Published November 19, 2005 by

Saturday one

I have spent my day…

  • creating a cover letter with some timely advice from Tilla, I love email.
  • dropping in my resume (and the cover letter which finally got done) at Dymocks
  • shopping with the lovely Sam
  • randomly itching my face because the stupid face wash stuff I bought does have that methyl/propylparaben in it (which I think is the problem). I had one picked out, all checked and then grabbed the ‘mild’ one at the last minute. Stupid girl Rebecca. Products of the cosmetic kind cost way too much, remind me why I never usually buy them?
  • researching exhibitions (mostly the free ones) and such activities around Melbourne in the coming montshs, so that I can spend some of all this free time immersing myself into good culture
  • reading The Potato Factory -Bryce Courtney, which I’m only about a third through still. It is thorougly engrossing, rather a bit more crude than I usually allow myself to read and I wouldn’t want to see the movie unless it is tamed down rather a lot. I can’t not finish it. Imagination is a good thing you can place way more limits on it than you can with a visual image.
  • writing an email to Kerryn, the one person above all who I would have liked to do the ‘affirmation’ session on camp for. She couldn’t come for some reason or other.

It has thus been quite a good day.

Particularly as I can now let my Grandma know that I want something other than a voucher for a Christmas present, which would have to be a first in about four years. If things go as planned I shall go with her (I hope) to see Handel’s Messiah at Hamer Hall (Melbourne Symphony Orchestra) on the 9th of December. Ah much excitement!
If that falls through, I shall hope to nab some less attractive seats (C reserve) for myself as it isn’t that expensive, although I may not be able to see. I have a significant attachment to this piece of music.

Hoorah!

General Life Work

Published June 11, 2005 by

God controlled chaos

Also from the 11th (today the 13th)

————-

I do know that for all its luxuries, three course, three-hour amazing meals, ample accommodation and sweeping grounds this will not be the most remembered part. Oh the value and insight from some of the conferences, sure – great. But if this weekend amounted to nothing more than that conversation with Bek Smith then it was entirely worth it.

Being both elders daughters our perspective on what has been going on a WPC has been, well to say, somewhat more enlightened than others. Our dissatisfaction is shared, what went or started long before any problems became evident. Our inability to articulate where things sit, is common ground. Frustration stemming, yes from the problems and from I guess the limits that have accumulated over the years. It’s as if certain good parts of our church drifted and got lost, or that the focus from the onset was wrong. To tell the truth, I really have no idea what happened when. I do know that it is terribly difficult to explain the situation outside of context and had you been there as a ‘member’ (and I put that in inverted commas for plenty of reasons) then you might be able to grasp it.

Although I have talked and shared many of my concerns with Burkie, with Jas and a few others there has always been that once removed factor. Rebekah said she tried, even with her Mum, with Naomi, and Tracey but didn’t find what she felt was understanding. We somehow seem to be on the same wavelength. She expressed this huge relief about having being able to talk stuff through. Sharing frustrations, our angst over what’s going on in the tangled mess of ugly church politics, our sadness over the disunity, about Christians showing up to church and wearing ‘masks’ of good behavior and lying through their Sunday facade. Whatever I got out of it – more frustration about thinking about it more, I’m glad you were able to use me for Bek’s sake. It is hard to know where you cross the line between straight gossip and judgment where do you draw the line in talking about a very real issue, and where you should stop and cease speculating, attempting to fit the pieces you have of the story together.

God I said that I’d rather know all or nothing. I guess it doesn’t matter. I know what I have heard and I’ve heard enough. I have a sincere disquiet about WPC. Oh God, its not what church is meant to be like. No community, all leadership debacles, no unity, all discord, no joy, all going through the motions.

What is wrong God? How do I respond appropriately? When do I leave?

When. It’s more a case of when now, then the straight YES or NO. Where is what follows. Both I need your input on. More than just your input, I need your ‘go’ before I do anything. Has that been given yet?

God, you know the future of that place. I can only ask that you be there, and if it is your will to let it draw to a close peacefully, to take the stress from Mark’s, Murray’s, Anton’s, Dad’s shoulders. Be there tomorrow. Meet many, let many be willing and open to hearing you.

Help them to listen God. That’s what Bek said, ‘they just don’t want to listen (to you)’. Thank you for Bek, thank you for the enormous blessing she’s been for me today. You are God and you are in control. Help Bek to remember that. Help me to remember that. Help us know you’re overseeing everything.

Church General Work

Published June 11, 2005 by

Muse

….back dating (it is actually the 13th today). Stonelea/business conference. Exceptional experience. Fairly interesting sessions. Given so much food.

so… what I wrote (two seperate times on the 11th) I actually found it pretty hard to think through anything. Random musing below.

———-

It is interesting. Observing myself and my strong desire for solitude. How I can be completely content to be well, alone. Particularly when I can sit in front of some expanse or peaceful no, even busy aspect of life. This is where I am met. I came out with two initiatives. The first to work out all the stuff – to plan I suppose the rest of my holidays. The second to escape my frustration of not having a camera to capture the moment/the place, the peace and set out to actually experience it. God said something about that to me.

I went for a walk and found people. The room is nice but no place when there is better outside. So I am sitting on the edge of this sweeping verandah with vines hanging beside me keeping me company. It is dusk. Some mountain across from me with an icing of cloud before the break where it is less dense and returning again to seamless cover. The stars wont come out tonight.

Oh there are distractions. Cars passing ever so often. A noisy cow. Tennis balls.

So I understand that I need practice in capturing the moment in words. What I want to do. To learn. To paint, to photograph with letters.

Grey and green. Not depressing, The quiet when you listen to it is replaced with noise. Birds, cows. There is life.

The poem… one line of it returned to me. I can’t remember anything but ‘the stillness’.
It is not still.

Is this one more cog in the wheel of finding a place. Discovering a bit more of who I am. Which in reality should be discovering a bit more of who you are.

Interrupted.

Moved inside.

I wonder God about the discrepancies of my writing. How I flick from writing to a ‘mock’ audience, to writing for you, writing to remember, writing because of writing.

Am I isolated. Yes. Do I do so intentionally. Yes. I like alone. I need you.
Do I like alone so much because I haven’t found the company I yet want.
Am I lonely. Not right now. Bigger picture, perhaps yes. But that time will come.

For now.

What do you want me to do? More so, how do I use this? What are my goals my dreams?

Got stopped short during the discussion on ‘Harmonised Passions”. When the question was asked, who knows you so well that they can look into your life and tell you where you’ve well, hmm need to re-emphasise your time.

What barriers do I have in friendships?

I thought about it. Who knows me so well besides you God? There are those I spend YITS day’s with. Bar two of them I haven’t known them more than 5months. That’s not long enough. (and 3 days out of every 7 besides). Do the maths. Not long.

Sam and Jess. Barriers there. Sister’s best friend.

Friends like Burkie, that know maybe head processes, but cannot possibly give effective insight into actions – how time is spent, how I live, unless I articulate it in the first place.

Aside from that. They are family – barriers there, self created, sanity created.
Or they are overseas, or I see them seldom.

This is what I am seeking to build with Katie and Jo.

In reality. The friendship building ability of Rebecca. Absolutely sucks. Be it influenced by eternally moving, fear of commonality, fear of a place of being. Yes.

Harsh truth of living elsewhere your whole life. Making friends you cannot keep in face to face contact on a regular basis. Once a year a miracle. And the year gap changes you so much that you essentially have to start from scratch again.

Melancholy.

Lord. Help me to be intentional. About friendships, writing, spending time with you, building relationships. Work in me. Grow me. Use me. I need you.

General Life Relationships Work

Published June 10, 2005 by

Until Monday

1hr and I’m heading off to a work conference… the long weekend up at Stonelea which is up Alexandra way. First time I dare say for me staying anywhere that isn’t exactly ‘cheap’ accomodation. Don’t have to share a room. Intend to enjoy myself, get that ‘time’ I’m so badly after. Thinking is high high on the priority list. Will have various work meeting things to attended as well as tomorrow afternoon’s ‘Round Robin’ activity (ie: group/families activity from fishing to scavenger hunt, to volleyball) weather permitting.
Weather does not look permitting.
I’m apparently the ‘green team’ leader. Hohum.

Rebekah Smith will be there. She’s Em’s age (16ish) which is good, as we’ve known the Smiths for a long time. Otherwise, work people and their families (be they married + children).

Today, for sleeping in. Made it 11:00, bed til 11:40ish. Vivid dreams. Its if I’ve unleashed some creative monster in my brain. Haven’t dreamt at all for ages and the past few days my head’s come alive. Known and unknown characters. Out there dreams. Strange locations, strange themes. Interesting. Not funny, not terrifying. Much as an onlooker. Memorable.

Breakfast. Spent some time sitting, worked out that past few days have revolved around me and not God and that is not good, spent time talking to God. Walked dog. Online. Spent ages looking for a non-existant bag to pack in and ended up with the Retravision one. Packed.

Looking online again at MK stuff (or the severe shortage of it, will think about that and my other as yet empty blog re: that). Looked at various blogs. Found my way to NaNoWriMo by accident. Remember vaguely being told about it. Might think about doing it. Need to write more specifically.

Checking if this image thing works again… This is accountabilty group (quite a bad photo of all us). Me, Katie, Jo.

Now I’d better pack up this computer and go get dinner. No internet for 4 days. Should be good for me.

General Work YITS

Published December 23, 2004 by

Hope

Its strange how things all seem to fall into place at the same time.

I have a job. First application, First Interview, First Job. Full time reception/admin and some design work at an interesting business. The people I met were friendly. The only real draw back is that I have to travel 1.5hrs by train/tram to get there. So this is during the holidays – I start on the 6th of Jan. I can only hope and pray that it continues into next year.

Uni courses, I feel pretty good about it all, none of my friends are going through crisies atm. God is good.

Im not freaking out about friendships/realtionships… it seems right now that God has it all completely under control. He’s given me patience, hope and peace.

Yeah things are never completely smooth sailing. Time frames the portrait of change, and God uses that. I have changed a phenominal amount since last year – since three years ago.

Christmas this year although it doesn’t feel like Christmas is a better season than last year, and although its not completely the season ‘to be jolly’ – the sadness isnt there anymore.

General Life Uni Work