Half an hour and this has stayed blank.

I am ashamed and frustrated that I came online looking for someone to talk to when I didn’t have the words anyway. I went to God – half heartedly at first. I opened the Bible and all I could find was revenge and anger and powerful God and I came away discouraged. I sat with various windows open, msn set on offline – I looked at the names and drew lines through who I didn’t want to talk to. I am messed up inside, this world is full of a lot of shit that we can’t do a bloody thing about. I saw Hotel Rawanda tonight. I didn’t cry, I should have cried. Jess dropped us home and she hung around downloading stupid music, I just wanted her to leave. I had shower after I ‘set it up’ for her.

It wasn’t crying, it was disgusted ashamed shock, that drove too close to home. “How can people be so cruel”. It wasn’t a crying, a ‘that was so sad’. It wasn’t sad, it was terrible it was horrific it went beyond sad.

The gunshots, the rubbishbins and the road blocks reminded me of the Solomons – yes in far greater abundance. What hurt more was the resembling nature of two situations- one lot of people jealous over the other ‘tribe’ of people fighting and it out for control. The bribery, the deceipt, the corrupt nature of human beings. The machetes, the guns. Black faces. No, I never saw anything so horrible in person but the undertones were the same.

How I at 15 was so wrapped up in my stupid ‘security’ in the world revolves around us, the whites are the target – what bull. Sure seen as ‘richer’ and hence ‘more to take’. I didn’t hardly give a thought to the Malaitans, the Guadacanal people that got caught in the crossfire of a stupid cultural dispute. I know now I couldn’t have done anything to make a difference, that isn’t the point. I hardly ever even prayed for them. It was always for our saftey, for, ‘Oh please let us don’t be evactuated’.

and how pitiful one small Pacific Island’s problems seem in comparison to a genocide.

What a selfish world. I would have been 8 when it happened.

20 mins of sitting and I worked out what a fool I was. I got off. I went back to God. I didn’t want to open a Bible again. I was shown to Psalm 12.

I missed last monday’s class – where the task, ‘to erradicate some form of injustice in the world’. I haven’t done so. I have seen it in abundance, and I don’t know what the hell I can do about any of it.


Well, the mango annoyance has resulted in a fully fledged very normal feeling sore throat, which leads me to think that it might not have just been an allergy (mind you yesterday’s just felt really strange).

Church today, Vineyard. I wasn’t too keen on going. I have these major doubt swings for a yes/no deal as to whether I should be there. It was however really good. Music wise, I’d heard only one of the songs, the others I wish I’d heard earlier, good focus. The sermon was well done. Curiously relevant to some of the passages that have come up in YITS lately.

The following stuck out to me.

Romans 12:4-13
…If you preach, just preach God’s Message, nothing else; 7if you help, just help, don’t take over; if you teach, stick to your teaching; 8if you give encouraging guidance, be careful that you don’t get bossy; if you’re put in charge, don’t manipulate; if you’re called to give aid to people in distress, keep your eyes open and be quick to respond; if you work with the disadvantaged, don’t let yourself get irritated with them or depressed by them. Keep a smile on your face. 9Love from the center of who you are; don’t fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. 10Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle.

11Don’t burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, 12cheerfully expectant. Don’t quit in hard times; pray all the harder. 13Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality.

Tonight I am off to Reinhard’s (Acidoz for those who know him only by the gush name) place with Laura, and Jess W to watch Hotel Rwanda. A bit of an impromtu doing that came out of yesterday. Should be good. Haha shall be strange for him having three girls crash his place… not that Connie doesn’t know us 😛

Anyway. I have spent way too much time online today. This is boring post even I know that. Have had a cinnamon toast fettish all day (I think cinnamon toast is some of the American influence on my life… Australians hardly ever have it). Might go find something to eat for tea.



Well it is Sunday afternoon and I said I’d put some photos up (from when I was away) so here are a few, there are more over on the photo blog slowly more will get up there.

The lady with the very red hair is Wendy (whom we stayed with in Adelaide)
Click on the images for a better look.

Wendy and all of us (Emily, Dad, Wendy,Laura, Hannah, Myself)bar Mum, who looked around the town of Birdswood while we went to the Australian National Motor Museum.

Dad and I midway through the 14km walk thing. The top of Rawnsely’s Bluff. Dad told me he was self concious about looking like a park ranger 😛

Emily and I in the Woolshed Cafe. I was entirely stuffed (this is after Rawnsely’s Bluff)

And if you ever wanted to know where I work (what it) looks like, this is it.

Some park in Adelaide.

Um, that’ll do for now.