A couple of things recently have led me to realise just what mess I’ve make when it comes to friendships. I was talking about friendships Saturday and made mention of the fact that Laura and I have always seemed to approach the friend thing very differently – I’m not saying if either is better because simply I don’t know. I don’t think you can differentiate that. I do not know exactly why that I have always been the ‘many friends’ kind of person as opposed to specifically investing my time into one or two others. Yes I still have ‘closer friends’ and those that well, just aren’t as close.

This evening I was reading Friendlationships (which is pretty much book about relationships of ‘that’ kind – a book I’ve had my eye on for a very long time and finally got) and it was talking about how a big part of love (this is me paraphrasing) is about investing in a person. It makes perfect and beautiful sense – and I’ve heard it before…

I was doing the dishes after effectively reading the book in one hit. I started thinking about a hesitation that I’ve had recently, a murky waters – I’ve tried discussing/decoding this with one or two of you but haven’t really come across any clear way forward.

A ‘good’ friend of mine from school recently let me know that she was moving up to Canberra. Along with my thoughts around ‘Friendlationships’, I started thinking about how I reacted to her news. I got her ‘general’ message first. I did not reply. I have known it was going to happen sooner or later – we’ve talked about it. She came to drop in a few days later. I was very able to be excited for her (because it’s something that will be good for her and something she really wants). I don’t know how to justify it, moreso I shouldn’t be trying to, but I am so entirely used to people having to leave to move on, that I don’t let myself feel much about that kind of stuff any more. I don’t think I let on very much or even felt much sadness at her news. “Yes, people have to leave and so be it”, how much does that show I care? The thing is, I do.

So along with the dirty dishes and all those other things, I asked myself the questions I usually avoid, although I don’t know why. Why don’t I bother? I treat friendships with such a loose hand it’s scary. I rarely initiate doing anything with someone (and considering I think my top love language is probably quality time) thats – not real good. I enjoy, I value the times I do spend with friends but I don’t go out of my way for them. How do I invest in my friends? Maybe I do because I like giving advice; I like being able to smooth things out. At the same time I still get frustrated with, needy friends. Oh, I do love them, but I don’t think I’m very good at it at all. I don’t think I value them half as much as I should.

I owe J and several others of those supposedly ‘close’ friends such a massive appology. I should have (and should) put more effort into these relationships. Especially hers. I should’ve allowed for more time, for more openness, for more give, for more take and less of just the, ‘enjoyable to be around you and have a good conversation now and then’. I should be letting me miss them like crazy even before they go (and I’m doing that for her now, but I think too much is simply regret). Ironic in that how the ‘challengings’ are some of the things that I value so much. Is there always that underlying ‘self’ thing? Where am I here?

There’s a small part of me saying I am inadequate to invest in others because I do such a poor job of it… no, that’s wrong. I am good at starting the investing, I am almost too good at the short term – but when it comes to the longer why do I fail miserably? Is something there that’s a blocker in pushing forward – I know what’s right. I know I’d love to do things right (or at least better) it could just be the ever lingering pride thing or it could be something else. Or both.

It is both encouraging and quite sad for me to discover this; it puts a heck of a lot of other stuff in to perspective. Strangely I can start feeling my way through that ‘murky’ area.

So much of love is around choice. How much am I willing to invest in someone? More the fact, how willing am I to find out just how to invest in them so I can do that?

I would like to know why things are the way they are.

Someone recently said quite simply proposed that, “Maybe you’re afraid of commitment”. Commitment is something that in theory and in practice I value immensely. It’s something I want and would do SO much for. Maybe I am afraid? It’s pathetic but perhaps in some ways not totally unreasonable to be afraid of something that you esteem.

But.

I know at least in one maybe two cases (horrible term to use: friendships) in my life what it is to love someone when it’s beyond the ‘yeh I like this person for who they are’ – I am talking about the choice of loving them when they are frustrating you beyond belief. When you have to conciously decide that you’ll do the best for them. I don’t know if it’s a very common thing in my life but it’s so… liberating in a way. Wonderful.

So why should commitment to most friends be such a thing I walk into the dirt? I love them but I dont’ love them well.

Is it because I’m so used to having no choice in having to let people go?
Maybe.

Frustrating. Enlightening.

This sounds an awful lot like I’m stealing from Geoff – but I had just read his thoughts on a Leunig phrase and I had gone hunting for the actual quote and managed to find this in the process. Here is a short segment from an interview with Archbishop Rowan Williams.

RW: …Most of our activities these days have in common a deep impatience. We need to be aware that some things cannot be done impatiently. There are certain aspects, even of the most apparently functional economic life, that you can’t do without taking time. I mean the exercises of life together, the exercises of patience, the exercises of the time taken to listen to someone else’s humanity, whether it’s locally or globally.

ML: Yes, that is endangered perhaps, because it seems to me that speed is revered. And the problem is that certain human things cannot happen at speed. Can you love at speed, can love flourish at speed? That sounds glib, but the dreadful worry for me is that we tend to copy unconsciously our technologies. I think, for example, we imitate the way movies are edited. This cutting and close-up quick grab, this strange traumatic discontinuity, which we accept as normal, and we enjoy it because of its speed and its traumatising stimulus. And there we sit and expose our eyes, the windows of the soul, to this bizarre chopping up of reality. Now we say we can handle this, but I think one thing that’s doing us great damage is this visual cacophony as a depiction of reality. The eye makes great meaning out of life, much more than we understand. It tracks this room as it looks around: as one point leads to the next point, there is sense being made all the time.

And that made me think.
Slow down.

Hey Hey, which super hero are you?
I’ve never even seen spiderman….
(It’s the man bit on the end that worries me)

You are Spider-Man
You are intelligent, witty,
a bit geeky and have great
power and responsibility.

Spider-Man 70%
Superman 70%
Supergirl 68%
Green Lantern 65%
Wonder Woman 63%
Hulk 55%
Robin 45%
Iron Man 45%
The Flash 45%
Catwoman 35%
Batman 35%

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz

Cerebration: the act or product of thinking.

I like this one!
I mean really – what’s a product of thinking? A thought perhaps?

Use it in a sentence? Well I don’t know if I know it well enough to, but here’s one they gave:

Celebration of cerebration is not what the public wants. Indeed, the opposite is probably true. We are suspicious of excessive smartness.
— David R. Slavitt, “You Can Go Holmes Again”, New York Times, October 17, 1993

So, if you are suspicious of excessive smartness… you should stop celebrating the cerebration in which case you should’ve stopped reading this a few lines ago (not saying I’m leaking excessive smartness onto a blogger page or anything) but if you start using words like this you should already know you’re in way over your depth.

The pantry has been restocked with some chai teabags (by far the most convienient way of making it) it’s a welcome change from the plain old plain stuff or even the miraculous workings of an instant coffee.

So behind the screen of this ever faithful computer (we’ll forget the time the stupid thing died) and with a very good chai – I’m about to get another. I am talking psycho-analysis with a near stranger, well not quite and it’s procuring some interesting/insightful results.

Moved into discussing facial psychology… facinating. I’ve been told I can shave my head and get away with it (oh yes facial structure or something weird) No I don’t want to do this. And some weird association of me with Natalie Portman which made me roar with laughter (in my head) – I know at least someone will get that reference. Suitable psydonymn afterall… of all things 😛

Monday is looming as this horror day/night for homework but I figure as it is still just Saturday I wont worry about it just yet. I did spend the morning on homework, I managed to produce some stuff for our group assignment but I was fairly uninspired.

I had to pick Laura up from work – Mum told me she finished by 2pm, I got there by about 2:30 and she let me know that she was working until 3pm. As the lovely twinage works at a fairly interesting store I had a look around. I’ve been meaning to get myself a decent sleeping-bag but as they have a big winter sale next week I decided to delay. Those on sale (I’d like one at least -5) were all XL… and well I’m no giant so I think the extra space – however nice would be only convienient for letting more cold air in. So I go over to where she is working in the shoes… very bad move. I’ve been after some shoes for a while now. I walk really heavily or something and so I have minimal options when it comes to getting runners (which being the boring, I pretend I don’t care too much about fashion person that I am, means runners get a lot of use). So that leaves me with roughly two options of ‘wear lots shoes’ – simply they have to have a really decent sole. Skate shoes, or proper hiking or there abouts shoes, or spend $300 on something which goes against the stingy dutchness.

I caved and ended up spending $100 on a pair I found and liked. Maybe not the worlds most fashionable, but they’re comfortable and neutralish and should (better) last. Laura got me a discount anyway! I didn’t get a sleeping bag.

Had afternoon tea with a male friend, which I deliniate thus because I was expecting certain members of my family to make stupid annoying comments – as they have in the past when I have done things with male friends. It would be nice if they could see past the whole ‘male’ factor and find friend there. Anyway I was pleasantly surprised that they didn’t. I had a good time regardless. The whole ‘family thing’ gets on my nerves A LOT when it ever happens to come up. Certain people (coughmumcough) can be silly about things.

And I should really go to bed…