“To be, rather than to appear”
As of two minutes ago I was in a not so exuberant mood. I hate hate hate shopping when you go intentionally and can’t find anything. What do they make bathers for now? Show? or the junk heap. Ugly and impractical. Wish I hadn’t lost my last ones.
I get home. Email from Jane showing how bad budget is for end of year party (which is next week). Two emails below that is one from Angela (finance person at Tabor) and they’ve finally decided we worked hard enough so they are being more generous which means we are saved and can deliver on what the posters promised. So good, not to have to stress about that. Hurrah for God!
Wrote a shockingly long to-do list on the train. Had copious amounts of time as the weather affected the power which affected the train signals. Which meant I had to sit on the already late train for ages, then change, then sit even longer and stop, start, stop, start. Took me nearly 2hours to get to work (not quite). The book I bought with me was decidedly badly written so I gave up after chapter 6. My headphones started playing up, so now only one ear piece works properly. The rechargeables have already worn out so it’s running on others that could run out very suddenly but thankfully didn’t.
Work wasn’t too bad. Except for having to do two site surveys, one of which I got out of because the person wasn’t available. I hate phones.
Oh how optimistic this all sounds.
Was overtired. The coffee at work isn’t as great as it used to be for some reason. I can’t bring myself to drink coke yet after too much social justice talk so had Sunkist which in reality is probably just as bad. I think it’s placebo. So it was tea when I got there, and coffee this afternoon ha ha no, not fair trade.
The races are on. I don’t know which ones now. I entirely missed seeing the cup on Tuesday – I don’t really care much. Heaps of dressed up, hat/facinator/low cut dressed at the station. Look a bit ridiculous, a lot of them. Ha, but then onto the train. Wow, it was so entirely amusing. These four old (60yrs’ish) women, chatting really loudly. They were coordinated perfectly. Purple and red, each different, all matching. It was really quite funny. I saw the older guy facing me turn around and look have a bit of a laugh to himself. I was grinning behind my hand and headphones. They had an animated conversation about how ‘young men’ should be polite by offering their seats up, and then questioned whether people should offer seats to old men etcetera. “It’s manners”. They were dressed to varying taste. The woman whose face I could see had a fairly flat purple hat with bright red feathers around the brim, it was pretty tacky, but some of the others had it just about right. It made me think of the movie, “Mrs. Calidcot and the Cabbage War” – old ladies with attitude.
I couldn’t see them for most of the trip as the train was packed, but when they got off, red feathers had hot pink bag and umbrella. Ah dear.
Was perfect and unusal and so entirely entertaining. They walked out as if they were dressed to the nines and into a culture entirely unlike that of the 21st Century.
Home now. Late but not really. Have got in the door and need to head dump to page.
Hello brain immaturity.
Began to seriously question what I’m doing with my life.
I really like Tabor. I mean really like it. The community aspect of the place, the people. I have previously questioned coming back one day.
So I reconsidered (this was running through my head about a month back) next year and not going to uni, but going to do a Bach. of Ministry or something (at Tabor) instead. I had myself semi-convinced as of the moment that uni seems pretty pointless, I am unsure about my course, I don’t know if it is what I want to do with my life. I am interested in it yes, but yeah.
Talked about ‘the Christian Bubble’ ie: the fish tank analogy for those youth min people. I pushed this idea to the side. I know it, I knew it, I wanted to ignore it. There is still relevance where I am at the moment (head arguement). I’m finding it really hard to look that far ahead to when I am no longer studying.
I am not entirely sure if I intentionally directed the conversation towards feeling really out of community, I guess lost. Not really having a church. Not that traditional definitons of church really do anything for me at the moment. They don’t. I go to hope to get something out of the sermon, thats it. I don’t have relationships there, ha I don’t even have many familiar places, I don’t have people to look up to, or people to look up to me.
Essentially. I think I was, and am afraid what will happen next year.
I know exactly what I should be doing (which is going forward as planned next year), and how irrational I was being last night.
“So do you want to go to Tabor to exist in a Christian community, or do you want to do a Bachelor of Ministry?”
I knew the answer to this question Paul before you asked it. My motivations for staying are wrong. It is not the time for me to be sticking around. Someone might have well have taken the piece of paper of my life and folded it and cut squares and bits out of it for all the places I’ve left. Leaving things sucks, I’m so tired of it. But I needed to hear that, really needed to have a slap in the face with my own rationality from another’s words. Thank you.
Sleep and a 30 second thought on the train about it this afternoon and things are so blindingly obvious. What messed with my head was not good, I guess in some ways it’s useful to deal with it before I get three months down the track and wonder if I’m in the wrong place.
Well theres a varied blog post if I ever saw one. Now to ha, actually do those things on my to-do list.