The days seem to procure dramatically different reactions. Yesterday I had quite a few good (or messy) reasons to be not so impressed with myself and yet it was superb in straightening some things out. I did, (as you checked Monica) take some time out for myself which was very important in clarifying a few things and finding God absolutely all over that. The God stuff is on the improve – if you can claim that?

Today uni cast it’s ugly shaddow yet again. I am frustrated at being sort of-perfectly okay with what I’m doing one day and totally fed up with it the next. I don’t exactly want to give you another gloomy blog post again, but hmm it’s a bit of the reality at the moment (not everything of course but hey).

The problems I have with back/neck/shoulders are usually fairly subtle, so much that I think I’m just used to it never being quite right and only after a longish day or excessive hours of having to use the computer do they really hurt, but coming home today was pretty bad and still is. It’s reached a point where I’m trying to work out why I’m so ‘Blah’ so often and I think it’s got a lot to do with it. I went to the lake for a little bit after getting back to my car because I needed to walk or move/stretch a bit or something. It’s a beautiful day out there! I really should get my back checked it’s no longer pleasant. Oh… and if you ever want to give me a massage?

I had afternoon tea with Sam who was in a very silly/funny/hilarious mood. She gave me a present! The Garden State dvd. I am very happy as it was on my list (which doesn’t really exist) of the movies I want to own. Thanks Sam! If I wasn’t going out tonight, I stay home and watch it in my beautifully clean room where I can actually sit on the bean bag again.

My blogs are spacing out to one day on, one day off… their content isn’t so much improving. A small cause – which is excellent for me but maybe not so good for you (as a an all said and done reader) is that I’ve started journalling again. Wish me well in my endeavours, but do give me a prod to put something new in here now and then.

Oh the lovelys of Connex. However much I detest and love the thing (simply because it saves me money on petrol) I really don’t appreciate it taking me 3hrs to get to uni. Leaving at 7:42am and getting there around 11:42am (pretty well on the dot) is not exactly preferable. Mind you, it’s probably a little bit to much to just blame on the train system. A good bit of blame must go as an almighty round of applause to Eastlink.

On the lighter side. My morning made the Herald Sun and I had company pretty much the whole way. We managed to say a quick hi to James while waiting for about an hour in a line that just kept on going, got a seat on the bus, experienced three kinds – no, make that four, ways of getting from A to B, Adrian was nice and caught me up on the whole class of Studio that I managed to miss (5 minutes sure beats 2hrs), and I still got my assignment in on time!

I have never seen a line of people that long before! (The photo – thanks Herald Sun, was pretty much exactly like it was but unfortunately doesn’t show how far down it went) The comments on the Herald Sun article are quite amusing (some guy hitch-hiked – which was definitely one of the options being discussed by those around us). I was not at all impressed with ‘miss smoker in the silver plastic vest’. She lit up in the middle of the crowd, jumped the queue and gave the uggliest greasy I’ve ever seen to some woman who told her off. Other than that it was all pretty peaceful, pretty amusing and fairly annoying.

Just glad I was not coming from Belgrave – or it would’ve been ten times worse.

I’ve been thinking a little about changing a few things in my life.

That would mean pulling out (I’m thinking almost entirely) of something that I’ve been involved in for a long time. That would also mean removing things like msn from my computer.

It has been a long time since I’ve had a lot of time to myself. It’s funny because the whole busy thing really does sneak up on you. I can often gauge how much time I’ve given myself just to relax or to think by what I’m reading – or rather, not reading. I haven’t read a novel in at least a month, it’s oddly a pretty common self-warning bell. The state my room is another guage – at the moment it looks like a small tractor has torn it up. The state of my mind – which isn’t working at all very well. I’m finding it hugely difficult to concentrate properly on things that I’d like to be able to take in – some of the fantastic theological blogs out there would be well worth devoting some time to. It seems pretty small, but when you open them, sit there, look at it, want to read it and just can’t, it’s no fun.

I want to pour new things into my brain, but it’s thoroughly convoluted and there’s no room.

The whole it being a selfish thing to ‘take time out for myself’ deal doesn’t worry me anymore . You can’t keep going well in life if you don’t take time to recharge.

I’ve done some things far too long and my enthusiasm (what there is of it) has really bottomed out.

Cease effectiveness.

I’m doing some new things, like youth. I’m really liking it and I want to put much more into it but where things stand at the moment my efforts feel like they are being spread too widely and therefore I’m not properly useful anywhere.

Time for some change. Or at least to start think seriously about implementing some.

I was quite delighted today to have my cousin (the best one) say she’s addicted to reading my blog. Mum said something about the four-day lapse in thinking of checking to see if I was okay. Laura thinks I should change the font back to ‘small’ – anyone really disagree?

I am still sick although I hope have gotten over the worst of it. The headache is down to an occasional temporary throb and sits as dull background the rest of the time. Not exactly sure how up to doing ‘Messy Games’ at youth tonight but I can only try.

I’ve spent a bit of the morning and all the afternoon working on my website for some fictional bookselling company “Second Book on the Right” (here’s to making up random names). Doing my usual overcomplicate things until realising – or actually reading the assignment info again, that I could ignore all php/java scripting entirely if I so desired. I could’ve saved rather a lot of time instead of stuffing around investigating things. So it’s almost done, just need to throw in a few product pages and hope like mad that when it comes to client & server side scripting that I will have worked out what’s going on.

Not bad, considering most of this was done very last minute and I haven’t really done a website in well over two years. Dreamweaver skills – as easy as the program is, came flooding back pretty fast. Yeah right to coding from scratch when it has to be done by Monday (or tomorrow morning so I don’t have to think about it any more and can go be as social as I like). Some things are not worth the effort when there are perfectly suitable and allowable ways to do it simply.

I was thinking about holidays yesterday, possibly because I want one so badly, and how when it comes to the actual event I spend it mostly bored out of my brain or annoyed at myself for sleeping far too long and wasting each day. I should plan myself a holiday. I’ve always said I’d like to take a few days or a week just for myself. Go down to the Rye house or similar and be a blissful loner for a little while. Maybe take a wanted friend (how rude). Bring copious ammounts of interesting books, good music, a camera and hope the sun’s doing what it does best and filling that front room until there is no more space, then go to sleep in it without getting sunburnt and have no pressure from uni, from other people, from any ‘to do’ list – real or not real. And simply enjoy myself.

Frankly I think my body is tired from being sick and my mind is tired from irrational stress about assignments that always get done on time anyway and from attempting to work out ‘next’. Whatever other part of me left is tired – just because.

Hannah tells me it’s been four days since I’ve blogged. So here I am again (back finally!) to give you a run down on the past few days.

It’s Thursday today. My week has looked like this:

Monday – fairly standard, I think. I’m having a lot of trouble remembering anything special which isn’t surprising.

*Oh wow. Huge appologies (sorry Tom). Monday night we had a YITS catchup thingo – how could I forget. In around the Hawthorn area at Alecia/Laura/Em’s place. Heaps of them all came up. Tom and Jane all the way from Geelong (was very happy to see them), Dawn from Castlemaine. There was all kinds of carpooling going on and it was a generally enjoyable evening with some rather wonderful pizza that had pumpkin on it.

Tuesday wound itself into something pretty spectacular (which is exaggerating maybe a bit), Geoff and I decided we’d have a ‘card playing’ night with Anita (his sister) and whichever of mine were home. I left uni early as I was feeling pretty blah. Slept for three hours when I got home and decided to not mention it so that the evening would still happen.

It turned out Anita was babysitting and Laura had a uni friend over (others all out). So Colin and Tim joined the invite list. Col couldn’t come, so I unsucessfully tried to get on to Analise to make up some numbers, gave up and found Tony in my phone, after which Ana called and decided to come anyway. I was way out of it and there were frequent comments all evening about how dead I looked, but it was great fun.

Wednesday was one of “those” days. Relatively horrible really. It started well. Caught the train with Geoff, Matt (from uni) was there too, and Gabe and he were on my bus. I get along well with both of them even though they mostly just talk about games… both friendly. I spent the lecture (which I couldnt really hear because he refused to turn his mic on) talking to Justin (the mature aged student) about the assignment and uni in general.

This is the assignment that the due date was listed in one place as September 28th – it is wrong!!! It’s now due on August 28th, which is what I thought originally. I am of-course not impressed and tomorrow is going to be all about finishing it.

Anyway, Justin’s always been really nice to me – I think it’s sadly got something to do with my work ethic, but I certainly needed it. I got the lecutre slides off him – these are the ones the lecturer refuses to give out to make people come to his classes, which is all very well, but really not very convenient for looking back on. I don’t want to know how he got them. So we were talking about how certain subjects were a complete waste of time and how people just talk through them etc. And I mentioned how really not happy I am with the course I’m in etc etc… He offered to buy me a coffee (just in a nice way) and just work on stuff etc… I declined and opted to go home as I was feeling pretty lousy.

So, the bus trip back was full of ‘what next’ thoughts. Various ad’s around Box Hill station taunted me with, “She’ll find out what She’s Cut out For” etc… And Dad got a call from Johann (Dad’s overseas atm) which I answered, he had a brief chat to me and told me to stay in uni *glare* (I didn’t really want to explain the full circumstance so I just let it slide).

The hard reality of the situation is that when it comes down to it, I really don’t want to continue in the course I’m in. There are quite a few reasons. The people are fine – but the level and quality of what’s being taught, and what it is just isn’t fitting. I don’t think it’s the area I want to end up in. But then, I don’t really know what is. I’m not at uni, ‘just to get a qualification’, I’d like to hope the three years would at least be fractionally interesting. At the moment I can’t see how I’d come out of the course knowing much more than what I already did, or what’s common sense then when I went in. I’m not being arrogant – sadly just realistic. I don’t want to not study, but I think I need to change angles or at least get into something that will stretch my mind.

Of the evening – I changed my mind multiple times about going to the ‘girls’ thingo (Usual young adults stuff a bit different this week). I wanted to, but when it came down to it was feeling far too blah so I stayed home watched Two-Weeks Notice (veryaverage chick-flick) and went to bed at 9:00!

Thursday. I am now definitely sick with something. After 14hrs sleep woke up with a headache and sore throat. It was pretty good day really. Easy. I worked most of it. Ebay stuff is going well. I will think about the assignment tomorrow.

And so, that’s the rather boring run-down. Quality literature from a very tired mind. I shall continue no doubt in the next few hours to feel pretty lousy, make some dinner, have a shower, go to bed,read and then turn out the lights early again.

btw. Isn’t that picture great! (the Blogg one) it’s from a Seuss book of the title of this blog post.