The question finally voiced itself in my mind. It’s been playing with my subconcious for some time now, I hadn’t really realised it. This post (if it even turns out to be that) could possibly come across as arrogant, far too self-assured although I hope I can convey it simply that I’ve hit a block. Or something. Maybe I hit it a while back and am finally brave enough to recognise its existence. Brave, or stupid or simply afraid now it has formulated in to some kind of half fathomable idea.
I am perfectly happy with who I am. I understand (if you can say that) that God loves me. I don’t think I know it all completely, we probably can’t know it completely. I can live in being satisfied, assured in it though, I remember it frequently, and I believe it. But,
It’s a slightly terrifying thing when you feel somehow that, that’s it. You can’t know more, because you can’t comprehend more. It sounds extremely like I have everything together. I don’t have it all together. I doubt I have half the ‘God stuff’ worked out, but it’s as if, here I am, and where to next?
I was outside and looking up. Such a typical, “There’s got to be more” situation – put a few stars in a clear velvet sky and there you have it the perfect cliché. I know I haven’t got God figured out. I’ve been pushed and pushed by myself and by classes and by a willingness to work it out and there’s always been more to discover. I don’t know what that more is at the moment. Or I’m too afraid to go there.
I know God is infinite, uncomprehendible and although we can ‘aprehend’ him (thanks Peter Downes for that phrase) we can’t understand him all so I can’t possibly have it worked out.
The whole ‘supernatural’ really freaks me out. I like to understand what is going on and why. I prefer my intellect over my emotions. I like at least control physically or control in some way of what I’m doing, feeling. I take assurance in the fact that God isn’t going to do anything against my will in that way. We have choice. Yes he could override that anytime. Maybe part of me hates that or to be honest really loves that. It’s like letting me still have some kind of authority over me and what happens. It’s safe.
I don’t think God is safe. Not in the way we’d like him to be.
It’s not a happy fluffy world. I think there is so much more to God that I don’t understand. Maybe that’s what this is about. I’m not scared that I have come to my limit, but I can’t forsee the more, the ‘what’s next’ and I like being able to see that. I like knowing.
Ahh. I go to open Bible Gateway to look for a verse and the verse of the day on the front page has been stuck there for me yet again:
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. ”- Isaiah 55:8-9
You’re keeping an eye on me.
I look for that verse I learnt some Sunday school, reinforced because I remember that old song, “How deep the Father’s love for us, how vast beyond all measure…”
I only recall the start; this is the full – the finished paragraph:
“I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” – Ephesians 3:16-19
Love surpasses knowledge. I didn’t remember that part. I don’t know what God’s love is, not it in it’s completeness. I like to think I know it all, I know enough. I have hit a human level of incomprehension and basically God if there’s more and there has to be; I need inroads because I haven’t a clue of where to go.
I know you are God, but I don’t really know who you are. You have been safe too long and I’m rather scared to let that change.