What a terrifyingly excellent day!
Picture from Exploding Dog, “and you don’t know what’s inside” just to be thoroughly obscure.
Church: Pete was all over the place this morning, kept me on my toes – some good points though! Prophesy time this morning is also worth noting (despite me being so far back and some of it hard to hear) some stuff in there for me I think. If I’m allowed to take them personally (as well as corporately). Trust trust etc.
Wednesday night, Tim P showed me a couple of things he’d written, one of which I think he’ll be discussing with us all next week and another which he had in his hand and I asked for a look… after reading it – I asked him to email it to me as it was reasonably helpful/reassuring for that moment. It rings vaguely with what sits on my wall by my bed (and is on this blog somewhere).
“The places you don’t want to be are where I have called you. The people you have met and know, are the people that I have placed in your life to grow you and shape you. Each day new things will happen and your only certainly is that I will be there for you in it all. Trust Me and let Me love you, for I am more than you need.
Soon days will come where you may feel in over your head, but know I am with you. With Me, you have power beyond anything that could come your way. Be strong in Me, and I will be strong through you. My love is sufficient for you.”
There has been a fair bit of trust needed lately. A fair bit of leaning on God. Of facing ridiculous outdated fears. Oh it’s good – it really is, which is probably why I’m so keen on working some on some of the scabbed bits of me. Ha. At the same time things are all pretty daunting. I like it how God makes a point of reminding me of where he is in everything.
I keep coming across Psalm 116.
It’s a funny thing. There’s reliance on God because of need, reliance because of want, reliance because there is no other option. It’s a good experience to have a taste of it all – particularly the ‘want’ bit. I want so strongly for God to be entirely involved in this facet of my life. If only that desire was so strong for life as it is in it’s everyday, it’s intriguing, it’s mundane, it’s routine, it’s occasional highlight, it’s good times…
It’s been a day run on very little sleep. I got a grand total of 4.5hrs last night. Due to a couple of things – something I was thinking extensively about and praying about and the rsi in my right wrist/shoulder flaring up. The latter was the most to blame when the time got to the ridiculous, I was well over running through a million and one options in my head. At 3:30 or so I got out of bed and sat in my beanbag and read my way through 1 Corinthians. Why the heck I picked that, besides something in me saying ‘read chapter 2‘, I’m not sure. Chapter 2 really didn’t get me anywhere too far. It did overall bring a certain kind of – stillness to everything and I managed to sleep pretty well straight after.
Earlier in the evening after I got offline and a while – I began walking myself back through a few old journal entries. I wanted to check out where I was this time last year. It was just a little bit annoying to have not actually written anything on July 2nd 2005 but I read the days around the date.
June last year was a significantly difficult time for me in terms of where I was with God. It was the ‘dreaded midyear holiday’ period and I believe there occured what I experienced as a shocking family holiday, a big lot of doubting and some pretty large issues around trying to be positive. By the very start of July ’05 I was realising a few things and getting back some confidence in this ‘God of mine’.
3rd of July ’05 – the journal (I was on an ‘off period for blogging’) has a good old look at some stuff from the book Captivating. The mention of Prov 4:23, some wandering around ‘understanding myself’ and the mention of something I find quite funny – about some fears I had (and still sort of have) the wants, and the desire to find my place in the world. Very interesting.
On Sunday Kathy preached – and if the YVV site is working you can probably download it in a week or so, on Eph 4:9-16 and Mark 14:32-42 – about ‘Growing Up’ 0r, “attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ”.
As always I got heaps out of what she had to say and took copious notes. The ‘freedom’ theme came up several times which was interesting in light of that dream I had the night before.
Building into our spiritual maturity came up which she pointed to being both through spiritual disciplines and emotional health.
I had a laugh in the midst of my head’s garbage at the irony of just how low a point I was hitting in the, ’emotional health arena’ re: the listed examples given, at that point.
It’s a good thing to know that God is invested in our wholeness. It is (spiritual maturity) very much a unity thing – the ‘growing up’ involves eachother. I was reminded of what John Capper gave me back in March, Phillipians 2 and how he encouraged me to keep on with what was already going on in my life. A very positive morning all round (other bits besides the sermon were really good too) that managed to thoroughly muck with my insides but in a good way.
Today I spent on a trip into the city with Sam to meetup with Steve (that WAlien still hanging around 😉 – I was glad to get out of the house and into a situation that didn’t require or allow for much thought or the tendancy to slip in to, ‘I need Matthew 6 principles now’.
So we did the ‘cultural’ tour. ACMI as Fed Square Art Gallery was closed (yet again!) – I’ve never been there – it was pretty cool. NGV – no Picasso for Bec this time unfortuantely 🙁 but I got to facinate myself with the photography exhibition on Suburban America which both S&S got sick of long before I did, and the Shrine of Rememberance. Check out some of the photos on flickr if you so desire. Oh – and a trip to Starbucks.
I got the train back by my ownsome and was entertained by usual interesting train moments and my own head.
Mum made Chicken and Broccoli tonight – my favourite, and there was pithy orange juice.
The difference from last year to where I am now is huge. If it is possible to encourage yourself – I have by standing back a little and watching my reactions of how quickly God came into the focus of where my concerns were – He truly is what comes first and he really does look out for us.
“No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him”
– 1 Cor 2:9
Ha! Will you look at that!
In college I learned about “Johari’s Window.” The window, a square with four quadrants, is a self-awareness tool. The first quadrant represents open area — the things you know about yourself and others know about you. The second quadrant represents your blind spots — things others know about you that you don’t know about yourself. The third section represents the hidden area — things you know about yourself that you have not disclosed to others. And the fourth quadrant represents the unknown area — things neither you nor others know about you.
We talked about Johari’s Window re: relationships in Youth Min the other night. How bizzare. Also about the importance of feedback. I had a ‘feedback’ discussion with Monica the other night re: class. Was good, despite qualms it would shift the friendship to mentor/mentoree.
To all those who have pointed out blindspots of mine and communicated them kindly enough so that I’ll listen. Thank you. You are the friends I trust and value the most.
…and no, that isn’t a call to point out everything wrong with Rebecca.
