Published November 11, 2005 by Rebecca Matheson

Suit, tie and nice dress

Okay.

Interesting morning this morning, woke up lateish (if you can call 10am late). Had to finish youth ministry assignment (on Gush)the last 300 words or so on Incarnational Mission. I’m not too sure how the latter part of the assignment went, but I’m a little bit beyond caring. Not too bad a job, it was one I wanted to do well on as it should hopefully be useful. I will think about putting it up here, but maybe not. So blearly eyed finished that and ran around working out when I had to be up at Sams. The printer stuffed up and Dad was nice and got all the jammed paper out for me. Walked really quickly up to Sam’s and we (April also) caught the bus from there.

Sorry Sam, I was rather too tired to feel like being very social. The traffic was extreme. We did get to see the burnt nothing remains of the Kilsyth Club thing but the bottleneck near Bunnings due to roadwork was shocking.

We missed the bus to get to Tabor. Left April at Eastland and started walking really quickly (yet again) towards Oban Rd. I thought it’d take us about 40 minutes. While walking we messaged Rowan to see if he was at Tabor and if anyone could pick us up. Assignment deadline is 1pm Friday. We had 25 minutes to do a ~40min walk. We got about 20mins into it, quite a fair way and Michael drives past (according to Sam), I called him but he had to get elsewhere and was already late it. However just then, Ben came to our rescue (in Row’s office and heard about it). Much thanks Ben! (not that he reads this). Hurrah for God!

Got stuff in just on time. Went back to Eastland to try find bathers for me. Had some lunch, went and said hello to Dave who was unpacking strawberries and looked absolutely wrecked, attempted to say hello to Tilla but she was busy with a customer.

We bumped into Dave again when he was on his lunch break and so we all went hunting together. I had no luck mostly bar one whose price tag didn’t even let me consider it. Dave refused to come into Bras and Things which Sam and I had a bit of a laugh about (don’t blame you dave :P).

Wound up in Myers. Found some, the same I’ve thought about for a while. Paid a bit more than I might have normally but I need them for camp and just genearlly. They should I hope last for ages.

Waited out for the bus. We were talking to Dave about last night and about general yits stuff. About people really.

About the victories that I’ve seen. I was actually thinking about this late last night. Dawn came up to me so excited, “This is the first time I’ve been to soemthing like this (formal) and have not been comparing myself to the other girls”. Kerryn and her Rohan and her misgivings about ever having someone. Jess C and her finally speaking up in class on the very last class. Darryn and his confidence thats skyrocketed. (Surely not all in the suit :P)… and the other things I haven’t seen/heard. The change that even I’ve undergone since the start of this year.

It was funny when Dawn said that to me last night. I didn’t think much of it until getting home. I was really quite tired through the formal I’m not a party kind of person. How I was subconciously doing the comparing thing. I hate rebound compliments and they run riot at formals. I don’t like how formals change the dynamics of a people group, sometimes only ever so slightly. Everyone looked fantastic, but yeah.

So last night.

I enjoyed myself a lot. The venue was great, food nice, music not bad and people quite perfect.

I sat next to Sarah (Tom’s) was good to finally meet her. She’s really nice Tom and I’m not just saying that. She’s a twin too, so we had a bit of common ground to go off.

The movie Ben, Kym and the others put together was funny and really well done. Had the whole awards giving thing – I got something about blogging. Heh whoever had input into awards must know I do or someones made a biggish deal about it.

Rowan came up later and asked how he might get the link. I was thinking about it. Jess C asked the other day (and I avoided a direct no. because that’s what it would be) So Hi Rowan anyway. Yeah selectivity, I don’t mind giving it to people I trust, there are also limitations I guess on people I’ve written stuff about and have issues just frustrations over. This does not mean I don’t respect them, Jess W for example despite being a really good friend heh well no.

Had a reasonable chat to Alecia and Mark (and Jane earlier). Didn’t really dance and I wasn’t dragged up there despite a few threats. Hurrah! I might have been coerable if I was in a better frame of mind.

So had some melancholic moments throughout the evening. Oh I’m going to hate leaving these people and what we’ve had this year so much.

I did enjoy myself Jo. I wasn’t lying when I said that.

This is such a long and rambly post about just what’s happened. What happened to theoreticals and decent writing? Oh well maybe when things are less busy or less changeable.

I can’t think of what else needs/should/might be said. And just been called for dinner, so I’ll leave things here.

General YITS

Published November 10, 2005 by Rebecca Matheson

Dare you to move on

A cruel irony.

‘Dare You to Move’ is playing on the radio just as we’re pulling into home.
Last day of classes today.
They played this song at the start of year camp.
Nice of it to be a round ending.
yes, that was sarcasm.

So that is it. Year In the Son 2005.

We have a camp this coming Monday (to Thursday) and a formal tomorrow night. So not quite over.

I haven’t allowed myself to feel what I know I want to be feeling, or I’d be denying self. I guess I’m saving it?

Correction on that also.

We went to Nat’s place to hang out/swim as a finishing group focus. I swam for a bit. Chatted with Emma and few others. Later went to the lounge and just sat and listened to Matt and then Jessmyn play . I guess just thinking, gave my mind some room, talked to God.

Katie, I’m desperately sorry I didn’t get to hang out with you more this week.

Youth Min. Had to self-assess our journals. I was getting input from Sam and Jo (blog readers) as to what’s the theme/s been (since August). Sam pulled the word ‘understanding’ out of thin air. I used it. Understanding of myself, of God, of the world around/beyond me. This has been my year, not just my youth ministry journals. Sure it’s a very broad kind of theme but it’s true. It does however leave a lot of room for extrapolation.

Another part of this self assesment was to list two questions that have come up.

Is God enough?
“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

and dealing with these questions,
The first demands no less than to daily evaluate myself/motives/desires.
The second? well ha, living for the present shall help, that and taking the opportunities (and being aware) of what God is doing and how I can join him in doing whatever that is.

I decided that doing a self-feedback thing on journalling is really quite helpful, however difficult it is to pull out antianomalies after several months.

Ending. Shall I, shall I not think about it?

Forever is not an option. Change is inevitable. I will move on, I will change, I will probably leave many people behind. The difficulty lies in not leaving what I became this year, because if leave that behind I will leave a good proportion of myself. It is perhaps unfair to the rest of life to say that I found my footing a bit this year, but true.

I looked at the hopes and fears that Rowan had saved from the first Group Focus class. I have faced them, met them or they weren’t an issue. Cynicism came externally not internally. The others were all relationship orientated. I worked hard on this. I took risks. I let people closer. God drew a lot into place. I’m not all there. A long way to go. Confucious thought that, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” I had to take more than one to reach a point of beginning.

It amuses me some of the people God’s used to work in this area and why they needed to be exactly the way they are, however frustrating it can be at times.

Why must good things end?

General Life YITS

Published November 7, 2005 by Rebecca Matheson

Trust and the Cinderella Syndrome

What a good day!

Nicely pertaining to last night.

I have for the past few days been continually stumbling over trust related things. A text I chose to do a New Testament Assignment (Bible Study) on. The Sermon and a book I read last night.

Sunday was awkward in the morning. I felt entirely unable to ‘connect’ with most of everything re: music, sermon etc… except for the satisfying observation about the trust thing. Massive dissatisfaction and all those other feelings I can’t quite find names for. I did hang around with Analise a fair bit. Talked to Daniel, who does YITS at Berwick, compared assignment loads a few ending up thoughts, he’s a good mate of Janice’s so I’ve met him a bit more than some of the others down there. Saw Trev, Curls and Steve (didn’t get to say hello to Steve) as they are now all back from England. Trev looks the same, Curls quite different, Steve as ever. So the people side of church thing was alright.

Sunday night. Shower, got thinking about how I’m feeling/thinking dissatisfied and all that at the moment. Really in many ways uncertain about what next year holds and how I’m going to cope after having this fanatastic learning stream 3 days a week, to practically nothing barr Sunday morning. Oh, that and relationship thoughts that come up once in a while.

Anyway I go frustratingly, ‘argh I need something to read God’ was really not in the mood for flicking open to Pslams or Daniel whatever (Honestly sometimes I need to build on others thoughts before I can come to the Bible, its the way my head works. This does not mean I limit myself to their understanding or reading the Bible for myself no way, but when my head is already choked with thought it’s a useful tactic if there is suitable material around).

I find, in Mum’s almighty stash of books to sell, one called, “The Cinderella Syndrome” by Lee Ezell. It looks really quite old. The photo of the author tells all. (1985). Anyway chosing to intentionally ignore the “Discovering God’s Plan When Your Dreams Don’t Come True” I decided to give it a shot.

I read thing from cover to cover. Yes the book was aimed at females, some at married females. Talked a lot about satisfaction, contentment and trust. I needed to hear a lot of what was being said.

Despite the page not being particularly relevant, the phrase, “After all is said and done, relationships are truly the only things that really matter”. Stuff like that makes me laugh and wonder at God’s humour.

Today. Woke up quite happy (something to do with an earlier night perhaps?). A busy last Tabor Monday. Went down to Eastland with Jane and Dave at lunchtime to pick up some stuff for the end of year party (event we are running) tomorrow. Had a meeting with all the group for that. Attempted to work out if everything was covered. I think we’ll be right. Quite a miraculous ‘everything comes together’ from all the trouble we’ve had around money.

Accountabilty. Ha, we finally prayed. About time! How pathetic 😛 Arranged tentitively to work out how we are going to keep operating after this week is up.

I don’t have a clue how some people’s minds work nor what I think of them.

It is 12:01am, goodbye last YITS Monday.

Church General YITS

Published November 3, 2005 by Rebecca Matheson

Red observations and purple thoughts

As of two minutes ago I was in a not so exuberant mood. I hate hate hate shopping when you go intentionally and can’t find anything. What do they make bathers for now? Show? or the junk heap. Ugly and impractical. Wish I hadn’t lost my last ones.

I get home. Email from Jane showing how bad budget is for end of year party (which is next week). Two emails below that is one from Angela (finance person at Tabor) and they’ve finally decided we worked hard enough so they are being more generous which means we are saved and can deliver on what the posters promised. So good, not to have to stress about that. Hurrah for God!

Wrote a shockingly long to-do list on the train. Had copious amounts of time as the weather affected the power which affected the train signals. Which meant I had to sit on the already late train for ages, then change, then sit even longer and stop, start, stop, start. Took me nearly 2hours to get to work (not quite). The book I bought with me was decidedly badly written so I gave up after chapter 6. My headphones started playing up, so now only one ear piece works properly. The rechargeables have already worn out so it’s running on others that could run out very suddenly but thankfully didn’t.

Work wasn’t too bad. Except for having to do two site surveys, one of which I got out of because the person wasn’t available. I hate phones.

Oh how optimistic this all sounds.

Was overtired. The coffee at work isn’t as great as it used to be for some reason. I can’t bring myself to drink coke yet after too much social justice talk so had Sunkist which in reality is probably just as bad. I think it’s placebo. So it was tea when I got there, and coffee this afternoon ha ha no, not fair trade.

The races are on. I don’t know which ones now. I entirely missed seeing the cup on Tuesday – I don’t really care much. Heaps of dressed up, hat/facinator/low cut dressed at the station. Look a bit ridiculous, a lot of them. Ha, but then onto the train. Wow, it was so entirely amusing. These four old (60yrs’ish) women, chatting really loudly. They were coordinated perfectly. Purple and red, each different, all matching. It was really quite funny. I saw the older guy facing me turn around and look have a bit of a laugh to himself. I was grinning behind my hand and headphones. They had an animated conversation about how ‘young men’ should be polite by offering their seats up, and then questioned whether people should offer seats to old men etcetera. “It’s manners”. They were dressed to varying taste. The woman whose face I could see had a fairly flat purple hat with bright red feathers around the brim, it was pretty tacky, but some of the others had it just about right. It made me think of the movie, “Mrs. Calidcot and the Cabbage War” – old ladies with attitude.

I couldn’t see them for most of the trip as the train was packed, but when they got off, red feathers had hot pink bag and umbrella. Ah dear.

Was perfect and unusal and so entirely entertaining. They walked out as if they were dressed to the nines and into a culture entirely unlike that of the 21st Century.

Home now. Late but not really. Have got in the door and need to head dump to page.

Last night.

Hello brain immaturity.

Began to seriously question what I’m doing with my life.

I really like Tabor. I mean really like it. The community aspect of the place, the people. I have previously questioned coming back one day.

So I reconsidered (this was running through my head about a month back) next year and not going to uni, but going to do a Bach. of Ministry or something (at Tabor) instead. I had myself semi-convinced as of the moment that uni seems pretty pointless, I am unsure about my course, I don’t know if it is what I want to do with my life. I am interested in it yes, but yeah.

Talked about ‘the Christian Bubble’ ie: the fish tank analogy for those youth min people. I pushed this idea to the side. I know it, I knew it, I wanted to ignore it. There is still relevance where I am at the moment (head arguement). I’m finding it really hard to look that far ahead to when I am no longer studying.

I am not entirely sure if I intentionally directed the conversation towards feeling really out of community, I guess lost. Not really having a church. Not that traditional definitons of church really do anything for me at the moment. They don’t. I go to hope to get something out of the sermon, thats it. I don’t have relationships there, ha I don’t even have many familiar places, I don’t have people to look up to, or people to look up to me.

Essentially. I think I was, and am afraid what will happen next year.

I know exactly what I should be doing (which is going forward as planned next year), and how irrational I was being last night.

“So do you want to go to Tabor to exist in a Christian community, or do you want to do a Bachelor of Ministry?”

I knew the answer to this question Paul before you asked it. My motivations for staying are wrong. It is not the time for me to be sticking around. Someone might have well have taken the piece of paper of my life and folded it and cut squares and bits out of it for all the places I’ve left. Leaving things sucks, I’m so tired of it. But I needed to hear that, really needed to have a slap in the face with my own rationality from another’s words. Thank you.

Sleep and a 30 second thought on the train about it this afternoon and things are so blindingly obvious. What messed with my head was not good, I guess in some ways it’s useful to deal with it before I get three months down the track and wonder if I’m in the wrong place.

Well theres a varied blog post if I ever saw one. Now to ha, actually do those things on my to-do list.

General On The Train Relationships YITS

Published November 2, 2005 by Rebecca Matheson

Messy head

Heh.

Good day? Bad day?

Really frustrated at people this morning. Once at tabor things were okay. Nearly died in the Caf it was so hot. Hung around afterwards watching people wash cars. Talked a bit with Rachel. Tracey got me with a drink bottle – all wet down one side. Swing dancing, Tilla gave me a look and asked if I wanted the girls bit. To confess I’m over it. I couldn’t be bothered learning the new part, so I said no and bluffed my way through it all. Ha what happened to the good coordination last week? It improved after the first 20mins, but before that… well.

Lifeskills. Best it has been in months. Kaylene (Nat’s sister) did it on Shared living vs. Community living. It was really interactive, helpful, interesting. It renewed my strong desire to move out and do something like this (Community living). $$’s wise it is not practical at the moment. I don’t care what people say. I know it’s this way, which does suck but yeah.

Time between group focus and youth min. I spent in the caf, with Emma, Anthony (non-yitser), Dave, Jess, Alecia, Jo, Darryn and Tom (but only for a bit). Enjoyable, rambly hang out time. Messed with Dave’s laptop, read his nano. Wrote on notebook thing. Listened/joined conversation with Emma – ha, I can’t even really remember what it was about, was interesting though. Stole Anthony’s chips. Said hello to Katie (caf) got dinner. Got more wet when sprayed by stupid baloon pump. Thanks Dave. Then class.

Was not particularly in the mood for Warwick style teaching. He’s great just sometimes gets a bit on my nerves re: mood. We had him half the time talking the more ‘boring stuff’ ie: duty of care etc. in youth min stuff. Then a guy Dave came spoke about relational models. Ie. importance of feedback, speaking honestly ‘the hard truth’. It was good. But he spoke quite slowly (well, just long pregnant pauses – stupid cliche) which got frustrating. Worthwhile though.

Warwick said something really encouraging to me as I was walking out. One of those very surprising comments.

Battle raging in my mind re: next year. Prayer good. I also need to learn to listen to people. I think I sort of know the answer. I don’t know if I like it.