And so I came up with the thoroughly tacky ‘counties’ term by complete accident. This is Jomcgo, K of the T and me 🙂 About a week or two ago.
Published November 3, 2005 by Rebecca Matheson
As of two minutes ago I was in a not so exuberant mood. I hate hate hate shopping when you go intentionally and can’t find anything. What do they make bathers for now? Show? or the junk heap. Ugly and impractical. Wish I hadn’t lost my last ones.
I get home. Email from Jane showing how bad budget is for end of year party (which is next week). Two emails below that is one from Angela (finance person at Tabor) and they’ve finally decided we worked hard enough so they are being more generous which means we are saved and can deliver on what the posters promised. So good, not to have to stress about that. Hurrah for God!
Wrote a shockingly long to-do list on the train. Had copious amounts of time as the weather affected the power which affected the train signals. Which meant I had to sit on the already late train for ages, then change, then sit even longer and stop, start, stop, start. Took me nearly 2hours to get to work (not quite). The book I bought with me was decidedly badly written so I gave up after chapter 6. My headphones started playing up, so now only one ear piece works properly. The rechargeables have already worn out so it’s running on others that could run out very suddenly but thankfully didn’t.
Work wasn’t too bad. Except for having to do two site surveys, one of which I got out of because the person wasn’t available. I hate phones.
Oh how optimistic this all sounds.
Was overtired. The coffee at work isn’t as great as it used to be for some reason. I can’t bring myself to drink coke yet after too much social justice talk so had Sunkist which in reality is probably just as bad. I think it’s placebo. So it was tea when I got there, and coffee this afternoon ha ha no, not fair trade.
The races are on. I don’t know which ones now. I entirely missed seeing the cup on Tuesday – I don’t really care much. Heaps of dressed up, hat/facinator/low cut dressed at the station. Look a bit ridiculous, a lot of them. Ha, but then onto the train. Wow, it was so entirely amusing. These four old (60yrs’ish) women, chatting really loudly. They were coordinated perfectly. Purple and red, each different, all matching. It was really quite funny. I saw the older guy facing me turn around and look have a bit of a laugh to himself. I was grinning behind my hand and headphones. They had an animated conversation about how ‘young men’ should be polite by offering their seats up, and then questioned whether people should offer seats to old men etcetera. “It’s manners”. They were dressed to varying taste. The woman whose face I could see had a fairly flat purple hat with bright red feathers around the brim, it was pretty tacky, but some of the others had it just about right. It made me think of the movie, “Mrs. Calidcot and the Cabbage War” – old ladies with attitude.
I couldn’t see them for most of the trip as the train was packed, but when they got off, red feathers had hot pink bag and umbrella. Ah dear.
Was perfect and unusal and so entirely entertaining. They walked out as if they were dressed to the nines and into a culture entirely unlike that of the 21st Century.
Home now. Late but not really. Have got in the door and need to head dump to page.
Last night.
Hello brain immaturity.
Began to seriously question what I’m doing with my life.
I really like Tabor. I mean really like it. The community aspect of the place, the people. I have previously questioned coming back one day.
So I reconsidered (this was running through my head about a month back) next year and not going to uni, but going to do a Bach. of Ministry or something (at Tabor) instead. I had myself semi-convinced as of the moment that uni seems pretty pointless, I am unsure about my course, I don’t know if it is what I want to do with my life. I am interested in it yes, but yeah.
Talked about ‘the Christian Bubble’ ie: the fish tank analogy for those youth min people. I pushed this idea to the side. I know it, I knew it, I wanted to ignore it. There is still relevance where I am at the moment (head arguement). I’m finding it really hard to look that far ahead to when I am no longer studying.
I am not entirely sure if I intentionally directed the conversation towards feeling really out of community, I guess lost. Not really having a church. Not that traditional definitons of church really do anything for me at the moment. They don’t. I go to hope to get something out of the sermon, thats it. I don’t have relationships there, ha I don’t even have many familiar places, I don’t have people to look up to, or people to look up to me.
Essentially. I think I was, and am afraid what will happen next year.
I know exactly what I should be doing (which is going forward as planned next year), and how irrational I was being last night.
“So do you want to go to Tabor to exist in a Christian community, or do you want to do a Bachelor of Ministry?”
I knew the answer to this question Paul before you asked it. My motivations for staying are wrong. It is not the time for me to be sticking around. Someone might have well have taken the piece of paper of my life and folded it and cut squares and bits out of it for all the places I’ve left. Leaving things sucks, I’m so tired of it. But I needed to hear that, really needed to have a slap in the face with my own rationality from another’s words. Thank you.
Sleep and a 30 second thought on the train about it this afternoon and things are so blindingly obvious. What messed with my head was not good, I guess in some ways it’s useful to deal with it before I get three months down the track and wonder if I’m in the wrong place.
Well theres a varied blog post if I ever saw one. Now to ha, actually do those things on my to-do list.
Published June 12, 2005 by Rebecca Matheson
put in blog 13/6/05, written 12/6/05
A pity that a lot of this weekend’s conversations have come back to church and the multiple issues associated with that. A fantastic day nonetheless but I had to shove what I heard this morning aside and have left it until now to consider it further.
Gut reaction. I have heard far more than I wanted to hear. Know possibly what I shouldn’t and am not entirely or at all glad to know it. Breakfast. Got talking to Long Van. It is curious when you are faced with a slightly different facet of the WPC story. An angle you aren’t entirely agreed upon, yet have to hear out. So she isn’t entirely satisfied with Geoff. Not quite up to ‘Keith’ standards. I think that is expecting too much. Not everyone is gifted with ‘pastoral care’. Pastors can operated effectively without a strong passion in that arena. Her concern was for the elderly people ‘that he hasn’t fully accommodated for them’. There may well be some aspects. Pleased she isn’t outright attacking him lets me question where Mark stands on this wants me to have a fuller picture of what dad thinks. No doubt, Geoff is a quality guy.
My disquiet is not with that, instead far more on that she gave me the undisclosed information that Age has resigned (now disclosed/public). More than that, that she mentioned something about ….(removed)… Angry. She shouldn’t be talking about that. I don’t want to hear that, that is their business. She should know better, (removed). Unfortunate, but my respect for Long Van dropped a fair bit. You could pin the word ‘malicious gossip’ on it, which might be naming it a little harshly, maybe not. I was not impressed.
Ah God. Why is it so hard, it hurts to hear this stuff. They’re calling a church meeting. That was the ‘last resort’ a week ago. Invite chaos to take reign. I don’t want to be there.
Today. Aside from all the issues I managed to sideline. Conference session/s were interesting, a lot around the budget, pushing things forward.
The most interesting thing has been observing people, their relationships with their spouse/partner and their kids. I really do work with some amazing people.
I find Prableen and Harpreet an interesting couple. Time to observe an arranged marriage in it’s early throws. She can’t be more than a few years older than me. 22 maybe. What would it be like? Oh I wouldn’t want it. Prableen, I don’t know what to think. She looked lonely at one point; she obviously loves, or is ‘learning’ to love him… I guess you see her looking for response, which doesn’t always come.
Jo and Hugh. They have such fun. Rachel and Phil. How I like seeing how that works. Rach is alive. Paul and Ange, how he left an apple (just secretly) at her spot on the table… she ate it completely unaware. Ian and Anne, her words make up for his silence. (:) Ian’s great)
Can’t say this hasn’t had me thinking about relationships. Because it has. Bad move in some ways, lonely. Well God. Interesting how the desire for a ‘one’ gets stronger, beyond just the factor of having a relationship. I guess I haven’t had much of an opportunity to watch young families interact (not since I was too young to care), interesting what you can glean from a bystander perspective.
Team sports. Finally the ‘Round Robin’ came about effectively. Great fun! Green team. Scavenger hunt, fishing, volleyball rallies, bikes, croquet, the pool.
We won.
Only team that caught a fish. Not bad for 20mins. Chris got it, right as we were about to go. I succeeded in loosing the reel handle off my rod – I have no idea how. I looked down and it was just not there.
Dinner. Not as heavy as last night. Still huge. Three courses. Three hours (or thereabouts). Gnocchi entrée thing however was a little strange. Nice though. Chicken main, with capsicum sauce, apple/berry crumble for desert; possibly the better menu. Bek and I sat with the ‘older’ kids. Zac D, Zac B, Heidi, Joshua, Levi and Rachel. They soon left.
Dinner over. Bek and I managed to find DVD of Finding Neverland and took it back to the room. I love that movie. Not a clichéd ending. Moves me. Seen it once before – at the movies.
And now.
Big day God. A lot you need to have a lot of thought, a lot of want I am incapable to deal with on my own. More I need your help, to know you’re there. More to know of your plan for my life. More to understand that direction lies with you and I cannot possibly have all the answers, nor is it appropriate.
God search me and know me. Know when I sit and when I rise, discern my thoughts. Know my going out and my coming in.
Know me. I want to know you more.
Published June 11, 2005 by Rebecca Matheson
….back dating (it is actually the 13th today). Stonelea/business conference. Exceptional experience. Fairly interesting sessions. Given so much food.
so… what I wrote (two seperate times on the 11th) I actually found it pretty hard to think through anything. Random musing below.
———-
It is interesting. Observing myself and my strong desire for solitude. How I can be completely content to be well, alone. Particularly when I can sit in front of some expanse or peaceful no, even busy aspect of life. This is where I am met. I came out with two initiatives. The first to work out all the stuff – to plan I suppose the rest of my holidays. The second to escape my frustration of not having a camera to capture the moment/the place, the peace and set out to actually experience it. God said something about that to me.
I went for a walk and found people. The room is nice but no place when there is better outside. So I am sitting on the edge of this sweeping verandah with vines hanging beside me keeping me company. It is dusk. Some mountain across from me with an icing of cloud before the break where it is less dense and returning again to seamless cover. The stars wont come out tonight.
Oh there are distractions. Cars passing ever so often. A noisy cow. Tennis balls.
So I understand that I need practice in capturing the moment in words. What I want to do. To learn. To paint, to photograph with letters.
Grey and green. Not depressing, The quiet when you listen to it is replaced with noise. Birds, cows. There is life.
The poem… one line of it returned to me. I can’t remember anything but ‘the stillness’.
It is not still.
Is this one more cog in the wheel of finding a place. Discovering a bit more of who I am. Which in reality should be discovering a bit more of who you are.
Interrupted.
Moved inside.
I wonder God about the discrepancies of my writing. How I flick from writing to a ‘mock’ audience, to writing for you, writing to remember, writing because of writing.
Am I isolated. Yes. Do I do so intentionally. Yes. I like alone. I need you.
Do I like alone so much because I haven’t found the company I yet want.
Am I lonely. Not right now. Bigger picture, perhaps yes. But that time will come.
For now.
What do you want me to do? More so, how do I use this? What are my goals my dreams?
Got stopped short during the discussion on ‘Harmonised Passionsâ€. When the question was asked, who knows you so well that they can look into your life and tell you where you’ve well, hmm need to re-emphasise your time.
What barriers do I have in friendships?
I thought about it. Who knows me so well besides you God? There are those I spend YITS day’s with. Bar two of them I haven’t known them more than 5months. That’s not long enough. (and 3 days out of every 7 besides). Do the maths. Not long.
Sam and Jess. Barriers there. Sister’s best friend.
Friends like Burkie, that know maybe head processes, but cannot possibly give effective insight into actions – how time is spent, how I live, unless I articulate it in the first place.
Aside from that. They are family – barriers there, self created, sanity created.
Or they are overseas, or I see them seldom.
This is what I am seeking to build with Katie and Jo.
In reality. The friendship building ability of Rebecca. Absolutely sucks. Be it influenced by eternally moving, fear of commonality, fear of a place of being. Yes.
Harsh truth of living elsewhere your whole life. Making friends you cannot keep in face to face contact on a regular basis. Once a year a miracle. And the year gap changes you so much that you essentially have to start from scratch again.
Melancholy.
Lord. Help me to be intentional. About friendships, writing, spending time with you, building relationships. Work in me. Grow me. Use me. I need you.
Published June 7, 2005 by Rebecca Matheson
Tired. But oh what a good Tuesday. Goodbye tedious Tuesday forever – maybe.
Facinating Evangelism class. Best described – as I cannot be bothered completely reviewing, through some quotes I picked up. Minorly amusing looking at them because they tell little of the class. (on another note, this is what Tom wrote about Hyper Reality re: that class. How convienient!) continuing…
“Human beings are (have become) human doings” – Darren
“We are middleclass with upperclass taste.” – Mark Sayers
“There was a boxer who had a plan, then he got hit” – Mark S quoting someone
and instead of a a wwjd type thing > heaven = wwtc i.e. “World without the crap”
Much more from that class. Jesus mistaken as a gardener actually having a point > his (God’s) continuation of the Genesis project, perfect environment for humans.
So much stuff God. Strange how Evang. was the class in all of YITS that I was dreading the most – for some screwed up, naive reason and I ended up really enjoying and getting heaps out of it. This is your world, where your heart is (though I don’t know why), and ours should lie. In people. Help me God to invest in others and to do my bit to ‘grow’ the kingdom of God. Be my voice, in my words, my lifestyle, my relationships.
Old Testament test went well. Very glad that class is over.
Afternoon break, so much fun.
Photos – taking and being stupid. Laughing my guts out at what Jo said.
Accountability was good. Do regret one thing. Got talking to Katie about Laura (sister) and John (probably future brother-in-law). Talk moved to long distant relationships. Anyway, K trying to grasp how it would possibly work, which is very understandable. In my inability to find words, placed it somewhat flippantly back to being used to moving around lots (call it ‘brushing it off’ if you will). Which, yeah is true. But I could have persisted a little more and tried to explain better – in so doing, may have shared a bit more about what it is like. That it’s crap to have to do friendships that way. And to have treated her, I guess with a bit more…. hmm respect.
….more that I’m leaving unsaid. The God conversation aspect that doesn’t need to be public.