Deep hearts hollow
and low
Cradling within an emptiness
a heaviness

a gravity,
a weight,
the bottom echo
hollow

Giant marbles on a wooden floor
banging together
not sensible
people holding hearts
a pendulous echo
God listening,
just listening.

Christina spoke this morning on Job 3 and about pain relating in particular to the apparent absence of God. And this is what I wrote. To be honest, not a lot of thought went into it, or feeling, it just kind of wrote itself. Mainly because I was feeling too blah – I’m coming down with something (always at the most inconvenient time of the year!)- to bother joining others for a discussion.

To be honest, I wasn’t really very impressed. Yes he said some good stuff, but I don’t understand and it disturbs me when what someone is saying in regards to Christianity starts sounding like a bit of motivational guru. And although I know the intentions are good when you’re talking about being more expectant of how God can use you, but it’s such a fraying rope between explaining God’s role in this and our role, and when our role seems to wear the boots it’s just plain wrong. Just how highly can you think of yourself? There were also some other small things that made me frown…

Yes humans are fallible and I as much as any, but when you’re ‘teaching’ there surely must be some kind of extra care when choosing words? God forbid I ever have to be in such an influential role – it’d scare the pants off me.

Church at the moment frustrates me. The one I am in is growing and although that’s very positive, it comes with challenges, both organisational and personal. It was interesting to condense one very big community into a smaller demographic, I think on the whole I deal better with a smaller community. Yet I’m still trying to evaluate where youth fit in with some of those ‘smaller communities’ that I’d probably jump at otherwise. I still really, really love my youth kids.

One of the topics of the evening was prophesy (we split off into smaller groups). Anyway God gave me a good old, needed kick up the bum with something and encouragement in another area (that is also thought matter). Thanks Ruth and Kerrie!

I had a good old chat with Susannah post-prophecy-stuff about what we thought, what was good, what we didn’t really get/agree with etc. The whole evening my brain did not stay still, sifting and sorting information into take it or leave it.

Someone once gave me this helpful metaphor of eating fish. None of this battered stuff that comes with chips, but the real deal -meat and bones. Sometimes it’s like eating fish. There’s meat there, but you have to pick out the bones leave them to one side. Take the good, ignore the crap. There must come a point though when there just becomes too many bones to bother with eating in the first place…

In two weeks Geoff finishes up where he’s worked for the last three years for a new job – closer to what he originally wanted to do with IT. It’s been a slow and interesting haul working out what was happening and if he/we’d actually head down that route.

And last night Geoff and I let the youth kids know that we’d be finishing up at the end of this term. This too has been a long and interesting journey. Because to be utterly honest we don’t want to be finishing up.

I’m really not sure about the whole often held idea that God has a set plan laid out for our lives, but regardless I think this is what we need to be doing, and we’ve kind of been told. We have no idea what’s next. In some way it’s a part of establishing what it means to be a Christian and not to be a part of such an obvious ‘ministry’ (Gosh I’m starting to really hate that word). It’s a sucky thing to be leaving youth behind, it will be interesting to see what’s ahead, but for now, I’d rather be back hanging out with 14 year olds. What lies ahead for the youth at YVV is also in question, please be praying for that, there’s no smackingly clear direction or person.

I met a girl on the train the other day, she was terribly intentional about starting up a conversation. It was soon established that she came from (and I wont name it) a rather large and what I’d describe as hypey church in the city. Hypey from experience. We kept talking. I turns out she works there etc. etc. Her conversation (Once she’d established I was a Christian) was loaded with Christianese and she presented the appearance of quite a settled, ‘Everything is great when you have Jesus’ life, except that it was more, ‘Everything is great when you have church’. It disturbed me

One of the reasons I’ve delayed writing this post is that I have a good old fat tendancy to be rather rude and harsh and I’m not very good at being tactful. Look I’m trying assume the best that she had a particular extroverted personality that simply expressed itself in that way. But it did progress some thoughts.

Then last night I had the chance to hear Erwin McManus speak at CityLife – a huge church (He was great btw). I struggle incredibly in going to large, very polished churches, something feels really out of whack. I’m not dissing CityLife here, they had some ripper decent theology in their songs. But big and flashy always brings the thought home.

Christianity wasn’t ever meant to be a show, and I understand that it gels with some, perhaps even fits a particular culture but to me it presents a face that feels really fraudulent and it actually scares the pants off me.

Living authentically is difficult. Talking about Jesus is difficult. I wish for my life if anything, to be brutally honest.

What happens when that doesn’t happen in our communities? When they themselves become our world. Our work, our friendships, our lives.

I know that God will probably drag me nicely across the floor in terms of being far less judgmental when it comes to alternate expressions, and I know I have much to learn from the courage and the enthusiasm of others but it’s rather complicated at the moment, because the walls fly up and render me pretty well incapable of even participating when dumped in any situation of the like. I have a terribly jaded, critical beast in me that hates what I see (badly) and hurts for the people I know who have been repelled from this institution we call church.

I want for my life to be tied to His and not simply to a beurocracy, an idea or a specific community. So much good can easily go wrong. We do need community, but it cannot become God.

Here it is.

I am still unsure about the cohort we seem to attract on the rare occasion this happens – it seems we (or he) is a novelty. At least it makes for a fun lunch afterwards.

I like Ranges. It puts YVV in it’s proper size bucket – too big. That saying, I like YVV too. I am still lacking a gauge for how much.

It was interesting, because last night I confessed to Geoff that I really didn’t want to be a part of it and then went on to try and justify that I thought it wasn’t a good idea and ‘how was it really helping the community’/'we could do other things better with this time’. He heard me out – knows me far too well, and told me I was wrong. Then about ten minutes later I worked out that it was really only just about me not wanting to do it and felt guilty so I told him and he let me know he knew that’s what I was all along and rightfully laughed about it. As it was, I did feel bad about not wanting to do it, but I still didn’t want to take part – is there really much point forcing yourself to want to when you simply don’t?

Anyway as it turned out, church today (which was just music and communion before the cleanup during normal sermon time) felt very flat and fake.

And here it is. I enjoyed myself cleaning up. The sun was beautiful, the people were fun and talking and interacting with people they didn’t know so well and doing something. And really it felt a whole lot more like how church should be.

I do like it when God sticks it to me.

I didn’t like the CD at first. Far too pop. Now it’s sneakily grown on me and now and I can’t get away from it. Brooke Fraser – Albertine. Let me lump some lyrics at you.

If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary
Then of course I’ll feel nude when to where I’m destined I’m compared

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
As I wait for hope to come for me

Am I lost or just less found,
On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
Is this a soul that stirs in me,
Is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?

`Cause my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth
Of who I was born to become

For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath
So we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live
I was made to love
I was made to know you

Hope is coming for me

I was having a conversation with a friend recently about her mum’s thoughts on being a Christian in middle class suburbia and how both natural and difficult it is. (Some of these are my extended thoughts).

The Church and Christian events such as conferences are exceptional at preaching the ‘go get out there’. There is nothing acclaimed what-so-ever about living to your fullest from your house in the suburbs in your everyday job. We uphold these ‘Christian’ Heroes as those who have gone long and far and done big things.

I am not saying that there aren’t individuals that should wind up as overseas missionaries – because I grew up in a household where that was precisely the case and it’s something that has deeply influenced who I am now. There is a need for cross cultural mission. And it’s not as glamorous as it sounds.

Likewise, we shout the praise of working in a church, as a pastor, youth pastor, as someone who runs some enormous ministry. And we jump on the assumption that many church ‘attendees’ are just that. Attendees on Sunday. And many of them are.

I would like the encouragement put there for the majority of Christian suburbia. To actually be effective right where they are.

Yes I help lead a youth group. A very strangely small youth group for the size of our church, but it’s not the role that I love. Geoff tells me that I fluctuate a lot in how much I like leading youth. There is usually several times a year I swear not to be involved any more and hate rocking up on Friday nights. But I love, I love the kids I’ve gotten to know. I love seeing their growth and maturity. It’s so much more important.

Oh just be interested in people. Just love Jesus and what he’s on about.

What more is there to being a Christian? The collective claim positives on fame, but individuals don’t give a rats at position really.

And position is so far from the point, church is sometimes a scary place.

Take risks at home.