Author: <span>Rebecca Matheson</span>

Published June 15, 2005 by

Alternative (unabridged)

Tuesday morning. The only one at home. Sitting in the corner of the lounge with coffee, Bible, journal. Favourite place – or becoming so. Its windy outside which makes the shaddows from the light coming through the windows more interesting. Have to write Personal Creed today, but that can wait.

I can choose my response to today. I’d rather it be less of a mess than the past few. Brining stuff back to God last night will have a large part in that response. I could distance myself from what’s going on, let myself think continually through it or let it sit knowing God is in complete control – the better option.

To go from here. Frustrated I vent frustrations on a few. Unfair not to listen first. I can’t change that (past), but a mental note for next time. I’m sorry I do that.

Can tell a little about God talk in some ways, when problems seem too much we take the first step of getting angry, pouring out dissatisfactions and fears and forgetting to stop. Get so caught up that we forget to listen when maybe that’s some of what we should be doing first. Not to say don’t bring it all to God. Raw emotion, exact problems, honesty of your situation. God wants to hear that. Just not taking the time to stop and be still.
Words, be they said, thought, written are less important coming from you than from another. God knows it all anyway.

What would it be like to approach a problem in reverse? I wonder if that’s part of what happens when it is too hard to pray when you are forced to either (completely ignore God) or to read something. A Psalm, whatever.
I don’t know how true or how clearly I’d prescribe to doing it differently. Worth thinking about though, that and having the presence of mind in that kind of situation.

Thankyou God for knowing me.
Help me to lsiten to you and to others first.
Keep honesty in place.
Let me put you first in everything – including problems.

————

Church stuff…. conversation with mum about more stuff.

Meeting on Saturday will be going ahead, Vote if kicking the Roe’s out was the right move. Yes I should go. Blah.
I will vote YES and dont mind saying it, it wont change.

Whatever the outcome, Dad, Mark, Geoff all resigning from leadership. Some staying so leadership isn’t crawled over with the wrong people… much being handed over to another Bretho guy.
We will be leaving WPC.
I had already made that descision.
Looks like some church hunting will be happening – as much as I hate the ‘church shop’ slogan, I guess I need to find somewhere that will work (both in getting there and fiting in).
🙂 mum saying stuff about that ^ freedom to choose is nice. I dont have to go same place as them – wouldn’t anyway unless I chose to. Intentionally getting annoyed and going out of my way to assert myself infront of her my have stuff to do with it.

So yes, changes ahead.
Prayer would be good.

Christianity Church General

Published June 12, 2005 by

Yesterday

put in blog 13/6/05, written 12/6/05

A pity that a lot of this weekend’s conversations have come back to church and the multiple issues associated with that. A fantastic day nonetheless but I had to shove what I heard this morning aside and have left it until now to consider it further.

Gut reaction. I have heard far more than I wanted to hear. Know possibly what I shouldn’t and am not entirely or at all glad to know it. Breakfast. Got talking to Long Van. It is curious when you are faced with a slightly different facet of the WPC story. An angle you aren’t entirely agreed upon, yet have to hear out. So she isn’t entirely satisfied with Geoff. Not quite up to ‘Keith’ standards. I think that is expecting too much. Not everyone is gifted with ‘pastoral care’. Pastors can operated effectively without a strong passion in that arena. Her concern was for the elderly people ‘that he hasn’t fully accommodated for them’. There may well be some aspects. Pleased she isn’t outright attacking him lets me question where Mark stands on this wants me to have a fuller picture of what dad thinks. No doubt, Geoff is a quality guy.

My disquiet is not with that, instead far more on that she gave me the undisclosed information that Age has resigned (now disclosed/public). More than that, that she mentioned something about ….(removed)… Angry. She shouldn’t be talking about that. I don’t want to hear that, that is their business. She should know better, (removed). Unfortunate, but my respect for Long Van dropped a fair bit. You could pin the word ‘malicious gossip’ on it, which might be naming it a little harshly, maybe not. I was not impressed.

Ah God. Why is it so hard, it hurts to hear this stuff. They’re calling a church meeting. That was the ‘last resort’ a week ago. Invite chaos to take reign. I don’t want to be there.

Today. Aside from all the issues I managed to sideline. Conference session/s were interesting, a lot around the budget, pushing things forward.

The most interesting thing has been observing people, their relationships with their spouse/partner and their kids. I really do work with some amazing people.

I find Prableen and Harpreet an interesting couple. Time to observe an arranged marriage in it’s early throws. She can’t be more than a few years older than me. 22 maybe. What would it be like? Oh I wouldn’t want it. Prableen, I don’t know what to think. She looked lonely at one point; she obviously loves, or is ‘learning’ to love him… I guess you see her looking for response, which doesn’t always come.

Jo and Hugh. They have such fun. Rachel and Phil. How I like seeing how that works. Rach is alive. Paul and Ange, how he left an apple (just secretly) at her spot on the table… she ate it completely unaware. Ian and Anne, her words make up for his silence. (:) Ian’s great)

Can’t say this hasn’t had me thinking about relationships. Because it has. Bad move in some ways, lonely. Well God. Interesting how the desire for a ‘one’ gets stronger, beyond just the factor of having a relationship. I guess I haven’t had much of an opportunity to watch young families interact (not since I was too young to care), interesting what you can glean from a bystander perspective.

Team sports. Finally the ‘Round Robin’ came about effectively. Great fun! Green team. Scavenger hunt, fishing, volleyball rallies, bikes, croquet, the pool.
We won.
Only team that caught a fish. Not bad for 20mins. Chris got it, right as we were about to go. I succeeded in loosing the reel handle off my rod – I have no idea how. I looked down and it was just not there.

Dinner. Not as heavy as last night. Still huge. Three courses. Three hours (or thereabouts). Gnocchi entrée thing however was a little strange. Nice though. Chicken main, with capsicum sauce, apple/berry crumble for desert; possibly the better menu. Bek and I sat with the ‘older’ kids. Zac D, Zac B, Heidi, Joshua, Levi and Rachel. They soon left.

Dinner over. Bek and I managed to find DVD of Finding Neverland and took it back to the room. I love that movie. Not a clichéd ending. Moves me. Seen it once before – at the movies.

And now.

Big day God. A lot you need to have a lot of thought, a lot of want I am incapable to deal with on my own. More I need your help, to know you’re there. More to know of your plan for my life. More to understand that direction lies with you and I cannot possibly have all the answers, nor is it appropriate.

God search me and know me. Know when I sit and when I rise, discern my thoughts. Know my going out and my coming in.

Know me. I want to know you more.

Church General Relationships

Published June 11, 2005 by

God controlled chaos

Also from the 11th (today the 13th)

————-

I do know that for all its luxuries, three course, three-hour amazing meals, ample accommodation and sweeping grounds this will not be the most remembered part. Oh the value and insight from some of the conferences, sure – great. But if this weekend amounted to nothing more than that conversation with Bek Smith then it was entirely worth it.

Being both elders daughters our perspective on what has been going on a WPC has been, well to say, somewhat more enlightened than others. Our dissatisfaction is shared, what went or started long before any problems became evident. Our inability to articulate where things sit, is common ground. Frustration stemming, yes from the problems and from I guess the limits that have accumulated over the years. It’s as if certain good parts of our church drifted and got lost, or that the focus from the onset was wrong. To tell the truth, I really have no idea what happened when. I do know that it is terribly difficult to explain the situation outside of context and had you been there as a ‘member’ (and I put that in inverted commas for plenty of reasons) then you might be able to grasp it.

Although I have talked and shared many of my concerns with Burkie, with Jas and a few others there has always been that once removed factor. Rebekah said she tried, even with her Mum, with Naomi, and Tracey but didn’t find what she felt was understanding. We somehow seem to be on the same wavelength. She expressed this huge relief about having being able to talk stuff through. Sharing frustrations, our angst over what’s going on in the tangled mess of ugly church politics, our sadness over the disunity, about Christians showing up to church and wearing ‘masks’ of good behavior and lying through their Sunday facade. Whatever I got out of it – more frustration about thinking about it more, I’m glad you were able to use me for Bek’s sake. It is hard to know where you cross the line between straight gossip and judgment where do you draw the line in talking about a very real issue, and where you should stop and cease speculating, attempting to fit the pieces you have of the story together.

God I said that I’d rather know all or nothing. I guess it doesn’t matter. I know what I have heard and I’ve heard enough. I have a sincere disquiet about WPC. Oh God, its not what church is meant to be like. No community, all leadership debacles, no unity, all discord, no joy, all going through the motions.

What is wrong God? How do I respond appropriately? When do I leave?

When. It’s more a case of when now, then the straight YES or NO. Where is what follows. Both I need your input on. More than just your input, I need your ‘go’ before I do anything. Has that been given yet?

God, you know the future of that place. I can only ask that you be there, and if it is your will to let it draw to a close peacefully, to take the stress from Mark’s, Murray’s, Anton’s, Dad’s shoulders. Be there tomorrow. Meet many, let many be willing and open to hearing you.

Help them to listen God. That’s what Bek said, ‘they just don’t want to listen (to you)’. Thank you for Bek, thank you for the enormous blessing she’s been for me today. You are God and you are in control. Help Bek to remember that. Help me to remember that. Help us know you’re overseeing everything.

Church General Work

Published June 11, 2005 by

Muse

….back dating (it is actually the 13th today). Stonelea/business conference. Exceptional experience. Fairly interesting sessions. Given so much food.

so… what I wrote (two seperate times on the 11th) I actually found it pretty hard to think through anything. Random musing below.

———-

It is interesting. Observing myself and my strong desire for solitude. How I can be completely content to be well, alone. Particularly when I can sit in front of some expanse or peaceful no, even busy aspect of life. This is where I am met. I came out with two initiatives. The first to work out all the stuff – to plan I suppose the rest of my holidays. The second to escape my frustration of not having a camera to capture the moment/the place, the peace and set out to actually experience it. God said something about that to me.

I went for a walk and found people. The room is nice but no place when there is better outside. So I am sitting on the edge of this sweeping verandah with vines hanging beside me keeping me company. It is dusk. Some mountain across from me with an icing of cloud before the break where it is less dense and returning again to seamless cover. The stars wont come out tonight.

Oh there are distractions. Cars passing ever so often. A noisy cow. Tennis balls.

So I understand that I need practice in capturing the moment in words. What I want to do. To learn. To paint, to photograph with letters.

Grey and green. Not depressing, The quiet when you listen to it is replaced with noise. Birds, cows. There is life.

The poem… one line of it returned to me. I can’t remember anything but ‘the stillness’.
It is not still.

Is this one more cog in the wheel of finding a place. Discovering a bit more of who I am. Which in reality should be discovering a bit more of who you are.

Interrupted.

Moved inside.

I wonder God about the discrepancies of my writing. How I flick from writing to a ‘mock’ audience, to writing for you, writing to remember, writing because of writing.

Am I isolated. Yes. Do I do so intentionally. Yes. I like alone. I need you.
Do I like alone so much because I haven’t found the company I yet want.
Am I lonely. Not right now. Bigger picture, perhaps yes. But that time will come.

For now.

What do you want me to do? More so, how do I use this? What are my goals my dreams?

Got stopped short during the discussion on ‘Harmonised Passions”. When the question was asked, who knows you so well that they can look into your life and tell you where you’ve well, hmm need to re-emphasise your time.

What barriers do I have in friendships?

I thought about it. Who knows me so well besides you God? There are those I spend YITS day’s with. Bar two of them I haven’t known them more than 5months. That’s not long enough. (and 3 days out of every 7 besides). Do the maths. Not long.

Sam and Jess. Barriers there. Sister’s best friend.

Friends like Burkie, that know maybe head processes, but cannot possibly give effective insight into actions – how time is spent, how I live, unless I articulate it in the first place.

Aside from that. They are family – barriers there, self created, sanity created.
Or they are overseas, or I see them seldom.

This is what I am seeking to build with Katie and Jo.

In reality. The friendship building ability of Rebecca. Absolutely sucks. Be it influenced by eternally moving, fear of commonality, fear of a place of being. Yes.

Harsh truth of living elsewhere your whole life. Making friends you cannot keep in face to face contact on a regular basis. Once a year a miracle. And the year gap changes you so much that you essentially have to start from scratch again.

Melancholy.

Lord. Help me to be intentional. About friendships, writing, spending time with you, building relationships. Work in me. Grow me. Use me. I need you.

General Life Relationships Work

Published June 10, 2005 by

Until Monday

1hr and I’m heading off to a work conference… the long weekend up at Stonelea which is up Alexandra way. First time I dare say for me staying anywhere that isn’t exactly ‘cheap’ accomodation. Don’t have to share a room. Intend to enjoy myself, get that ‘time’ I’m so badly after. Thinking is high high on the priority list. Will have various work meeting things to attended as well as tomorrow afternoon’s ‘Round Robin’ activity (ie: group/families activity from fishing to scavenger hunt, to volleyball) weather permitting.
Weather does not look permitting.
I’m apparently the ‘green team’ leader. Hohum.

Rebekah Smith will be there. She’s Em’s age (16ish) which is good, as we’ve known the Smiths for a long time. Otherwise, work people and their families (be they married + children).

Today, for sleeping in. Made it 11:00, bed til 11:40ish. Vivid dreams. Its if I’ve unleashed some creative monster in my brain. Haven’t dreamt at all for ages and the past few days my head’s come alive. Known and unknown characters. Out there dreams. Strange locations, strange themes. Interesting. Not funny, not terrifying. Much as an onlooker. Memorable.

Breakfast. Spent some time sitting, worked out that past few days have revolved around me and not God and that is not good, spent time talking to God. Walked dog. Online. Spent ages looking for a non-existant bag to pack in and ended up with the Retravision one. Packed.

Looking online again at MK stuff (or the severe shortage of it, will think about that and my other as yet empty blog re: that). Looked at various blogs. Found my way to NaNoWriMo by accident. Remember vaguely being told about it. Might think about doing it. Need to write more specifically.

Checking if this image thing works again… This is accountabilty group (quite a bad photo of all us). Me, Katie, Jo.

Now I’d better pack up this computer and go get dinner. No internet for 4 days. Should be good for me.

General Work YITS