Jan ’05

I wish my world was paper thin, made of smells and beautiful even painful memories that I could revisit.

God, I miss it so much, I miss what used to be. I miss my friends.

Change is such a beautiful, terrible thing. It presents promise and the unknown and reflects the past. How does change differ from growth? Are both the inevitable, do both hurt?
Why is change so desired and so hated?
How does change both crush you and build you?
Why is the template of our lives seeped in this mysterious happening, is it wanted, is it needed Lord?
Why does change bring both hope and grief? How can we look back and be grateful for who we are now and at the same time look at now and wish we were back there?

A question: can we travel life’s journey without change affecting us so strongly? Do things have to change so we can grow? Why when the past is left behind you does it slip it’s fingers back through cracks in your vulnerability? Why aren’t we satisfied with stability nor appreciative of the disruptions.

Help me to live God.

…. Is change a process of regression when acknowledged?

It’s hard being an MK (missionary kid). Those times when you come home from being out at someone’s place with whom you grew up with. Lonely. You wish you could walk back through thoses memories and savor them – relive them – escape back to the innocence, the simpleness of that life before. It’s like you have lost something very wonderful.

Others envy you for your interesting life, “All your experiences have bought you so close to God…” and you’re like, No! ha! I’d give anything just to be ‘normal’. How hard it is to leave.
But then you know deep down that you’d never want anything else, never. What I wouldn’t give to be back there again. Doing everything and savoring it that one bit more.

Purely want to remember this one because it shows me just how patient God is in getting through to us and walking alongside us, willing us to understand….

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You really don’t know me that well

I know, but you know me, isn’t that enough?

Why dont’ you take a little time, show me your day, spend a few hours, more would be better, but for now…

I’ll get interuppted, sidetracked.

I know. But you’ll like it, being with me. We’ll take some risks?

I’ll take some risks?

Not by yourself, with me.

Why?

To let you know who I am.

But you know me, isn’t that enough?

No. Friendship works two ways. If you know me, it will be better. I can hold you up because I know you better than you know you.

Then why should I let you? Why do I need too?

Because I care. If you know me just a little more… because friendship works both ways.

What I gained through drawing, I lost to music and books – now writing, thoughts, words, song, gush, music, praer and yes, books still. My refuges from teh stress of life. Perhaps that’s why I don’t draw anymore, maybe that’s what we use our talents/hobbies for? De-stressing.
A time, a moment to forget that you’re fed up with whatever, whoever – a place of escape… a pity we don’t focus on the prayer, talk to God, chat to God aspect of it more.

You aren’t going to resolve anything any way if you just shut out hte world for a little while. Pushing the problem to one side doesn’t work, eventually you have to return to reality. Prayer is the best – focus on God, then the problem/issue. God is good!

I got incredibly excited today.

I’ve been writing an essay on ‘My 5 Principles of Living’ and it’s forced me to go back and explore some of the things I value, some of the lessons I’ve learnt. I am finally begining to see and utilize some of my percieved weaknesses as strengths.
2 Corinthians 8:12 – “For if the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what he does not have.”
I will post it when it is written.

Anyway, this led me to go back and find some of my random scribblings from mid 2004, early 2005. I was just blown away at what stuff I put down, what I struggled with then and how I expressed it. A few in particular stood out to me, and for the matter of exploring where I’ve come from I’ll put some up here, under: Archived 🙂 and their respective titles.