For One (unabridged by choice)

To be utterly honest. Ah God. Bloody pride. Oh it’s nice to write those words. I think them, don’t say them, now written. See world see. And who cares. I see this, you see this and you know what’s going on in my head anyway. Any of those who have blog link read at my discretion. I write what I want up there. They see what I allow. I’m frustrated.

Stupid church crap. I don’t want to go tomorrow. Read the letter. Not much I hadn’t already picked up.

Proud of dad, that he refused to read what was written about Geoff. And I suck. Because standing in the kitchen all I wanted was to hug him and I didn’t because I don’t.
…hearing him say “I just want to laugh for awhile.” and going to sit infront of stupid funniest home videos.

OK so maybe the stress carries across. Maybe because I’ve got stacks of stuff due and no time. Because I’m at a point where i don’t know what to do about church…. I never signed that membership agreement. Yes that was intentional. Did I know that vague dissatisfaction then? When. To move. I want to move. Even if it wasn’t having all the problems.

And there I was, so cool, calm and collected in my mind. thinking. no. The ‘disatisfaction with your church’ wouldn’t happen to me. YITS thing. They say it happens. and I standing above reason with external eyes. Decided no. Knowing all along that this started long before this year.

God. You know what I need. Time, some miraculous resolution. The ability to not mentally go crazy. A reliance on you.
I hate disunity. How can there not be people to blame. Why wont the world grow up and know you. Care. Work to a common goal. Live for one. That one not being themselves, or a disillustioned worthwhile other. Can’t people stop trying to play heroes and let you be God. There is one faith, one hope, one baptism, one God and Father of all. Pull the plug on people’s shallow mindedness. Take my frustration. Can I call on you as Judge, Father, God? Let me ask for mercy too, because I am no more blameless than any other.

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