When you can’t do a damn thing

Half an hour and this has stayed blank.

I am ashamed and frustrated that I came online looking for someone to talk to when I didn’t have the words anyway. I went to God – half heartedly at first. I opened the Bible and all I could find was revenge and anger and powerful God and I came away discouraged. I sat with various windows open, msn set on offline – I looked at the names and drew lines through who I didn’t want to talk to. I am messed up inside, this world is full of a lot of shit that we can’t do a bloody thing about. I saw Hotel Rawanda tonight. I didn’t cry, I should have cried. Jess dropped us home and she hung around downloading stupid music, I just wanted her to leave. I had shower after I ‘set it up’ for her.

It wasn’t crying, it was disgusted ashamed shock, that drove too close to home. “How can people be so cruel”. It wasn’t a crying, a ‘that was so sad’. It wasn’t sad, it was terrible it was horrific it went beyond sad.

The gunshots, the rubbishbins and the road blocks reminded me of the Solomons – yes in far greater abundance. What hurt more was the resembling nature of two situations- one lot of people jealous over the other ‘tribe’ of people fighting and it out for control. The bribery, the deceipt, the corrupt nature of human beings. The machetes, the guns. Black faces. No, I never saw anything so horrible in person but the undertones were the same.

How I at 15 was so wrapped up in my stupid ‘security’ in the world revolves around us, the whites are the target – what bull. Sure seen as ‘richer’ and hence ‘more to take’. I didn’t hardly give a thought to the Malaitans, the Guadacanal people that got caught in the crossfire of a stupid cultural dispute. I know now I couldn’t have done anything to make a difference, that isn’t the point. I hardly ever even prayed for them. It was always for our saftey, for, ‘Oh please let us don’t be evactuated’.

and how pitiful one small Pacific Island’s problems seem in comparison to a genocide.

What a selfish world. I would have been 8 when it happened.

20 mins of sitting and I worked out what a fool I was. I got off. I went back to God. I didn’t want to open a Bible again. I was shown to Psalm 12.

I missed last monday’s class – where the task, ‘to erradicate some form of injustice in the world’. I haven’t done so. I have seen it in abundance, and I don’t know what the hell I can do about any of it.

One Comment

  1. said:

    this is some of the bec that i dont often see. the pissed off, annoyed, really frustrated Bec. i dont know how to leave a comment to this, but i am going to.

    i find it so easy to get completely overwhelmed at all the worlds issues when i myself have enough of them. but my life seems to pale in comparison to these peoples.
    i find it so easy to sit and feel convicted to do something, and yet dont.
    .. i dont know what we can do about it… the need is so great. where to start…

    October 10, 2005
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