A Bell Under the Wheel (journal)


I am sad and I want to write, frustrated because my computer is being fifxed and typing is easier on your hands.

I think if you transported me back to the Middle Ages I woudl class very well as a flagellant.

This evening I got to email and find one from Peta about Lauren and hwo she had a baby boy on Wednesday. That baby is dead. Potters syndrome – no kidneys. I do not know Lauren or Ed very well and I haven’t kept up with Pete as much as I could’ve but I’m sitting in a smoky haze of disappointment and using horrible descriptions to describe it.

Just before dinner (I think, maybe it was after) Hannah tells me about something that does in a way directly concern one of my good friends. I am sad again for him and how that might make him hurt. Where does it leave me to help? Furthermore, I do not know if he knows yet and I’d rather not be the one to break the news.

And the flagellant reference? I consider eating food I hate and doing things I don’t like when I’m in a bad mood. A form of self punishment? Doing the dishes is a fanatstic compliment to a depressed mindset.

I am now officially a uni student! Enrollment was fairly painless. Took about an hour. It turns out I’m supposedly majoring in photography. I might change that yet. I’m trying to work out how I can get some writing in there as you either do it all online (which they don’t recommend for first years) or you have to take two subjects because of prerequisites. Writing and the Law doesn’t thrill me.

Jess and I went to see a movie after we were done at Deakin. Broken Flowers was the first. Very slow, art housey, utterly peculiar film wich I don’t think I would have liked had the ending been different. The ending however, left you hanging marvellously with no triump (clearly evident), no resolution. I found this smile creep into my mouth when the credits slid up. I will not go out of my way to see it again.

We then decided (as we had loads of time – and Jess gets movies free as she works at Village which mean I got in free also) on one more. The Family Stone, which was surprisingly quite good. Sarah Jessica Parker annoys me and I don’t think she’s pretty at all contray to certain character’s opinions – she’s got a horse face (so says Laura). The general idea of the movie was alright, it was quite funny and the romantic bit of a romantic comedy was not quite swallowed in tears of pink and white dog fur.

I read a book last night. All of it. The Blessing by Gary Smalley and John Trent. Not too bad. Not all of it was very applicable, but it did get me thinking.

The components of ‘The Blessing’ ie: meaningfully loving others, extended beyond teh words and time factor (surprise surprise) and there aws a large segment on meaningful touch.

I am in no way a huggy kind of person and how I shy away from touch highlights that further. According to somethign my Dad (?) said once, is that I used to fine and then one day I just changed my mind about the whole thing (Would’ve been around the 6-7 age) that is paraphrasing a lot but yes, Rebecca is not touch inclined.

Despite being overtly standoffish – although I have been worn down a lot these past few years there are increasingly frequent times when a touch (be it a hug or…) would be incredibally helpful, might assist in filling a part of me that is lacking.

I was reflecting on the touch thing in my family and how hugs etc. (particularly where most of us are concerned) are reserved for birthdays, goodbyes, hellos (after a significant time away), maybe Christmas or some achievement eg. finishing school.

Generally speaking, words (pardon the pun) are what I find more meaningful, but there is this funny void.

I can remember quite a few months ago Emily (?) came up and touched me on the shoulder for a more prolonged time than just a sibling whack. I think I started/double took – however you wish to say it.

The book was talking about touch as a meaningful method of communication. I do not know how I can impliment this into my family life – but as God you seem to be bringing up the challenge of getting/letting myself closer to some of the lately maybe you’ve got something in mind. Some ideas/cirucmstances taht will help me to get more used to the fact that you want me to forget about comfortable and actually go out of my way to change a few things.

I remember what Miss Kirsty (see Critical Incidents timeline) and that ‘talking to’ did to me. How I had to hug my little sister more. A way of respecting, loving her as my attitude was so screwy and bossy. She shocked me in to doign something with her wise, timely, shameing, caring words. I cannot forget that.

The meaningful touch thing goes further though. What about friends? Sure some are perfectly okay to hug or whatever. But for instance, male friends by whom you do not want to give the wrong impression or are simply not comfortable about it (the not comfortable often goes for me as well).

How can you bring meaningful touch into a strictly friendship relationship to I guess, improve and in a sense meet that person beyond just works, a look, a smile, your time?

Some people throw no walls up about this but I know people who do when it comes to touch because I am one of them.

We thrive off being loved and loving. Why limit ourselves to soley with what is only comfortable if that is not loving them in the most complete way possible.

How important is it really anyway?

One Comment

  1. said:

    i never used to be in any way shape or form physical touchish…

    well, i was when i was a child, but from the age of 10-> i wasnt. only with my mum.

    but i want to be. i have been more open to it. oh, how i want to, long to be more comfortable with physical touch. to hug someone i just met. to hold hands walking down the street. these are the things i long for, but am too afraid to initiate.

    but thats more with guys that im talking about. and maybe right now thats a good thing.

    hugs, on the otherhand, are brilliant things.

    anyway. that was so a tangent of what i was going to say, but ive forgotten what that was. oh well.

    i love you bec, and i quite happily hug you. 🙂

    January 27, 2006

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