Category: <span>Church</span>

Published August 14, 2006 by

A Good Love is Hard to Find

I came across this article this afternoon: What (Not All ) Women Want. About the ‘finicky femininity of Captivating’ by John and Stasi Eldredge. I was quite delighted with it to be honest. Sure there were bits of the book that were extremely helpful to me at the time I read it, much of it rang true but when I look back now – there was/is something a little bit missing.

I’m not exactly a very stereotypical female. If you know me, if you’ve read this blog for any decent time or read OOCQ where the ‘bagging out’ (I think it’s friendly) of my ‘half male’ brain, you might be able to put a finger or five on that.

Sentimentality doesn’t do a lot for me. I’m much more thrilled to have a brain engaging conversation than be told mass of ‘sweet nothings’ or compliments – however “nice. Again that’s generalising a lot. I am by no means the only female of the kind around -thank goodness. I like being complicated and I like who I am.

I probably don’t define submission quite the way it’s traditionally thought of. I probably don’t think I need to ever lose reason to love someone. I don’t like the infatuation concept. I like books over jewelery. I understand the clothes are usually very intentional in conveying a message or meeting a ‘warmth’/’fit-in/fashion’ need than just the ‘girly thing to obsess over’. I don’t really giggle or shriek, in fact I probably more often snort and roll my eyes. I don’t have any idea where this blog is going but I know I want to say something (maybe because I’m having fun). I don’t always know what to say but then I don’t always sit quiet to get it just right – for it to be sweet and perfect and nice. I’d rather be bluntly truthful than softly recommending. I’d rather sleep the extra 10 minutes than spend it on my hair. I’d rather watch a movie that makes me think than one that tells me the same old ‘boy meets girl, boy gets girl, all ends happily’ deal. I don’t as a general rule bother with make-up, oh look, I don’t think I even really own any. I don’t think cooking and cleaning and keeping a place looking nice is a very large part of my purpose. I don’t think I could manage if I ever hit a point where I wasn’t allowed or couldn’t learn.

I don’t know if the soft feminine side is an outdated concept that we still plug away at just because? Shards definitely remain in the minds of plenty of people although it’s probably not half as relevant an argument as it was years ago.

I don’t particularly like being called ‘unfemale’ – becuase I can assure you I very much am. I like being female! I’m probably a little fed up with the half-male brain comments, however funny. So you narrow-minded (in the nicest way possible) boys who keep pulling them out: *cough John/Paul/Jas/Tony…* . If you could do me a favor and define femininity for me in short essay form (or post size, I don’t think you could get it down to one sentence) post it as a comment or send it too me in an email – this being femininity and not just ‘Bec style’. I would be grateful.

I’m not cranky, I’m just interested.

What is femininity really?

And a slight shift…

Boys will be… wait, where’d they all go? references an article on men in church. Although that I think that the point does need to be put across, that perhaps the ‘everyone fall in love with Jesus/Jesus is your boyfriend’ business is definitely offputting to males, it’d be nice to acknowledge that it isn’t the worlds most thrilling idea to a lot of females.

It is true that females are supposedly wired ‘more relationally’ and I am not trying to equate the genders but we are all relational beings. I can’t help but wondering if church is how it is, then maybe it’s almost more a byproduct of a culture that really wants experience and is lacking significantly relationally – having appropriate relationships. We then over-concentrate this good (best) relationship that’s on offer and shroud it and drown it in sentimental ‘femininity’ to try keep our hold on it. The predominant view of relationships on offer through television, music and movies (which sadly seem to be the primary forms of communication around) is just that – I see you, I like what I see, I am infatuated, I will do anything for you… and more blahish crap. Frankly I think we just misunderstand and misconvey a lot of what Jesus is on about.

“Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.” – Deut 6:5

Is that really all that soft?

When I look at God’s love for his people in the Bible, I don’t see a cushy sentimental love. I see a hard love, a true love, a good love.

Male or female. As part of the church, as an insider I think I can make the observation that perhaps we’ve really gotten a lot of how we do things simply wrong.

Does anyone really relate to the short lived emotional highs that might come with the appeal that intends to ‘tug the heart’ to gain a response. We experience it as an experience only.

Something else,

“Murrow suggests that men value being/feeling competent (we don’t stop and ask for directions cos we want to be competent navigators) and we don’t feel that competent in a church environment which values qualities of expressing feelings, understanding emotions and singing songs.” (10 male fears about church)

If men so like to drive the compass/steer the ship, why did it slant toward the ‘very female’ angled way we do church in the first place? Is it just the physical extrapolation of misunderstanding around what is love and loving God and church structure and non-structure? I’m also curious, the advocation for ‘song’, for music is definitely not just a female thing. Music isn’t at all gender specific, you hardly need to look very far at all to see that.

Finally,

“I’m a man and I really value church but I find myself agreeing that I am not very engaged by it. The most engaging thing about church this morning for me was arranging to go out on friday to drink Guinness and talk theology with another man.” (10 male fears about church)

well,

I am a woman and I really value church, but I find myself agreeing that I am often not very engaged by it. The most engaging thing about church for me is to know I have Wednesday night to drink coffee and talk theology and life with those around me.

So, what about that emotional/relational pit that we’re inaccurately trying to fill at church? Because it is there. It’s glaring from every corner and written all over the faces of those that show up where there are others, even if they ‘don’t particularly like how things are done’. That’s something extends well beyond just church on Sunday.

No one wants the temporary. The love lust that’s so transient it makes a memory that we are ready to replace as soon as the next option comes along. We want the real deal. The thing that shows us up, that meets us face to face regardless of whether we are male or female.

That’s Jesus right?

So what should church look like?

Christianity Church General Life

Published November 28, 2005 by

Last night’s rant

I am frustrated and sad and angry and frustrated.

It was not a usual day.

Ah crap I give up writing this for other people why shouldn’t I just write what I bloody well want to.

I can’t stand mum. I can’t stand coming home to be nagged at, yelled at and told what I can’t do. I hate being treated like I’m 14. I hate it that she eternally finds the way to bring any thing not done around the house back onto anyone who so questions that it maybe wasn’t their responsibility. I can’t stand it how much she doesn’t realise that the way she speaks doesn’t get anything done.

She builds her case and I build mine. My unspoken ultimatum that I need to leave home as soon as I can possibly afford to. My mind that revels in the fact that I have job interview tommorrow that I would be thouroughly determined to get it purely for money which equals freedom and how I know perfectly well if I have an attitude like that I don’t deserve any job. Then the foolness of it hits me and there is the frustration at not allowing myself to get really angry at her because its ‘not honoring’ and I know I shouldn’t. I would like to be able to hold some kind of grude, but I can’t without feeling guilty.

She doesn’t know how to say no and leave things at that. How can I possibly respect her when all she does is present and yell at me the things I haven’t (or have and she hasn’t noticed) done and finds every single excuse or thing to blame me as a reason for her ‘no’. A simple no would work.

In truth, I should start just telling her what I’m doing, not asking. I don’t need to ask any more.

A full day. Yes I was out for most of it. No I didn’t realise this would come up.

Jess calls at 9:30pm, Iain has finally gotten on to her about where lots of the yisters are for Michaels ‘party’ ie. Hang out thing. I am flat refused by mum and Dad who just goes along with her. I am sorely disappointed, to the point where I cry. I haven’t done that in a long time. Emotional manipulation? Maybe partly, but I know it never works anyway. Leaving YITS I guess finally hits me, I will hardly see them now. I am crying and wondering what the hell I’m doing with my life.

Church pretty much sucks. I go to Gener8 tonight and feel like they are behind glass. So much show, so much show. Where is reality? What on earth can I do in this kind of church for the world. Talk talk talk talk talk. What does the stupid church do for the world? I am in a new nomad state. No longer country divided. I don’t feel ‘at home’ or even overly comfortable in a church anymore. I try my hardest to pull the good bits from the bad, but there is so much to question, so much only half presented. I am afraid I will in this environment forget what I have learnt, forget how much richer, how much harder, how much more there is. I can’t claim to be the ‘knower of all things’. Damn, but if I can see so much that isn’t being met what am I to do about it? I wouldn’t dare to bring a non-Christian within 50metres of the place, I’d be so embarassed, so disgusted at the bubble we pin to religion and church and… so ashamed at how removed and anti-cultural we are when a church tries to be culturally relevant. It’s not just Careforce stuff. I actually got stuff out of the sermon tonight there.

God. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I can do.

Where do I belong now?

I hate religion. I miss my friends. I miss being comfortable. I miss not just getting something good out of a sermon and not having to deal with all the crap and every second word that I question.

What am I doing with this ‘spare time’ that I have?

Its so self absorbed sitting a home, sleeping in, spending the day entirely for yourself. I need to get out of this house for a while. I need some space.

I’m sick of routine, I’m sick of immature Christians, I’m sick of responsibility.

I hate the difference I found in the social contrast of last night and today.

I’m very glad I went to Paul’s thing. It was not the easiest situation socially as I didn’t really know anyone much, but it’s helped me realise a few things.

You get such a different kind of person if you dump them overseas to grow up.

It’s going to be awfully hard to ever combine two social circles if you got married to someone without a lot of similar aquantinces. Hey! (mock revelation) this is perhaps the real reason why people should date. And this is just simple observation from an outsider going to a friend’s party.

I am most uncomfortable in social situations where the majority of people are just a bit older than me (not like adults) but peers plus a few years. Why? I worked this one out a week or so back. I grew up where Laura and I were pretty much the eldest females in the lot of SITAG kids. Constantly. I have no problem relating and talking to younger people. Adults I’m usually fine with. But dump me with that peers+ and I am thoroughly at a loss. It might have something to do with ‘having the upperhand’ or it simply just being what I’m used to.

I far prefer hanging out with people who genuinely lead conversations. I couldn’t care less if they talked their face off. I like being silent, I do this normally amongst people I am vastly familiar with, but I also like a decent conversation, some people this just isn’t possible with. I like people who make it easy. I hate having to think of stuff to create small talk.

I am so sick of having to meet and make new friends (and this is thoroughly pertaining to church). I am not settled or very happy at Vineyard. Something’s not quite right, but that’s no surprise, church is generally annoying.

I am frustrated at mum.

I am sad about YITS.

I am angry at how I feel about church and how it shouldn’t be that way and logically I could work myself around it and keep continually having to.

I am frustrated about life and what I’m not doing and how I don’t know what I can do because I don’t know what I should do.

How am I running the race of life?

Because I think I’m doing a pathetic job at the moment.

And how do you explain anything, when others just don’t get it?

“How admirable is thy Justice, O thou first mover! Thou hast not willed that any power should lack the processes or the qualities necessary for its results.”
Leonardo da Vinci

I had to voice that. Oh no doubt there is more of it God. But please hear what I’ve written. please pray what I can’t. I don’t know. I need you to know and to work on that. Please forgive me for what I’m holding against mum or people and Australian culture and the church. Show me how to love them again.

Church General Life YITS

Published November 20, 2005 by

In the dark

I was wondering what I’d put in here tonight. If I had done this a bit earlier it might have been more inclined to the pessimistic.

Church this morning. Not terribly engaging. I got a little fed up with my friend making a few comments to me throughout the sermon but it wasn’t facinatingly interesting at the same time. All stuff we’ve talked about before in Youth Min classes, Apprenticing and the Kingdom of God, this in regard to discussing church values etc. a continuation of last weeks sermon.

Some talk afterwards of going to the young adults home group (that is only advertised by word of mouth) on Wednesday, it all depends on Ana calling me and giving me the inspiration to go. I don’t know about the whole ‘feeling welcomed’ thing, it hasn’t been overly apparent to me thus far on the peer level aside from the few I know through school.

Went up to my Grandparents place for afternoon tea. Took the camera and went photo happy in my Grandpa’s massive and almost immaculate garden. I can’t be entirely bothered just yet making them small enough to keep flikr content so you can wait. I was looking through them after offloading them and was quite amazed at what I miss with just my ‘natural eye’. Magnified detail is so perfect. Very pleased at some of the shots.

Wasted some time watching some junk TV. Seeing as it is almost the Aus Idol final which I have only been watching in fragemented sections (due to severely waned interest after two years ago) and siblings minor obsessions with the show. Kate and Emily left. None of the songs were particularly inspiring. The single as pathetic as usual. I think that this show should be on its last legs. That and Kate should win. Who wants another R&B CD anyway? I don’t think I’ll bother watching any more ever. Eats time like nothing else. Better music can be found on those plastic circular things that are also rapidly going out of fashion.

Someone explain ITunes and such to me. Useable without an Ipod? What’s the deal. I have ITunes software on my computer for some reason and people keep mentioning it. How much do songs cost and how do you pick them etc… I am too lazy to research.

Bring back the Amazing Race and I might start watching TV again beyond the ‘real life’ Medical shows (don’t do drama – time issues). How sad. I should really watch the news and become re-informed with the world, I haven’t seen it in months.

I have been battling a bit with being ‘engaged’ when it comes God stuff – this has been over the past few weeks. The so called ‘quiet time’ has slipped into halfhearted attempts late at night. I changed tactic a little bit and did something a bit more creative as I’m simply getting really bored just sitting and reading/writing. I don’t know how well it worked so to speak, but it got me intentionally talking honestly to God. File name: Visual Prayer Journal or some blah like that. Dump photo to fit the mood, write/type to God over it. Simple but different. This is not to say problems or issues are fixed. Prayer around me and God and the relationship there would be good. Its something I badly want and still find so hard to keep up. Frustrating.

Tilla gave me this verse in my encouragement/concluding note.

Matt 10:27 “What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs.”

I have been thinking about it.

Christianity Church General Life

Published November 7, 2005 by

Trust and the Cinderella Syndrome

What a good day!

Nicely pertaining to last night.

I have for the past few days been continually stumbling over trust related things. A text I chose to do a New Testament Assignment (Bible Study) on. The Sermon and a book I read last night.

Sunday was awkward in the morning. I felt entirely unable to ‘connect’ with most of everything re: music, sermon etc… except for the satisfying observation about the trust thing. Massive dissatisfaction and all those other feelings I can’t quite find names for. I did hang around with Analise a fair bit. Talked to Daniel, who does YITS at Berwick, compared assignment loads a few ending up thoughts, he’s a good mate of Janice’s so I’ve met him a bit more than some of the others down there. Saw Trev, Curls and Steve (didn’t get to say hello to Steve) as they are now all back from England. Trev looks the same, Curls quite different, Steve as ever. So the people side of church thing was alright.

Sunday night. Shower, got thinking about how I’m feeling/thinking dissatisfied and all that at the moment. Really in many ways uncertain about what next year holds and how I’m going to cope after having this fanatastic learning stream 3 days a week, to practically nothing barr Sunday morning. Oh, that and relationship thoughts that come up once in a while.

Anyway I go frustratingly, ‘argh I need something to read God’ was really not in the mood for flicking open to Pslams or Daniel whatever (Honestly sometimes I need to build on others thoughts before I can come to the Bible, its the way my head works. This does not mean I limit myself to their understanding or reading the Bible for myself no way, but when my head is already choked with thought it’s a useful tactic if there is suitable material around).

I find, in Mum’s almighty stash of books to sell, one called, “The Cinderella Syndrome” by Lee Ezell. It looks really quite old. The photo of the author tells all. (1985). Anyway chosing to intentionally ignore the “Discovering God’s Plan When Your Dreams Don’t Come True” I decided to give it a shot.

I read thing from cover to cover. Yes the book was aimed at females, some at married females. Talked a lot about satisfaction, contentment and trust. I needed to hear a lot of what was being said.

Despite the page not being particularly relevant, the phrase, “After all is said and done, relationships are truly the only things that really matter”. Stuff like that makes me laugh and wonder at God’s humour.

Today. Woke up quite happy (something to do with an earlier night perhaps?). A busy last Tabor Monday. Went down to Eastland with Jane and Dave at lunchtime to pick up some stuff for the end of year party (event we are running) tomorrow. Had a meeting with all the group for that. Attempted to work out if everything was covered. I think we’ll be right. Quite a miraculous ‘everything comes together’ from all the trouble we’ve had around money.

Accountabilty. Ha, we finally prayed. About time! How pathetic 😛 Arranged tentitively to work out how we are going to keep operating after this week is up.

I don’t have a clue how some people’s minds work nor what I think of them.

It is 12:01am, goodbye last YITS Monday.

Church General YITS

Published October 30, 2005 by

The price of loose change

How curious. The last time I got an email from this person was almost a year ago. This one has been sitting in my inbox for about three days. No it wasn’t specifically for me – a group email, it asks for a reply. I am the only one of my siblings which got the email – which is vaguely curious. I grew up with this person, they played somewhat of a significant role in my life in 2001.

Change.

How much I have changed.

It frustates me sometimes when I realise how ineffective I’ve been in keeping in touch with Solomons people. We all moved and moved on. I still love them like my family. I would still spend time with them above anyone else in the world, more than the friends I have now. I would drop anything ‘important’ if they were around. But I don’t really know them anymore.

You know. I can’t even remember them. I can’t remember their voice and I only know their smile from photos.

How do you reintroduce yourself?

Hi,
I’m not the Rebecca you know,
but I’m the same you knew.

I have been wondering whether to even bother replying. Something in me wants to. Something in me wants to leave the lot behind so I don’t potentially have to rehash what was. Maybe its a risk? I’m most definitely thinking things through too much, I know those of you who would say to me, “What’s your problem Bec” and those who don’t even see the issue.

Church this morning. A Sunday reoccurence of feeling vastly dissatisfied with the church I’m in. Ot’s all perfectly fine when the sermon’s going. Its really good in that respect. Yet there is this massively gaping void of relationship. If Jess is not there, if Analise is in with the kids, then there is a hello and a bit of small talk with Isobelle and that is it. I do not know people. I can’t joing a young adults small group until YITS is over as it clashes with Wednesday night class. Ostracized? Curls was there this morning, back from England – Laura talked with him, I didn’t recognise him at all until he was pointed out.

Its hard path. I was talking to God during the singing. This year has rocked what comfort I found in tradition. Jess said she doesn’t feel like going to church at all anymore. It seems just a place for Sunday, where is the living – the community outside one designated morning or evening a week? Disatisfaction. I don’t feel like I fit in ‘what I used to describe as’ church anymore, I don’t feel it is effective, I don’t feel it is the best or most useful way of doing things.

I am sitting on the top of a cliff edge looking down. I have now, a footing in a community, a footing in close relationships. One foot. I don’t have that other foot anywhere solid, that foot should be in a church community. What happens when I loose the other footing?

This year.

I might as well be a lump of play dough. I don’t know my shape any more. Every day seems to change me.

I would not trade what I have gotten out of this year for anything.

I am proud of where God has taken me, quite astounded at what He’s done. Fear is the price of growth. Risk for the non-risk taking Rebecca.

I could laugh at the seemingly small things – the riduculous simple things like having to do ‘swing dancing’ lessons and how they have quite forcefully put me in a position to examine who I am, who I was and who I want to be.

Next year.

No more fishtank, no more safety in glass walls. It’s the ocean as big as it is.

Afraid?
Only of losing what I’m leaving behind.

Church General Life Solomon Islands