And it takes so much to drop me to my knees (unabridged)

To do things a little differently, I’m not where I usually sit. I shoved the computer out of the way. Am at the desk. I don’t know if there was anything facinating about today. The most interesting the train got was the squally toddler which was more frustrating than anything.

I spent the day tackling Mambo (open source) yet again, the hideous CMS which would be quite good if it was easy to set up. The upgrade took almost half a day due to FTP scrounging, permissions problems (why can’t they all auto 777?) and numerous database hissy fits. (and I hate that saying, why did I just write it?) Anyway, despite getting close to hurting something, it was an interesting challenge and I am about 50x closer to ‘getting’ stuff.
Code annoys me. I know just enough to bluff my way around, and get helpful friends to ‘save’ me when I get stuck. Snooky’s a great help too. The RO site is finally beyond an ‘under construction’ site, not very far, but yeah. Hooray for those who keep me sane by a random hello. I like my work but I am glad it’s only oen day this week. Early mornings are painful. That saying, I managed to last on two cups of tea before I had to hit the coffee about 4:00. Maybe I shouldn’t stay up so late.

Closer to the heart of God.
I don’t know where to start on this God, which is probably actually the point. To let you do the work. Help me to sit back Abba and watch and enjoy you.

I told Laura about Monica today. She didn’t know. We were shopping. Oddly reminiscent of when I told mum. I think she was pretty shocked. I’ve had almost what, 8 months to supposedly ‘deal’ with it. I was looking for a present for her. It was strange. In reality I hardly know this girl. I don’t know what I think about it all really. The guy is under constant supervision (prison I think) and will get 30years or more. Mon and N weren’t the only ones who had stuff happen. I can’t understand. I hope never to be able to. What’s life going to look like for them now? I sit here my 19 year old somewhat alone self and the responsibilities I imagine as huge – maybe I exaggerate… but I have enough trouble trying to deal with myself let alone another human being. I can feel both ready and very unready for (a) relationship/s – and she’s been chucked into motherhood at 18.

Our experiences shape us – others seem to have just as large a part.

Where am I now in comparison to where I was a year ago? The photos show outward change, not where it’s been drastic. How I react has changed. How I think has changed. How I see God has changed. How I see myself has changed.
This is good.
But this is also hard.
Worth every moment.

Psalm 26.

“And you can rest with me a while, you can talk to me, never mind how long it has been because you’ll figure it out, all it takes is time to find what you’re about.” J. Pacquette

how true is that?

In reality I find it very difficult to spend time talking to Monica. I know she needs the friendship, but I struggle every time. I hate talking to her sometimes. I dont’ know really why I was among or was the first to know. Why the ‘plight of a stranger’ even concerns me.

One Comment

  1. said:

    “I dont’ know really why I was among or was the first to know. Why the ‘plight of a stranger’ even concerns me.”

    Because you care. This is not a bad thing.

    August 5, 2005

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