I am frustrated and sad and angry and frustrated.
It was not a usual day.
Ah crap I give up writing this for other people why shouldnâ€™t I just write what I bloody well want to.
I canâ€™t stand mum. I canâ€™t stand coming home to be nagged at, yelled at and told what I canâ€™t do. I hate being treated like Iâ€™m 14. I hate it that she eternally finds the way to bring any thing not done around the house back onto anyone who so questions that it maybe wasnâ€™t their responsibility. I canâ€™t stand it how much she doesnâ€™t realise that the way she speaks doesnâ€™t get anything done.
She builds her case and I build mine. My unspoken ultimatum that I need to leave home as soon as I can possibly afford to. My mind that revels in the fact that I have job interview tommorrow that I would be thouroughly determined to get it purely for money which equals freedom and how I know perfectly well if I have an attitude like that I donâ€™t deserve any job. Then the foolness of it hits me and there is the frustration at not allowing myself to get really angry at her because its â€˜not honoringâ€™ and I know I shouldnâ€™t. I would like to be able to hold some kind of grude, but I canâ€™t without feeling guilty.
She doesnâ€™t know how to say no and leave things at that. How can I possibly respect her when all she does is present and yell at me the things I havenâ€™t (or have and she hasnâ€™t noticed) done and finds every single excuse or thing to blame me as a reason for her â€˜noâ€™. A simple no would work.
In truth, I should start just telling her what Iâ€™m doing, not asking. I donâ€™t need to ask any more.
A full day. Yes I was out for most of it. No I didnâ€™t realise this would come up.
Jess calls at 9:30pm, Iain has finally gotten on to her about where lots of the yisters are for Michaels â€˜partyâ€™ ie. Hang out thing. I am flat refused by mum and Dad who just goes along with her. I am sorely disappointed, to the point where I cry. I havenâ€™t done that in a long time. Emotional manipulation? Maybe partly, but I know it never works anyway. Leaving YITS I guess finally hits me, I will hardly see them now. I am crying and wondering what the hell Iâ€™m doing with my life.
Church pretty much sucks. I go to Gener8 tonight and feel like they are behind glass. So much show, so much show. Where is reality? What on earth can I do in this kind of church for the world. Talk talk talk talk talk. What does the stupid church do for the world? I am in a new nomad state. No longer country divided. I donâ€™t feel â€˜at homeâ€™ or even overly comfortable in a church anymore. I try my hardest to pull the good bits from the bad, but there is so much to question, so much only half presented. I am afraid I will in this environment forget what I have learnt, forget how much richer, how much harder, how much more there is. I canâ€™t claim to be the â€˜knower of all thingsâ€™. Damn, but if I can see so much that isnâ€™t being met what am I to do about it? I wouldnâ€™t dare to bring a non-Christian within 50metres of the place, Iâ€™d be so embarassed, so disgusted at the bubble we pin to religion and church andâ€¦ so ashamed at how removed and anti-cultural we are when a church tries to be culturally relevant. Itâ€™s not just Careforce stuff. I actually got stuff out of the sermon tonight there.
God. I donâ€™t know what to do. I donâ€™t know what I can do.
Where do I belong now?
I hate religion. I miss my friends. I miss being comfortable. I miss not just getting something good out of a sermon and not having to deal with all the crap and every second word that I question.
What am I doing with this â€˜spare timeâ€™ that I have?
Its so self absorbed sitting a home, sleeping in, spending the day entirely for yourself. I need to get out of this house for a while. I need some space.
Iâ€™m sick of routine, Iâ€™m sick of immature Christians, Iâ€™m sick of responsibility.
I hate the difference I found in the social contrast of last night and today.
Iâ€™m very glad I went to Paulâ€™s thing. It was not the easiest situation socially as I didnâ€™t really know anyone much, but itâ€™s helped me realise a few things.
You get such a different kind of person if you dump them overseas to grow up.
Itâ€™s going to be awfully hard to ever combine two social circles if you got married to someone without a lot of similar aquantinces. Hey! (mock revelation) this is perhaps the real reason why people should date. And this is just simple observation from an outsider going to a friendâ€™s party.
I am most uncomfortable in social situations where the majority of people are just a bit older than me (not like adults) but peers plus a few years. Why? I worked this one out a week or so back. I grew up where Laura and I were pretty much the eldest females in the lot of SITAG kids. Constantly. I have no problem relating and talking to younger people. Adults Iâ€™m usually fine with. But dump me with that peers+ and I am thoroughly at a loss. It might have something to do with â€˜having the upperhandâ€™ or it simply just being what Iâ€™m used to.
I far prefer hanging out with people who genuinely lead conversations. I couldnâ€™t care less if they talked their face off. I like being silent, I do this normally amongst people I am vastly familiar with, but I also like a decent conversation, some people this just isnâ€™t possible with. I like people who make it easy. I hate having to think of stuff to create small talk.
I am so sick of having to meet and make new friends (and this is thoroughly pertaining to church). I am not settled or very happy at Vineyard. Somethingâ€™s not quite right, but thatâ€™s no surprise, church is generally annoying.
I am frustrated at mum.
I am sad about YITS.
I am angry at how I feel about church and how it shouldnâ€™t be that way and logically I could work myself around it and keep continually having to.
I am frustrated about life and what Iâ€™m not doing and how I donâ€™t know what I can do because I donâ€™t know what I should do.
How am I running the race of life?
Because I think Iâ€™m doing a pathetic job at the moment.
And how do you explain anything, when others just donâ€™t get it?
“How admirable is thy Justice, O thou first mover! Thou hast not willed that any power should lack the processes or the qualities necessary for its results.”
Leonardo da Vinci
I had to voice that. Oh no doubt there is more of it God. But please hear what Iâ€™ve written. please pray what I canâ€™t. I donâ€™t know. I need you to know and to work on that. Please forgive me for what Iâ€™m holding against mum or people and Australian culture and the church. Show me how to love them again.