Orbit (unabridged)

For all I know of you now…
What is it that rebels in me when friends make continual effort? I move, I change just like everyone does. Why is being ever transient appealing when all I’ve ever wanted was constancy?
Why does boredom flank loneliness and fight an inconsitent victory?
And these incredibally important people in my life – they live in photographs and memories. I don’t even know what they are doing, how they are going or who they are now.
Am I too afraid to be fixed – stuck, for fear that I’ll be forced to move on? It makes some sense.

I can’t help felling a bit traitorous when I don’t feel overjoyed, how I even get annoyed when there is a systematic ‘catching up’. These people are my friends… it doesn’t, it isn’t normal.

Oh there is some intrisinct ‘lonely’ monster in each of us. Why else do we get so thingy about having friends, getting emails, phone calls, relationships, getting married. Our core rotates around the ‘other’ (after ourselves)- this desire to be known and to have a purpose in knowing.

God how much do I want that from you? How insanely complicated it is to even comprehend the fact that you can be that for me.

Humanity is a swirling, cold, disorientated mass of beings searching, searching and never finding. Even when we find we are always looking for more, for something better.

There is nothing better than you.
To be established in that…
I want to know and be known.


  1. sam said:

    Somehow looking back into the past makes me sad too… i remember old friends who i shared so much with, but now are only a memory… sometimes i wonder why life has to change…

    August 20, 2005
  2. said:

    🙂 this is where bec’s mind blurs a daily fact and the past.

    I caught up with Jess D, Jacqui, Ana last night… the ‘catch up thing’ is re: them.

    the past factor… stupid critical incidents timeline, fairly difficult going back over some things. Ha! I would give an arm to catch up with them – all those who are out of reach. Most of them in the US or PNG or still in the Solomons.

    dont get me wrong Sam, change is a good thing. It’s taken me an awfully long time to work it out, but yes.

    August 20, 2005

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