So much (abridged)

Weekend away – thoughts on that.

This will no doubt come out a Scarborough Fair of disjointed thoughts as I repiece what I didn’t record.

Starting Friday night. Year in the Son family and friends night. I was pretty tired after trouping the shops with Sam. General excitement and nervous tension – no doubt which I partially got caught up in. I remember feebly trying to explain to Dave how it felt like a bit of an ending. I do not think I conveyed whatever it was very well. The evening I think was pulled off without too much going wrong. If it, or something did it was hardly evident to me. I had to run to find some music at one stage and I dont think they should have sung at the end, but oh well. It was excellently pulled off.

Gave Dad a hug goodbye (he’s off to America)and left with Jess D, Jess VW and Laura.
Weekend away at Rye.

A sleepy Jacqui and Analise let us in. Everyone went to bed pretty well straight way. I eventually slammed the kettle down hard enough that it worked and made tea. Jess D joined me and as the others lost htemesleves to oblivion we talked.

It was Jess directed conversation which was my intent. I have no need or maybe even desire to invert my world onto hers. She talked more about… (blah blah no need to share this stuff). Not quite sure where she and God are at the moment, better than before.

She was coping ok with her Nan’s death until she went to youth for the first time after. And in the happy clappy pentecostal style it was too much. Her cousins up front jumping like nothing had changed. She was alienated. Grief was crowded out the door and left standing alone. And so the church effectively evicted another ‘member’. Such crap. Where is the realness in our worship? Why lie? Why laugh when all you want to do is scream? Why jump when you’d be more at home in a foetal position? Praise God through all circumstances – where’s that from again? Life circumstances don’t all deserve a smile.

Saturday. I don’t think I ever really woke up at all. We went for breakfast to a cafe ‘Coast’. Expensive. I ordered the cheapest on the menu. No coffee. I had water with me. Breakfast shouldn’t have to be expensive.

We wandered Sorrento most of the day. Those shops are becoming rather familiar. Returned to the house after lunch. Jacqui, Jess D, Laura and I went down to the back beach (St Andrews). I love that beach. Wild and calm and tourist free (unless that is what we are). Took many photos.

I confess it was a very apathetic Saturday. I didn’t care much about what I was/wasn’t doing. I was feeling a bit sick, dead tired and not in a talkative mood.

Planned to go to the drive-in (Dromana). Which we did. Some of the girls are quite adept at bad mouthing their partial/full annoyance at any not within hearing range. It became much more noticeable to me after we had some bad customer service from the chip shop woman, who’s sarcastic attempt at humor left the chips tasting not quite so good.

Jacqui’s car is very small. There were four of us in there to see Cinderella Man. Ana and Jess W in the other for ‘In Her Shoes’. Jess D started complaining mightly about being in the back so we swapped. I didn’t have much choice. I asked for a bit more leg room. Everyone (myself included) were genearally annoyed. I got fed up when they kept telling me what to do. Jess gave up and decided she’d have the back as the front wasn’t any better and because I wasn’t happy and a bit vocal about it.

Jess W and Ana came over. I got out to go with them to the loo/cafe thing for a look. Jess asked me if I wanted to join them as there was heaps of room over with them. I really did want to see Cinderella Man but decided I a) needed out of the other car before I really lost my cool or had to sit though the tension and b) I couldn’t deal with a heavy movie. I was able to enjoy myself and couldn’t care less if they moaned about me behind my back. Laura wouldn’t, the others might have.

Movie one done. Quite good surprisingly. The others called and decided not to stay. We did. The second movie ‘The Perfect Catch’ was a very mediocre chick flick, suitable for tired minds.

Just before leaving/part of the way through the last movie.
Me: staring out the window at the almost full moon and a bunch of white on rail car park dividers. A strange place for a deepish self examination and talk to God. Darkness hids emotion written on your face that will cannnot.

I can’t exactly remember where my thoughts wandered and what walls they climbed, aside from a few.

The first that has been in the back of my mind for a long while – Laura. In my long efforts to free myself from the twin mould I have created for her – myself maybe an indifference. I do not, I think respect her in the way that I should. I ignore her much of the time and keep conversation fairly succint, which sucks. She’s only ever been nice to me. She’s not too invasive – except for the occasional barge into my room, “I’m bored, what can we do?” – to which I’m usually ‘busy’. I talked to God aobu tit. I need to start changing whatever mask that flashes up, particularly when it’s me + Laura + school friends.

The second. Very probably triggered by the double shot of relationship orientated movies. My irrational brain tells me I’ve been mentally acting like a thirty year old single in regard to relationships. I sincerely doubt I would use that phrasing now, but that was what was in my head. I want one badly. Simply because I never have? Oh yes, some of it (loneliness) is quite normal – so normal. That saying, the lessening of relationship orientated thinking of late is pleasing. Yet, recalling past thoughts on singleness resulted in a battering ram of allowing a lot of witheld/taboo ideas out.

The fact that Rebecca’s realtionship capability sucks. That I really hate about myself that I often cannot keep a conversation running… amongst many other things. I went so far as to genuninely wish myself to back track and change who I am now by changing the past. I didn’t think about how specifically. I basically didn’t want to be me and I didn’t want to think that as it’s discrediting what God has made in making me. It was if I let my head have the key to the self esteem box, as if I let the pieces show. God was there, I heard him through my frustration. Who can affirm like God can? Oh but it would be nice to have an individual seek out who you are, to care appropriately. It wasn’t perhaps the wisest thing to dwell on such discouraging topics (hence its usually in the forbidden thinkings compartment). Yet I think you need to rip them out of the dangerous cupboard to deal with them – to let them be dealt with.

Fragile vs. Strong. How does it work? How do the two fit together – because they must.

The third. Jess was playing her Lifehouse single, ‘Fool’ came on. “I would be a fool for you.” I am a timid, turtle Christian sometimes. Why do I inwardly cringe or are uncomforatble when my Christian friends talk very Christianese around non/semi Christian friends. I should not have a hint of embarassment. I am ashamed that I do and this is what hurts most. I feel like such a fraud. Who is more important! God? Or the opinion of people – even people who I know will love me regardless.

We got home, some of the others were drinking. Not much really – just ‘for fun’. I was still confused and wrapped in my own head so I went and had a shower. Talked, cried to/at God. Water. Equate washing with forgiveness? Vastly ashamed at myself.

Maybe sometimes I beat myself up over things, there is I think an appropriate time for recogintion however.

There is also an appropriate time to ‘mask up’. The others didn’t need to know my headspace. So I got out of the shower ‘normal’.

Just before bed Jess D asked me if I was (as in previously) angry at her. I was glad to be able to truthfully say no. She left the conversation there and changed topic immediately which is not normal for Jess. She had, had quite a bit more than the others. I worry about her escapism tecniques sometimes.

Bed. I was not weighed down by earlier thoughts. If grace had arms I know where they would be.

Sunday morning. I left the house alonge to walk on the beach. I needed it. I surprisingly got very little thinking done. I relaxed infront of beautiful, not the beautiful man claims to have created in casting assests in dollars and pride. Beauty how is should be.

I spent the next hour or so in the lounge room that gets invaded brilliantly by the morning sun. Ate breakfast, good music and warmth. The others all woke up quite late. Blissful hours to enjoy.

Morning was good until it came to money. Discussion for petrol. I miseed the immediate, but got caught in the backlash of complaints. I really hate sometimes being the ‘there/patient(ha!)/compromise’ person when all they should do is ‘deal with it!’. Money is money. oh how my attitude to it has changed in the past few years.

Weekend concluded with lunch at La Porchettas on the way home. Attitudes much improved. I am glad I had Sunday or I would deem the whole business as a flop. Funny the journies God takes us on. So much can fit into such a short time.

2 Comments

  1. said:

    Bec, to resist over shareing…
    if i were a guy, i think i’d ‘dig’ you. (but im not, so dont fret).

    I admire you bec. your not always consumed with happiness, you often say whats going on, your very perceptive.
    perhaps i need to take a dose of that to talk to you about life stuff…

    (oh, btw.. nice word verification!)

    October 18, 2005
    Reply
  2. said:

    Ha!

    thanks sam 😛

    I think.

    October 18, 2005
    Reply

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