I was sitting in front of the same old screen last night. I got so far as to open Blogger and then decided that, no it wouldn’t be the best idea. I was and am still entirely at a loss of what to say and how to describe finishing (YITS).

I surprised myself that there was no real crying and surprised myself further again that there was no huge feeling of loss. I cracked fractionally and felt as if I’d swallowed a pingpong ball when Kat was hugging me, bawling in my face and loving me with words. I had a strange response to Wednesday night, where I felt as if anyone dare to so touch me, or hug me or even maybe talk to me that I’d choke on over-sentimentality. It carried through to when I wandered up to the eating hall around 3:30am by myself to see if there was anyone I could be a silent companion with and if not, somewhere I could find space. It came through even to the following morning, where I flat refused Jess C and others ‘morning hugs’ with a, “No way, not in the mood” and ate cereal and drank tea without hardly a word to anyone

The camp was relatively unstructured with ‘Affirmation’ sessions. Three for our large group. We sat circular reminiscient of the Wednesday of mid-year camp and the person whose name was drawn from the tub was sat in the middle. I am still slightly unsure now as to what I think of the whole process. It was nice. It was quite moving with certain people, particularly those who had someone deeply impact their year. I had the last session and I’m pleased I had partial darkness (evening) as I sometimes find it a bit disconcerting looking people in the eye when they are saying something nice. It was okay. I didn’t feel elated or in a ‘bubble of niceness’ or however Jane explained it. I got Tom to scribe the lot for me as I would entirely forget otherwise, I’d rather look back on something later with some kind of memory aid and get more out of it than during the actual moment. The people I expected to talk did, which was good but well, expected. I found Mark probably the most encouraging as he is outside my immediate sphere of closer friends. The more external perspective was welcome. I let him know yesterday.

Tuesday. I went for a walk to the cliffs (the camp was at Anglesea) with a group of the girls and Matt. I walked with Clare on the way, I haven’t spent a whole lot of time with her this year it was definitely worthwhile finding out a bit more about where she is headed. She’s at Tabor next year so I dare say I’ll see her around if I drop by. Talked with Jane on the way back, someone who I should have spent more time with, she took the ‘preaffirmation’ thing to heart and said something to me before the night which was, I think far more valuable.

Dave and I pretty much annoyed eachother (good naturedly) most of camp. Spent a good hour or so with Jane, Dave and the others that joined us later (Rowan, Tracey, Michael, Dawn?) on the couch one evening talking everything from ‘hookups’ (none) and past YITS years, what could have been discussed but wasn’t, general relationships and other such things.

Wednesday morning, Lena (Ocean Grove facilliator) talked about God’s glory and pushed us out of the room to go and think about this year about being thankful and about where we are going to take things.

It forced me to go and talk intentionally with God. I’ve felt very removed from God for the past week or so and those times that I’ve tried, haven’t been very engaging. I took myself through where God has been throughout my year month by month. I came to how I was going to move on and reflecting on how through January to November I’ve asked God to show me the small ways (the ‘little things’) in how he is working. Wednesday night hit me like the flat of a hand when the majority of people’s ‘compliments/affirmation’ were around the little things I’d done for them this year. I didn’t realise it until I was thinking through it later. I am absolutely astounded sometimes at how God works.

Wednesday afternoon was spent at the beach. Much fun. Covered in sand from digging a massive hole. I went so far as waist deep into the water and no more as it was fairly cold. After we came back I sat and made Jessmyn play (piano) for me, not that she minded. Beautiful, manual jaw closing talent.

So, Wednesday night again. I sat for a long time in front of the fire listening to other people’s conversations and Laura and Tilla playing guitar and singing. Sad songs, ballardy songs they allowed me to simply not think and just listen.

Moving on? I made peace with God about it being the right time for this. Which might be why any sense of loss has been vastly lessened. Things have to end. This had to end, but will continue through the 39×10 different fingerprints left on my life.

I am a far richer person from having known them.
I am a far humbler person from having loved them.
I am a far more thankful person for having to listen to them.
I am indebted to how God has used them.

General Life YITS

Just about to head off to bed. It’s before 1am!!!!

No, I have camp tomorrow until Thursday and shall not I think, be getting much sleep.
So this is to let you know I haven’t died, mind you half the people who read this will be seeing me in person anyway.

Gush meeting today.

Train in, I looked out the window just past Croydon. I see this crash scene, guy sprawled on the ground and motorbike. I think he was moving, not really sure. Very messy, glass everywhere. Bad as that was, there was some intense road rage happening about two metres from him. Two guys wrestling/punching and generally fighting eachother, one had a motorbike helmet on there were two vehichles stopped nearby. This was happening all on a rather busy road, cars stopped around the edges. So that disturbed me for a little while.

The meeting however was really good. I met John at Macca’s, recognised him straight away (seeing as he was sitting near the window). Got some lunch, Jas called about 5mins later to see if I’d met him. Found our tram. Found the cafe. And many random gush details I wont disclose. Dylan was a waiter (have met him a couple of times before). So Prowdy, Tij, Paul, John, Burkies and myself there. Was good. Killed time after with Paul and John, getting icecream/iced coffee and walking down nearish the Yarra. Caught the train at 5:50pm.

Had one of those people you think are watching you but aren’t sure, due to sunglasses (ARGH!). I didn’t have a book with me, so just music and zoned out/thought pretty much the whole way home.

Now. Bed before it actually reaches 1am.

More in four days or so. Prayer would be good, really good actually. There will be interesting things playing with my and pretty much everyone’s heads re: leaving and finishing up. Sadness and that.

Proof:
shaddow
see ^ I’m there.

General Ministry On The Train

Some YITS photos I got from Jess C,

yits formal group
myself, Laura, Dawn, Iain, Tracey, Jess, Natalie

yits group
Amey, Michael, Me, Jo, Katie, Rachel

General YITS

And so my sister begins her career. A nightime trip into the William Anglis to watch her first birth.

I marvel yet again at the contrast of our lives.

One womb. Similar life experience and yet here we are. She with a career relatively fixed, a relationship with a man she loves which will no doubt progress into marriage and then babies and then grandchildren. And me. No I’m not jealous. I am fractionally confused. I have no career path, I have no relationship, and I have no idea really where my life is going.

I don’t know what I’ll do with myself beyond uni. I don’t know if this is even where my real ability lies. I cannot however hard I try, see myself in a nine-to-five job as I cannot see what kind of job that would be.

What is with being the one who likes having goals, being planned? And having no footing there whatsoever.

Trust. How can you do good in the world if you can’t find a need that you can meet? If you are waiting for one to fall into your lap because you don’t know any other way.

I am not concerned about the future. I am concerned about the now. What am I doing with my life right now? What moments do we waste sitting around waiting for tomorrow?

General Life Uni

I was doing the dishes last night when I suddenly realised I had said I was going to Jess D’s for movie/pizza with some of the girls from school. Double checked the time to get there: 6:30, it was already past that. So I called her and came late.

I enjoyed myself this time. It was Jess D, Jacqui, Ana, Natalie (!) and myself. Had a good chat with Jess on the way home. I asked the ‘Where are things with you and God’ question. Improved, but kind of status quo. Prayer for her would be good as she has no real desire or can’t find any ‘need’ for God at the moment, “Feels like too much effort”. And for me too, as I plan to catch up with her a fair bit more once camp is over and all that.

Today I slept until 11ish. I was intending to do some nano’ing but didn’t. I didn’t do much at all really. Gushed a bit, msn’ed. Made some lunch, walked the dog. Very low key – I should have read some more of the Potato Factory (Bryce Courtney), I might do that tonight.

So no great philisophical comments or even thoughts from me today.

Have a gush meeting tomorrow. I get to meet John for the first time, shall be good. Have to get the train and sit out the long haul into Ascot Vale. Hope things will go well. I should really start ignoring the introvert inside me and at least talk a bit more.

General Life