It smelt like burnt sawdust when I got home this evening. It was raining. I missed the drama of last night’s drink driver spectacular; hitting a tree, jumping the gutter and sliding up the road to land inverted with it’s headlights blaring in our front windows, hogging the road and not allowing the 3am traffic to pass. I slept through the explosion like noise and the neighbours in pyjama’s and dressing gowns. I missed an opportunity to call triple zero and lose sleep over SES vechicles and tow trucks. He was alright, whoever he was. Where is the fairness of a drunk fool walking away with only shock and scratches and the other less legimate crashes that end a life? Drink and drive and “bloody lucky”. And all the evidence left to show – a wet road covered in red sawdust and a tree with a chunk of bark hanging awkwardly onside.
The 50 km/hr limit does nothing when there is a long, downward comparatively straight road through your windscreen and an accelorator oddly where it should be, under your foot.

I went to Careforce this morning. I could use the word clarity, but I wont. I usually get (particularly this morning) the strong impression that this is my interim church. No there are still many aspects I am not entirely comfortable with. It is a glossy church, a little large and dare I say it, a little Hillsong. However, I can be a face in the crowd and still find a church – a group of people seeking God in those standing around me.
Something I do more strongly object to, is that I would not feel overly comfortable bringing a non-Christian to that church. This is definitely a temporary permenant.

Mum, Dad, Em and Hannah went to: Connections (church) held in a pub. Vastly discussion orientated ‘cafe style’. The sort of thing that would greatly appeal to me (apparently). I may have called a timeout on myself, but with three days a week devoted to class – where discussion is a large factor, I feel as if I’d be capitalising on that area. Re: camp (of which I never ended up putting on the blog) I am strong in the ‘truth’ factor but could use some work on somet of the others. Not yet. I wouldn’t mind visiting their evening service, which is more traditional church style ie: singing. more youth orientated. We shall see.

Jess W, Laura and I hung out after church. Wen’t to Eastland (shops). Laura went and got her hair cut and bough dye. I don’t know where this radical sisterness has come from. It looks good.

Back at Jess’s we watched A Very Long Engagement. There is something about foreign films (particularly the few French ones I’ve seen) that intrigue me. Their characters have more life, more substance, there is quirk (can you say that?) and a curious flavor to what you get out of it. The movie itself I really enjoyed. It had possibly a larger score of greusome moments than valuable and it’s decent share of ‘adult themes’ but the ending was satisfying. (The ending) Not tragic – maybe unfortunately, but neither Hollywood happily ever after. Beautifully detailed plot, that was pleasingly complicated to follow (made fractionally harder by subtitles). Audrey Tautou is a genius actress. The cleverest scene, that with the matches.

Enjoyable day. Sermon hit home. God smiles at me and likes to put things under my nose that are ironically relevant in some way shape or form. Thank you God for knowing how I work.

“When the brilliant ethicist John Kavanaugh went to work for three months at ‘the house of the dying’ in Calcutta, he was seeking a clear answer as to how best to spend the rest of his life. On the first morning there he met Mother Teresa. She asked, ‘And what can I do for you?’ Kavanaugh asked her to pray for him.

“‘What do you want me to pray for?’ she asked. He voiced the request that he had borne thousands of miles from the United States. ‘Pray that I have clarity.’

“She said firmly, ‘No, I will not do that.’ When he asked her why, she said ‘Clarity is that last thing you are clinging to and must let go of.’ When Kavanaugh commented that she always seemed to have the clarity he longed for, she laughed and said, ‘I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you trust God.’


Yesterday’s 20/8/05

Final catch up with Wattle Park people tonight. It was strangely absurd. Someone decided on a footy theme – possibly for Jake’s sake (5yr old pastors kid, the mad Richmond supporter). Really strange, people happily chatting and those you could read like a bilboard, loss colouring their faces, avoiding their mouths but finding presence in their eyes.
I was disappointed that I didn’t get to see Renee or Janice. Kate was there, it was a bit unusual seeing as I have hardly seen her at all this year with her Salvo’s thing going on.

10 minutes in I got the distinct impression it would be a long night, which in many ways it was. I was for a lot of the time fairly bored. I grilled Lauren on ‘what’s going on at WPC lately’? – my kids club girl. Jan’s sister, who is a foot taller than me and still growing.

Chatted also to a guy who a long long time back ran kids club when I was part of it (as a kid)… that or he married my Sunday School leader – something of the kind. Mildly say that I know faces but never got names of many of the older people down pat. (WPC congregation:) ‘greatly diminished’.

Carrol C is doing a brilliant job I’m sure with the night services. I see her at Tabor. I have a heck of a lot of respect for her.

I don’t know if that (tonight) was ‘closure’ for me. If it was necessary? I no longer feel as if I belong there. Faces are just faces after all. Cold and heartless Bec, maybe, but that’s simply the way it is.
There are people like the Smiths, we wont ever lose contact with them… I am okay with letting many just slip by.

I don’t know exactly it was that was missing form drawing me into that church but there is something that I hope exists and I find elsewhere. God be in my future and in my now.