatsoever.
I don’t ever I think, get the same ‘safe’ feeling – well to that extent with my Australian (ie: non Solomon) friends.
Awesome God, Thankyou for the amazing reality of my life, my remarkable experiences – I want to say blessings, but that’s a word I don’t like so much – don’t know why.
But they are.
Where would I be without them and all that has happened?
Where would I be without you?
Not dirt, but dirtied – now clean.
You have coloured in my life in such a way that no one else ever could.
Its been an awfully long time since I’ve done this.
I’ve had to keep a journal since starting YITS www.yearintheson.org and I think that I’ll keep this as edited versions of that – quite probably not as frequent.
No point essentially in starting and going back to Febuary – I havent the time. On day I might scan through that and dump some stuff up.
Until then. this is from today.
Its strange how things all seem to fall into place at the same time.
I have a job. First application, First Interview, First Job. Full time reception/admin and some design work at an interesting business. The people I met were friendly. The only real draw back is that I have to travel 1.5hrs by train/tram to get there. So this is during the holidays – I start on the 6th of Jan. I can only hope and pray that it continues into next year.
Uni courses, I feel pretty good about it all, none of my friends are going through crisies atm. God is good.
Im not freaking out about friendships/realtionships… it seems right now that God has it all completely under control. He’s given me patience, hope and peace.
Yeah things are never completely smooth sailing. Time frames the portrait of change, and God uses that. I have changed a phenominal amount since last year – since three years ago.
Christmas this year although it doesn’t feel like Christmas is a better season than last year, and although its not completely the season ‘to be jolly’ – the sadness isnt there anymore.
Well, I wrote this down – must have been on the 15th. and I think I might just copy it.
Coming home from Grandma’s, was looking at the Christmas lights. I think most of them are pretty ugly – gaudy. Mum makes a big fuss over them. Really the nicest ones are the simple ones. No santas, no flashing pulsating lights, not in excess. Anyway, I looked up and the sky is brilliantly clear – stars. It sort of struck me that, that’s God’s perfect Christmas decoration. I mean really it’s perfect. 🙂 God has good taste. Even better, these decorations aren’t taken down, they are there all year round. Its a cool reminder, that wow. what an amazing gift we have been given and why dont we take that time ‘not just at Christmas’ to remember.
Hannah I doubt that you’ll ever read this, but this is what I was thinking when I was saying how I dont like various decorations. You calling me ‘the Grinch’ had a purpose.