How curious. The last time I got an email from this person was almost a year ago. This one has been sitting in my inbox for about three days. No it wasn’t specifically for me – a group email, it asks for a reply. I am the only one of my siblings which got the email – which is vaguely curious. I grew up with this person, they played somewhat of a significant role in my life in 2001.


How much I have changed.

It frustates me sometimes when I realise how ineffective I’ve been in keeping in touch with Solomons people. We all moved and moved on. I still love them like my family. I would still spend time with them above anyone else in the world, more than the friends I have now. I would drop anything ‘important’ if they were around. But I don’t really know them anymore.

You know. I can’t even remember them. I can’t remember their voice and I only know their smile from photos.

How do you reintroduce yourself?

I’m not the Rebecca you know,
but I’m the same you knew.

I have been wondering whether to even bother replying. Something in me wants to. Something in me wants to leave the lot behind so I don’t potentially have to rehash what was. Maybe its a risk? I’m most definitely thinking things through too much, I know those of you who would say to me, “What’s your problem Bec” and those who don’t even see the issue.

Church this morning. A Sunday reoccurence of feeling vastly dissatisfied with the church I’m in. Ot’s all perfectly fine when the sermon’s going. Its really good in that respect. Yet there is this massively gaping void of relationship. If Jess is not there, if Analise is in with the kids, then there is a hello and a bit of small talk with Isobelle and that is it. I do not know people. I can’t joing a young adults small group until YITS is over as it clashes with Wednesday night class. Ostracized? Curls was there this morning, back from England – Laura talked with him, I didn’t recognise him at all until he was pointed out.

Its hard path. I was talking to God during the singing. This year has rocked what comfort I found in tradition. Jess said she doesn’t feel like going to church at all anymore. It seems just a place for Sunday, where is the living – the community outside one designated morning or evening a week? Disatisfaction. I don’t feel like I fit in ‘what I used to describe as’ church anymore, I don’t feel it is effective, I don’t feel it is the best or most useful way of doing things.

I am sitting on the top of a cliff edge looking down. I have now, a footing in a community, a footing in close relationships. One foot. I don’t have that other foot anywhere solid, that foot should be in a church community. What happens when I loose the other footing?

This year.

I might as well be a lump of play dough. I don’t know my shape any more. Every day seems to change me.

I would not trade what I have gotten out of this year for anything.

I am proud of where God has taken me, quite astounded at what He’s done. Fear is the price of growth. Risk for the non-risk taking Rebecca.

I could laugh at the seemingly small things – the riduculous simple things like having to do ‘swing dancing’ lessons and how they have quite forcefully put me in a position to examine who I am, who I was and who I want to be.

Next year.

No more fishtank, no more safety in glass walls. It’s the ocean as big as it is.

Only of losing what I’m leaving behind.

Church General Life Solomon Islands

from 15/6/05

Went to missions trip info night for Owa language group. New Testament…or is it Bible dedictation. Thats Santa Ana (Island in the Solomons). I went basically to catch up with the Mellows and take my mind off everything else.

I amaze myself… am so comfortable with them its like quiet bec doesn’t exist. Was good to laugh, to remember together. Sisters weren’t there.

Personal Creed is done! Work tomorrow and after that, freedom! Time, it finally slows down enough for me to catch up, or in taking the metaphor more literally, to get off and forget it for awhile.

Church stuff, I have now a much fuller picture.

I was reading a book I found on the table this morning, skim read cover to cover.
Fractured Families: A Melbourne church cult (link to article from the Age)

Somewhat disturbing. Namely the last names of WPC people, of whom are causing much of the problems – Roe’s, Nicholls.

I guess just that it is/was prevalant in areas like Mont Albert, Surrey Hills… all places around where church is. They had a big problem with ‘the fellowship’ in Mt Evelyn. Did I take a step back when I read that name! And some of the founders or something were missionaries in the Solomons and stuff in the SSEC church. of which was one of the denomination/churches we 50:50 attended. Too close to home. weird. Book was written only last year. Brings stuff close to home, makes you wonder.

Mmm. so Church. I will pretty much have to go to Saturday’s meeting. Dad’s prediction of the situation, probably mass exodus (maybe not) 30-40 left. Interim pastor etc… they’ll run church their way for 10 or 15yrs then it will die out (they are prty much all older). I dare say it wont be a place to attract youth, families, growth for that matter. Then again God, I have no idea what you have in plan. Sad yes, but pleased its nearly all over.

Walsh’s had some retailiation meeting at their place tonight. Monty J was going to try tell them they are being ‘carnal’ in their approach to it all. It was going to be an attempt at forcing Geoff, dad… to leave. Dad Mark and Geoff sort of beat them to it, closed the umbrella before they got a chance – the letter about resignations went out today.

Hmm, God you know what’s going on.
Thankyou for being constant, unchanging.
For being a just God and a loving God.

Church General Solomon Islands

I slept in until 1:00pm today. I never do that. I should watch myself, maybe I”m more worn out than I think. Wrote my 5 Principles of Living essay. It’s strange lately, I’ve had heaps of Solomons and PNG memories come back to me. Why? It’s great, but why now? Is my mind, myself able to cope with them now I’ve sorted other stuff out? I don’t know.
God open my eyes as I look through stuff like these 5 principles and remember past stuff. Thank you for working in me then and for making me the person I am now. Continue your good work.

General Life Solomon Islands YITS

When I got woken up this morning by dad to go to church for Good Friday and hearing that we were going after to the Mellows. I cried. It was utterly unreasonalbe, maybe I was half asleep, maybe I was just annoyed that my ‘study’ plans were stuffed up. I complained but decided to go. Sometimes I don’t understand myself.

Church was okay, I had a sore throat – which has just gotten sorer. I was I guess at a place where I felt I needed you so bad God. Feelings from after ‘the Passion’ were there. Alone and very dependant. Unworthy. Sometimes in my mind I associate or treat myself – God I’m such a pile of nothing, dirt without you. Thoughts of this ran through my head – you (metaphorically) tapped me ont eh shoulder with a firm no. God you chose me – long before I chose you. I wasn’t dirt, I was just dirty. You cleaned me.

I always have mixed feelings about visiting Solmon’s people. I love the Mellows to bits. It’s I guess just hard. Emotionally shredding sometimes.
I can walk right back into their lives and be so completely at ease even if I haven’t seen them for ages.
Who else has a family – many families where you can bum arround w/ 3 guys who are your brothers – but aren’t – have no reservations whatsoever.

I don’t ever I think, get the same ‘safe’ feeling – well to that extent with my Australian (ie: non Solomon) friends.
Awesome God, Thankyou for the amazing reality of my life, my remarkable experiences – I want to say blessings, but that’s a word I don’t like so much – don’t know why.
But they are.

Where would I be without them and all that has happened?
Where would I be without you?
Not dirt, but dirtied – now clean.
You have coloured in my life in such a way that no one else ever could.

Church General Solomon Islands