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It frustrates me when I am miserable and frustrated without having a tangible cause. I have been throwing stones, rather pathetically lately at lonliness and I thought that was ‘dealt with’ last night. I had a peculiar God moment where I finally gave in the instant the thoughts threw a party in my mind, and found myself where I was being affirmed in a way I needed it. Stuff that really hit home, what I’ve heard before of course, what I even understand regularly in the knowledge sense, but in a way that somehow got through.

This morning bought some extremely relevant truths or promtings rather, in regard to what’s been slowly building in relation to living life as we should as Christians. The radical kingdom of God stuff. Kathy Downes was speaking, not only were the themes consistent with what’s been dancing around my head (looks like husbands and wives talk after all :P) but she mentioned something similar to what I experienced last night which made my ears and mind all the more sharp.

Parallels were drawn with passion and mission, inhaling and exhaling, intimacy and compassion, contemplative and activist. X without Y is irrelevant to the world and Y without X doesn’t work for very long. I’ve been erring on the side of Y for a while now surprisingly (for me) and I know it.

She also mentioned she’d been asking God to take the lens of familiarity off, then reading the sermon on the mount Luke 6:17ff and again and again until it becomes shocking. Seeing how it begins to challenge you.

During the last song or so while people were getting prayed for, Peter caught my eye then came over and asked me if I would pray for one of the girls. He gave me the option of yes or no. I really don’t like being put on the spot when I’m given the no option because that response is always the easier and I knew if I took it, my overly horrible conscience would beat me to the floor later. I did however say “No”. I’ve been wandering through the reasons why I did. The laughable – and this is not to justify it, is that I was busting to go to the loo and I knew that if I went over, that it wasn’t going to happen for a least another 15 minutes. I had spent a lot of time during the sermon thinking over stuff excessively in relation to my own life and when people went up for prayer I slightly neglected to listen for what it was about – I’m thinking now that it was about the stuff shared, makes perfect sense, but I was unsure and this held me back. I am a big fat introvert and I didn’t know her. Maybe I am also a little uncertain of myself. All of these are really bad excuses… except maybe the toilet one. I could have and would have asked her what she wanted prayer about – thats common sense, I am not so much of an introvert that I’ve never talked to random strangers – I do that more than I like to admit, I could have just bitten the bullet and pushed my inhibitions aside for the sake of another person. Good stuff Bec.

I now I want to know why I felt uncertain.

Laura and I went for lunch to Susannah’s. Daniel was in on the plan, but backed out last minute due to lack of testosterone (Tim couldn’t come) don’t blame him. So we had a rather lovely lunch which took a long time to make as we made a quiche on her mum’s spontaneity. Quiche’s aren’t exactly done in 10 minutes… Susannah’s family are hilarious (in a good way). Played Man Bites Dog and left around 4pm.

Dad’s my hero. He replaced the faulty speedo in my car this afternoon. Now I don’t have keep guessing.

This evening I was being thoroughly unreasonable which, if you can remember the start of this altogether too long blog post, drew back to being frustrated at an incomprehendable reason. As a result I started going through all the different choices and things that dissatisfy me with my life at the moment. I can’t stand my work most of the time. I see my uni course pointing me in a direction that from where I stand, seems to do nothing to help anyone, doesn’t particularly enthrall me and has taught me pretty much nothing useful thus far. I still was sitting in the lonely pit and thus not happy at myself for thinking along the lines of being unhappy at this. Make sense?

After butchering some time and watching another P&P episode I sat down and read some pages of an old journal type book of mine. I was still frustrated but convinced I’d better do something about it. The journal left off at my wonderings around Romans 11. So, Romans 12 – why not start reading there? What I set out to read didn’t exactly happen as my eye was caught further across the page. God challenged me specificially about something that would be good for me to do and isn’t exactly a ‘norm’. My attitude definitely has to change around the situation/person, but it’s the ‘optional action’ that scares me. I’ll call it that because I think it is optional but it’s a call to something a bit radical (let me use that word for the sake of context). I was tracing thoughts around it and started thinking of all the people and out of the box opportunities I’ve had with working where I am now. I’ve been waltzing around telling people I’m going to quit my job sometime soon, I think I have to take it back now because I’m fairly sure God’s told me no. It was a left wing thought, I think he still wants me there. Oddly. Although the idea isn’t the most thrilling, I feel pretty settled about it.

My Tuesday afternoon lecture was cancelled, this makes finishing all those assignments far more possible. I have so many due this week.

Monica got engaged today. What a curious continuation of a remarkable story that is… I’m happy for her, but I don’t know quite what to think.