Bit hesitant to call this ‘the love post’ becuase by now 93.5% of you will have jumped to the wrong conclusion – having just posted a photo of Geoff and having spent rather a lot of time with him this weekend.

Sorry to pop your bubble, but this isn’t going to be full of sentimental jargon – which is something that so rarely comes from my mouth it probably wont be any real surprise.

This is a little about what God’s been shoving in my face. Some of it does involve Geoff but only in the fact that, as Sharon Payze (old teacher) said to me on the phone the other day, “Having someone new around really does make you understand a heap of stuff about yourself and about God” (NB: she was talking about her new baby, and it was just because she was after Laura that I talked to her in the first place, but I’m glad it happened).

So. My thoughts were all pretty screwed up last night in regards to God and his love and other people’s love and I guess just feeling pretty, ‘so not worth it’ and my head pretty startlingly clear about how I guess I find it quite hard to recieve love sometimes or even return it appropriately. Which leads to a whole ‘guilt’ thing about it not being fair to the person/God on the other end of the deal.

Yes. It makes a lot of sense. Love. Yes. I have thought about it. Yes. I know exactly that we can’t ever earn or don’t deserve God’s love. BUT it’s something that can wreak havok with my head at times. I can know know know with the grey matter but be really clueless about what’s genuninely going on.

I went to bed feeling decidedly shocking even after such a brilliant day. I contemplated at various points skipping church in the morning and just going off on my own somewhere. I didn’t in the end – mostly because I had to get Em and Han down there.

A huge thank you to Di for her sermon this morning. It hit the mark like nothing else.

She preached on the grapevine passage in John 15. To be honest I can’t exactly pinpoint what it specifically was, but that coupled with some of the prophesies this morning, sank in pretty deep.

There was also her curious story about being in the line at the shops and the guy infront not being able to use his card properly and how she responded – I had an almost replica exprience this week when I was buying petrol. I took the soft option and regret that I did almost immediately. It certainly made me pay attention to what she was saying.

It was as if I needed last night’s shaking up to make things tangible. A lot of it was/is about relationships between other people and myself and I am by far the better for having that argument or point where I just got overwhelmingly frustrated about where things were really at.

I find it exceptionally hard to make concrete a lot of what goes on in my head. It’s been a far messier, ‘reach that point’ and I guess a different way of hearing something pretty distinct about myself from God. Not a heap of, ‘hold it in my hands’ words or thoughts. Something that’s peaked and climaxed and crept up on me without me really noticing it. Something that’s been highlighted through circumstance and experience.

I’m not sure if I like doing things this way. It hurts more becuase it’s a lot more confrontational, but then I’m not sure if it’s something you could really get a grasp on if it all came through my head – because it has before and obviously never quite got there.

Still travelling. Still in that funny old canoe (see previous post). No paddle whatsoever, just drifting along with the current and hitting a few rapids.

Ha! Okay, maybe I should leave off the corny metaphors.

To use another post to point out a ‘good read’,

this post over on Carolyn McCulley’s blog, Priorities and Decisions: Human Beings or Doings is worth some thought. I know my life has been feeling pretty insane due to ‘not enough time’ lately.

Some of my struggle with time is knowing what I want to be doing and what I have to do (like uni) and opting for doing what I’d rather be doing (because in a sense I can argue that it’s more important to who I am) and still not ever fully getting the worth out of the half hearted effort I put there – probably due to the fact that I’ve got all these other ‘tasks’ weighing over my head.

Or I start doing stupid things like pushing sleep further and further back, just so I can finish everything.

Unfortuantely although Beth and I have discussed the possibility of a 28hr day – it’s not going to work.

It’s easy to talk to God and get caught up in blah’ing out our busy lives to him or to others and not really make the effort to listen properly.

Someone on Wednesday night – I think Evie might’ve said that, perhaps we are really a lazy society. We work 5 days, we rest 2 days – regardless of religion (I am generalising of course). We were discussing the Sabbath principle – there doesn’t feel like a whole lot of time for any of that really. I fill my ‘days off’ with far, far too much.

Little things are starting to get to me, like the fact I haven’t sat down and really read/finished anything for almost a month.

On that fine note – I have another assignment due Wednesday. A big one. I’m trying to work out when I’m going to have the time. I skipped my one lecture again today so I could get some ebaying done, in hope to clear some more time for homework, but other things have come up and I’m still where I should’ve been at 11:00 this morning.