Figuring out Rebecca

Part of me should be raving about the Narnia movie, for that was the best thing of today.But the best things don’t stand out, other things do.

I do not know why I feel the way I do at the moment, a bit lost, a lot lonely. The same as last night. I am at the worst overtired, although I don’t feel it.

I did know after too many hours of shopping, standing on a bee and finding that my favourite top (new one) had been put in the washing machine and had thereby shrunk, feeling sick through the start of the movie post-bee sting, that I’d had enough.

I forgot for a while, swallowing the monstorous whole of Narnia, awed by C.S Lewis’ translation of one story into another. Then reality resurfaced and gasped for breath in a sink full of water and dishes.

If my room reflects some of what is inside, then it is a testimony to readily accumulating mess. I am sad without being sad.

I was thinking the other day about something Sam said to me on msn, when I mentioned a song, it being: cool, laid back and weird. She said, “Hey Bec, that’s like you”. I’m fairly sure the ‘cool’ bit is entirely subjective, or objective (or whichever you choose), weird – yes, but laid back? When did that happen?

Analise replyed to the twins things, “Laura is more subdued then Bec is, and takes things as they come.”
Wrong. Laura avoids conflict at all costs, but I’m the adaptable, take things as they come person. Laura is more subdued and I seem to have squashing myself in to a somewhat similar position the last while.

Nothing bothers me anymore, my fingerclick annoyance my ‘buttons’ hardly seem to exist. I can wait around for something without getting impatient, I am so, so more tollerant. If you did not know me about five or even three, two years ago you may not be surprised. But I am surprised, even at myself and the change I’ve seen in the past months.

It takes far more to get to me now. I am an easy-going kind of person, where does that allow for the intense side? It’s so definitely there. I cannot be a gollum, a two faced individual. Is this part of figuring out what it is to be Rebecca – working out which part to unbury? Oh, I am a far better, more patient person than I was (If I’m even allowed to make a claim like that), but I sometimes feel very caged.

There is nothing wrong with more patience. I’ve never been a patient person, maybe I am (shock horror) becoming one – I don’t know if I particularly like it. How can something good be crippling?

I don’t know what it is to be Rebecca any more. I hate to see this as another ‘identity crisis’. I have asked myself the same questions before. Told myself I don’t know me – it has found their way into YITS classes, public transport rides, and those last thoughts before bed.

I do know who I am. I am still however trying to work out how I can be more fully free in myself in still allowing those ‘supposed flaws’ to work out in my life as good things.