When I got woken up this morning by dad to go to church for Good Friday and hearing that we were going after to the Mellows. I cried. It was utterly unreasonalbe, maybe I was half asleep, maybe I was just annoyed that my ‘study’ plans were stuffed up. I complained but decided to go. Sometimes I don’t understand myself.
Church was okay, I had a sore throat – which has just gotten sorer. I was I guess at a place where I felt I needed you so bad God. Feelings from after ‘the Passion’ were there. Alone and very dependant. Unworthy. Sometimes in my mind I associate or treat myself – God I’m such a pile of nothing, dirt without you. Thoughts of this ran through my head – you (metaphorically) tapped me ont eh shoulder with a firm no. God you chose me – long before I chose you. I wasn’t dirt, I was just dirty. You cleaned me.
I always have mixed feelings about visiting Solmon’s people. I love the Mellows to bits. It’s I guess just hard. Emotionally shredding sometimes.
I can walk right back into their lives and be so completely at ease even if I haven’t seen them for ages.
Who else has a family – many families where you can bum arround w/ 3 guys who are your brothers – but aren’t – have no reservations whatsoever.
I don’t ever I think, get the same ‘safe’ feeling – well to that extent with my Australian (ie: non Solomon) friends.
Awesome God, Thankyou for the amazing reality of my life, my remarkable experiences – I want to say blessings, but that’s a word I don’t like so much – don’t know why.
But they are.
Where would I be without them and all that has happened?
Where would I be without you?
Not dirt, but dirtied – now clean.
You have coloured in my life in such a way that no one else ever could.