Month: <span>June 2006</span>

There is no way I’m going to bed just yet, well I’m sitting in it but sleep’s not exactly an option, despite having a sore throat, sneezing and feeling generally not impressed about the evening.

Someone (one of you readers once upon a time) asked how to push my buttons, as generally I’m a relatively easy going person. I don’t know when the ‘easier going thing happened’ because there was definitely a long period there of being extremely vocal about what annoyed me, what ‘wasn’t right’, what didn’t revolve around me and so forth. Perhaps I grew up a bit. NB the ‘generally’ because I have no way worked everything out and the fuse can get really really short.

A ‘how to’ guide on frustrating Rebecca would possibly (definitely) include the following:

…erm perhaps it’s when my character gets called into question? I don’t know how much I’m interpreting what this person was trying to clarify but wow it didn’t feel good.

I can’t help but think back to the ‘Reformer‘ post.

* Basic Fear: Of being corrupt/evil, defective
* Basic Desire: To be good, to have integrity, to be balanced

Integrity is something that blows the roof of importance with me. However blunt I am, however direct or forward or even sometimes picked as ‘rude’ there are places I just wont go. And it makes me pretty mad when people even vaguely point to something they have overanalysed into existance that does cross into that area.

I find it really difficult when people think the world is out to get them – or at least ‘everyone in the world’.

That and when people try and try to find the hidden meanings behind what someone said when there ISN’T anything. Who does really try to layer all they say? It’s unreasonable – except if you happen to be trying your darndest to make some kind of obsucure literary joke. By all means clarify but don’t let it fester and elaborate and grow and argh!

We all have our short comings, but super insecure people truly get to me sometimes.

Other frustrations of the evening (and the above btw was an extrapolated version of something fairly minor – it illustrated the principle and nicely allowed me to define it – something hasn’t annoyed me quite that personally in a while).

Pen leaked in my bag, all over my phone, onto the Velvet Elvis book which is pretty much all white etc… Not happy. The last book a pen leaked over was also a good one, and also nearly all white but not new like this one is – just my luck.

We get to Young Adults and so and so starts talking about having a time to process or whatever about Pete and Kathy moving on. Perhaps I was in a ‘be irritated’ mood – but I guess I didn’t go this evening wanting to think about it. I’m very tired of having to be inovative, directional and it’s like stuck into the core of me somewhere. It frustrates me more when there is a blank space there for ‘anything goes’. People talk and talk and talk and grab a puny idea that is good theoretically but not in practice and want to talk about it for hours and can’t see the practical ramifications (ok so totally thinking along something else now). I’d rather see things hit some kind of conclusion. I prefer descisions to be made. I hate living in the inbetween zone. I don’t even know how this relates to what went on tonight (and don’t get me wrong, it was good) but but… it’s hard to be content as a ‘team player’ when you want to push things forward (but don’t know where to) and hard to do the leader thing when you’re tired of it and having to think about it elsewhere – at the same time I’m not content with just sitting back. Passivity is the scourge…

and now Im rambling and ranting and I don’t know what or how it all relates. Something about tonight really got up my nose (besides what’s making me sneeze).

Some of you know that after quitting my job I am now in a ‘hobby/business’ partnership with my Mum selling (mainly) kids books on ebay. Anyway for about 20 listings last week I got about $100 – which is as much as I was getting with my previous job excluding travel costs and time specific settings. So I’m pretty happy.

I’m even more happy to see that some Grug books I have up at the moment have passed the $70 mark – this is for three small, a little worse for wear paperback picture books. HipHooray! People are stupid when they want something that bad.

A very sore throat has also returned. It seems that 2006 is the year for getting sick. This would be me reaching the 5 times or so and it’s only just turned June. Disappointing.

I wound up at Tabor today. Quite intentionally. I have to get a refree for an ESA junior camp I’m leading on soon. Rowan was busy but I managed to locate Tilla. Oh was it good to see her! So she wrote nice stuff on my form and I had a true Caf style ‘chicken burrito’ lunch. Ran into Marko and Clare (unfortunately didn’t get to see Matt). Had lunch with Clare and April and some other girl. I stayed and used the library to study – which was a supremely good idea. And if anyone fires an acronym at me I think I’ll blow it – multimedia is so choked with them.

I took half an hour or so out of study and went to Gathering (or Chapel or whatever you like to call it). It was a nice feeling to be back – but very different. More study and as I was leaving ran in to catch Rowan. He looked really tired. Last day of the semester for the ’06 YITS Crew. Said hi to Chrissy, Gabby and Dylan. A good time to pray for them (if you happen to know any – or even if you don’t) the mid-year break was a difficult one for almost everyone and the tradition I’m sure keeps up.

Very productive, enjoyable day. Young Adults tonight. Three cheers for everything being vaguely social. Perhaps I am an extrovert afterall!

I’m not too sure where to start with this, probably because I’m not exactly sure where it’s going to go. It’s difficult to formulate words, particulary to provide some kind of context when the context is a mixed up combination of conversation, situation, what you’ve read, what God’s been showing you and telling you and what conclusions you’ve drawn from that when it all stems from so much more.

I don’t think I’d be too wrong in making a wild stab that a lot of people in my age bracket (and I’ve only tasted the very start of the ‘twenties’ zone), okay probably from about the age 18 up (or even younger) that we are all on this funny round about, frustrating, curve of working out a) who we are b) what we are meant to be doing and the sum total, the frightening, seemingly unatainable definition of PURPOSE and what the means for us. Whoever we happen to be.

I did the other night, and frequently do throw the icing over the cake of defining purpose as, “What am I doing with my life?” – or more, “What am I not doing with my life, I’m so damn frustrated because it feels like I’m sitting here being a bum and not doing anything worthwhile.”

The icing is never the best bit.

The word document I opened last night in order to rant and conclude in, produced a very short statement that got no further than:

“I want to be part of something bigger than myself”

I don’t think it was meant to get further. It was certainly not eloquent nor something I’d start of writing in order to share. It was and is a want. I get the idea that it’s something in the core of being human. I also think it can be extremely selfish.

Ironically. Technically (or scrap that word as it’s too steel and concrete). We are part of something far bigger than ourselves. We often forget it. We often choose to ignore it. We often try to alter it to suit and make us feel good. We try to redefine it. We try to fit ourselves perfectly within a corner of it. We like order, control and knowing what, when, who, how, when and why.

What frustrated me in regards to ‘purpose’ is that I know perfectly well the above. I know that God’s working out of us and around us and over us this thing we choose to dob ‘plan’. Yet I still distinctly want to know my role, I want immediate gratification or at least the clear lead up to it, I want (even if I hit one of those unhuman humility points) to see results even if they are God’s. It’s the ‘knowing’ I’ve played a bit, been available etc. (ie: It’s really not humble at all).

My conversation the other night led its way into how I concluded that life for me now is very much less about shaping me (which is what last year was quite distinctly about) and more about what I guess I in a round about way coined, ‘living it’.

“How do you work out purpose? The chief end of man is to… glorify God right? Yeah. but what’s that going to look like? I can love God all I like from my mind and my words, but what kind of life is that? I’m not doing anything?”

“I spent last year, the year before that even doing the character refining stuff, the focus thing. Sure its always going to be happening, but I’m terribly sick of just focusing on myself. It was good, it was hard, it was amazing, challenging, horrible, wonderful but it’s like that season is in some way over… It’s like I’ve smoothed out the bigger things and now I (with God) just have to work on the smaller things – but they aren’t so much blocking the way, just things that will ease out with time, with experience, with God. Yet if Im totally fixated on the smaller things, I’m missing a whole lot more.”

It’s disturbing when the ‘Do’ gets in the way because it hauls in ‘I’ with it.

Something stuck out quite distinctly at me from Velvet Elvis (Rob Bell) this evening. It’s a bit strange that it hadn’t properly come up before in my ‘purpose thinkings’. It’s a concept that I grasped at some stage last year and it was one of those gold, turn the lights on moments. Not one of those you should forget.

I have pottered for a long time around characer refinement and I was struck quite speechless the other day around something my sister Emily said. “Sometimes your awareness doesn’t help” (Context was that of the totally mundane, “You have to wipe the table after you’ve cleared it!”, “I’m aware of that”, “Sometimes your awareness doesn’t help.”)

It is a fantastic thing to pursue God in working at recognising how we should live but unfortunately we (I in this case) forget something rather fundamental.

And this is what I’d forgotten,

“The issue then isn’t beating myself up over all of the things I am not doing or the things I am doing poorly; the issue is my learning of who this person is who God keeps insisting I already am.

Notice these words from the letter to the Philippians: “Let us live up to what we have already attained.” (3:16)

There is this person who we already are in God’s eyes. And we are learning to live like it’s true.” – Rob Bell (Velvet Elvis p.143)

I don’t think it’s a mistake that our ‘purpose’ so to speak is wrapped up so tightly in our identity. We were and are made in the image of our Creator. “For in him we live and move and have our being.” – Acts 17:28

It is still and will continue to be frustrating at times in wanting to know the purpose that fits the dictionary definition of, “To intend or resolve to perform or accomplish.”

There is the other definiton though and that is, “The object toward which one strives or for which something exists.”

We are called as Solomon concludes to, “Fear God and keep his commandments” (Ecc12:13)

Our lives might just be working out how to do that.

and if you need more to think about,
“Why blame the dark for being dark? It is far more helpful to ask why the light isn’t as bright as it could be.”

Sometimes I am entirely convinced that photographs lie. The lake (left) didn’t look quite that beautiful in person, although I think I might have happened to catch a good moment.

I sat for almost 2hrs in the car park in an attempt to get away from home distractions. It worked, but after that much of reading through bits and pieces and questions from my text book – exam study was just as unappealing as it is anywhere.

So around 3pm I decided to take advantage of the standard ’round the lake’ path and did just that. Had a cold but good walk/run and managed to get a few photos of the cormorants that seem to be perptually showing off.

The birds must either be extremely territorial or just very used to people as I managed to get quite close – despite the clacking of angry bird noises.

A much better way to spend an afternoon. My exam is next Monday so I still have a bit of time left, the fact that I skipped a fair few of the last lectures isn’t probably much credit but I don’t think it’s going to be to bad judging on the past two years papers.

Tonight I think it’s probably worth linking backwards to this post as I can relate again very well to the Chesire Cat’s words.

“If you don’t know where you’re going, it doesn’t matter which way you go.” – Lewis Caroll (The Cheshire Cat)

I had a rather ranty conversation (if you can call it that) with Tony around purpose. Of which for me at the moment is close to non-existant.

And my head’s really done in so I’ll have to complete this some other time.