I am frustrated and sad and angry and frustrated.

It was not a usual day.

Ah crap I give up writing this for other people why shouldn’t I just write what I bloody well want to.

I can’t stand mum. I can’t stand coming home to be nagged at, yelled at and told what I can’t do. I hate being treated like I’m 14. I hate it that she eternally finds the way to bring any thing not done around the house back onto anyone who so questions that it maybe wasn’t their responsibility. I can’t stand it how much she doesn’t realise that the way she speaks doesn’t get anything done.

She builds her case and I build mine. My unspoken ultimatum that I need to leave home as soon as I can possibly afford to. My mind that revels in the fact that I have job interview tommorrow that I would be thouroughly determined to get it purely for money which equals freedom and how I know perfectly well if I have an attitude like that I don’t deserve any job. Then the foolness of it hits me and there is the frustration at not allowing myself to get really angry at her because its ‘not honoring’ and I know I shouldn’t. I would like to be able to hold some kind of grude, but I can’t without feeling guilty.

She doesn’t know how to say no and leave things at that. How can I possibly respect her when all she does is present and yell at me the things I haven’t (or have and she hasn’t noticed) done and finds every single excuse or thing to blame me as a reason for her ‘no’. A simple no would work.

In truth, I should start just telling her what I’m doing, not asking. I don’t need to ask any more.

A full day. Yes I was out for most of it. No I didn’t realise this would come up.

Jess calls at 9:30pm, Iain has finally gotten on to her about where lots of the yisters are for Michaels ‘party’ ie. Hang out thing. I am flat refused by mum and Dad who just goes along with her. I am sorely disappointed, to the point where I cry. I haven’t done that in a long time. Emotional manipulation? Maybe partly, but I know it never works anyway. Leaving YITS I guess finally hits me, I will hardly see them now. I am crying and wondering what the hell I’m doing with my life.

Church pretty much sucks. I go to Gener8 tonight and feel like they are behind glass. So much show, so much show. Where is reality? What on earth can I do in this kind of church for the world. Talk talk talk talk talk. What does the stupid church do for the world? I am in a new nomad state. No longer country divided. I don’t feel ‘at home’ or even overly comfortable in a church anymore. I try my hardest to pull the good bits from the bad, but there is so much to question, so much only half presented. I am afraid I will in this environment forget what I have learnt, forget how much richer, how much harder, how much more there is. I can’t claim to be the ‘knower of all things’. Damn, but if I can see so much that isn’t being met what am I to do about it? I wouldn’t dare to bring a non-Christian within 50metres of the place, I’d be so embarassed, so disgusted at the bubble we pin to religion and church and… so ashamed at how removed and anti-cultural we are when a church tries to be culturally relevant. It’s not just Careforce stuff. I actually got stuff out of the sermon tonight there.

God. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I can do.

Where do I belong now?

I hate religion. I miss my friends. I miss being comfortable. I miss not just getting something good out of a sermon and not having to deal with all the crap and every second word that I question.

What am I doing with this ‘spare time’ that I have?

Its so self absorbed sitting a home, sleeping in, spending the day entirely for yourself. I need to get out of this house for a while. I need some space.

I’m sick of routine, I’m sick of immature Christians, I’m sick of responsibility.

I hate the difference I found in the social contrast of last night and today.

I’m very glad I went to Paul’s thing. It was not the easiest situation socially as I didn’t really know anyone much, but it’s helped me realise a few things.

You get such a different kind of person if you dump them overseas to grow up.

It’s going to be awfully hard to ever combine two social circles if you got married to someone without a lot of similar aquantinces. Hey! (mock revelation) this is perhaps the real reason why people should date. And this is just simple observation from an outsider going to a friend’s party.

I am most uncomfortable in social situations where the majority of people are just a bit older than me (not like adults) but peers plus a few years. Why? I worked this one out a week or so back. I grew up where Laura and I were pretty much the eldest females in the lot of SITAG kids. Constantly. I have no problem relating and talking to younger people. Adults I’m usually fine with. But dump me with that peers+ and I am thoroughly at a loss. It might have something to do with ‘having the upperhand’ or it simply just being what I’m used to.

I far prefer hanging out with people who genuinely lead conversations. I couldn’t care less if they talked their face off. I like being silent, I do this normally amongst people I am vastly familiar with, but I also like a decent conversation, some people this just isn’t possible with. I like people who make it easy. I hate having to think of stuff to create small talk.

I am so sick of having to meet and make new friends (and this is thoroughly pertaining to church). I am not settled or very happy at Vineyard. Something’s not quite right, but that’s no surprise, church is generally annoying.

I am frustrated at mum.

I am sad about YITS.

I am angry at how I feel about church and how it shouldn’t be that way and logically I could work myself around it and keep continually having to.

I am frustrated about life and what I’m not doing and how I don’t know what I can do because I don’t know what I should do.

How am I running the race of life?

Because I think I’m doing a pathetic job at the moment.

And how do you explain anything, when others just don’t get it?

“How admirable is thy Justice, O thou first mover! Thou hast not willed that any power should lack the processes or the qualities necessary for its results.”
Leonardo da Vinci

I had to voice that. Oh no doubt there is more of it God. But please hear what I’ve written. please pray what I can’t. I don’t know. I need you to know and to work on that. Please forgive me for what I’m holding against mum or people and Australian culture and the church. Show me how to love them again.

Church General Life YITS

Lines of My Earth
Sixpence None the Richer

The lines of my earth, so brittle, unfertile, and ready to die.
I need a drink, but the well has run dry.
And we in the habit of saying the same things all over again,
For the money we shall make.

This is the last song that I write
‘Til you tell me otherwise.
And it’s because I just don’t feel it.
This is the last song that I write
‘Til you tell me otherwise.
And it’s because I just don’t feel it anymore.

It should be our time. This fertile youth’s black soil is ready for rain.
The harvest is nigh, but the well has gone dry.
And they in the habit of saying the same things all over again,
about the money we shall make.

This is the last song that I write
‘Til you tell me otherwise.
And it’s because I just don’t feel it.
This is the last song that I write
‘Til you tell me otherwise.
And it’s because I just don’t feel it anymore.

General Music

Tonight I dared again tonight to reinvolve myself in a social circle I tentatively attempted two-years or so ago.

The Victorian Missionary Kids Network
(erm, or rather TCK’s to introduce you the Third Culture Kid terminology).

A very good experience and I hope to continue going to whatever they do to catch up.

Fantastic to hear a vast number of accents, the meal was prayed for in Spanish! I didn’t really know anyone – Christine I’ve met, and Carrie (the one that did work experience where you are Paul). I spent the first half of the night talking to Kathryn (MK from Benin, West Africa) she’s 17 I think, and much of the other half to Luke who was in South Africa for a while (and I’d guess mid-late 20’s)

Lots of good food, all a little international.

It was more specifically a ‘thanksgiving’ (yes thats right) dinner and a good excuse to get together. Complete with turkey (yum) and pumpkin pie (YUM except I’ve probably had better).

It’s really hard to explain, but I feel vastly more comfortable in an environment like that than say an Australian party/social gathering. There is an entirely different feel – we have a common ground maybe (?), despite many having been in Australia for quite some time and their vast age range.

First questions you get asked aside from your name, “Where were you?/What country?” and “How long have you been back?” There is this fantastic collision of similar experiences of returning and what you miss etc.

It is something I’ve thought about on and off, not for ages and am glad I guess to be re-involved. I shall endeavor to go on their next camp which wont be until 2006 sometime.

Did it make me think of the Solomons? Yes. Did it make me homesick? Not really.

I do miss hearing American accents.

General Life Solomon Islands

I find this song a little strange despite really liking it, if you have any thoughts on the words please leave a comment.

Sister, Mother
Sixpence None the Richer

My life is plagued
By mistakes, broken love, slaps in the face.
But I’m trying to care, to dare to embrace your face.

Hug him like a brother.
Kiss her like a sister.
Let it be my mother for now.

I want to find where the maid in the street
Is pouring her wine.
I heard she takes you in and gives you the words
You need said.

If you’ll be her brother,
She’ll kiss you like a sister.
She’ll even be your mother for now.

Hug him like a brother.
Kiss her like a sister.
Let it be my mother.
Let it be my father.
I will be her brother.
Kiss her like a sister.
Come and be my mother forever.

General Music

I was walking my dog today and thinking a bit more about last night and in particular myself bemoaning my lack of sleep – which is entirely my own fault and how in complaining I missed mentioning the excellent jazz trio.

Moreso the shared enjoyment of it, beyond just Jess.

I can’t believe I forgot to mention them.

I was describing who various people were to Jess in the privacy of the very small kitchen where we were putting the food onto plates to take around. I recognised the cleaner whom I’ve never really met and mentioned him.

It was getting to the end of the ‘festivities’ as the majority of people disappeared before 7:30, Jess and I weren’t doing a whole lot and we found ourselves talking to the cleaner and his wife.

His name was Mike, I didn’t catch his wife’s name. Both short, both stocky. She had a brilliant sense of humor and laughed a lot, he was intense, sure of himself and yet still engaging, optimistic and funny. One of those strange encounters which finds you entirely comfortable and has you talking as if you hadn’t just met them.

They asked what study we were doing, Jess mentioned uni first and later Tabor. They knew Tabor (click ‘here’s a fellow Christian’ radar goes off in both our heads, not that I can read minds) the conversation progressed to 89.9 Light FM, which is where they had heard about Year In the Son.

Jess mentioned something about not being entirely sure that Light was the best thing and perhaps not very effective. They then proceeded to gently but strongly correct her view of Christian Radio with a plethora of stories. From (non Christian) tradies, to druggy neighbours, to friends. We conclusively decided that it definitely has it’s audience. I don’t know if Jess was embarassed or astonished – I think a little of both. I was laughing at her inside and rather awed myself.

Mike went on talking about how he’d reached a point in his life where he was really happy with what he was doing, working in a secular environment where he could have an impact on all those people he came into contact with, while working an unpaid postion in the Church so that the money could go elsewhere. He said he’d reached almost all his goals except for wanting one day to start a church from scratch. I was so impressed with someone at his stage in life (would have been in his 50’s) that thought they hadn’t finished everything they could for the world. I think that as a young person myself I can freely and informatively generalize in that we vastly underestimate older people. I have never really thought about what good I could do at that stage of my life particularly in influencing society. It leaves me with a bit of freedom to think of all the years I have ahead of me. Life doesn’t end at 30.

His wife told us about the numerous opportunities they’ve had just in their neighbourhood to impact people. Opening their garage by just taking some chairs and sitting out there and kids in the area who’d come up to talk and ask questions, whose parents would follow to check out if the adults were ‘okay’. How they had ‘bread days’ and when 60+ people showed up for a free BBQ.

I don’t think I’ve ever been encouraged so much by someone sharing how God has used them while still being entirely humble about it.

Their prime example of who they were as people extended beyond their words, not just in their actions explained. It was for me a very good example of a lasting Christian marriage, they didn’t talk about it, nor did I ask them. It came up briefly that they’d been married about 30 years. I did however notice the surreptitious broad compliments and how they treated eachother. Its a nice thing when you can see two people who love eachother yet aren’t excessively, sentimentally infatuated.

That was Mike and his wife.
I am extremely glad they took the time to talk.

Christianity General