What I wrote today, simply because I don’t know what I got out of it besides this. We were meant to be (in a way) looking for God in the casino. I had trouble. What I ended up writing first was a sloppy mess, got home scrapped lines here and there, highly disjointed. A Psalm was the intention, but I couldn’t write one.


Chaotic – organised hurry
Where are you in this?
Pathways leading every which way.
The hospitality laden advertisments
are true to the reality.
Where black predominates through furniture,
jackets, people’s expressions, the carpet
Hospitality where the fake nature of the man at the door
is acted out with such precision
the smile is large, handshake strong, a picture of genuine
Here am I
and I’m trying to write a Psalm in a
place I find it hard to feel
Words can’t make much sense God when
each time I look up something has changed
This place is it’s own world
Happy, sad
Designed to invite people to stay
Every convienience but sunlight, space to think
What do I think?
What do you think?

Then I thought I’d better stop rambling words and write something. Haven’t written a poem or anything in a long time. sloppy again, but then that doesn’t really matter because it got my empty head on to paper.

Looking across I can see
A scrambled mess of table legs
Shaddows stretching around
Consumers legs
And I, sitting.
And old lady walks past
Her glasses out, and off
As though the need to see is gone
Walking out from the world within a world
Not smiling
Shaddows wrapping lines around
Adding lines to lines
Caught up


Jo slept over last night. It was nice to, or rather is nice to be able to relate to the word ‘enjoy’. Filled time effectively, had a good talk.

God, it’s funny bringing that back, spending time with someone and realising there’s not a million other things you’d rather be doing – like the other times. Teach me the authenticity of friendship. I need to relearn that with JessD adn catch up with her more. You put her in my life for a reason thats a certainty. You’ve spoken through her before. Thankyou for honesty – good confrontation, real friendship.

Envy. A funny concept that visited me today. I was able to stand back and experience something I haven’t conciously before. I am surprised. Not that I haven’t experienced envy, but a recognition of how tightly linked it is to self image. Please forgive me God. I really wanted to be her (whom will remain nameless) today. It was strange. Because the moment the thought entered my head the utter stupidity of the idea and the ‘I am happy with who I am’ was there. Offered a choice I guess. To dwell on it or not. I did not and am thankful I did not. I am annoyed the thought arrived in the first place.

hmm God, help me to understand who I fully am in you. Have and sidelined normalities decided to pay me a visit? Self assure. Convinced Idon’t have issues with it for so long. Yes I do. I know I do. Not the extent of many and maybe differently.
Self image. The mirror monster for the moment ignored, always ignored. Do I need to fight it? Have I fought it? If I can’t or choose not to let it factor in my life will it still appear later? I do and live life backwards sometimes. Maybe I am just extremely self aware.

You just want me to pray God don’t you. To shut up writing and start talking and listening.


Wednesday night.

Out all day. YITS’ing. Particular highlights being LS (lifeskills) class taken again by Becki S more about Boundries. Not quite as good as last week, can’t place why – I think everyone was a bit asleep. CAF duty (the Tabor Cafe – staffed by Carmen, Katie and the YITS crew). Always on with Katie, Michael, Kat and Sara. Sara and I clean, I generally do food as well – it’s usually just me, today she didn’t even bother to come in, saw her ordering food. Should be frustrated but I’m not. Have good relationship with Katie despite only seeing her once a week (no this is not YITS Katie).

Spent the afternoon at the Casino 😛 indeed. So we’ve done the outdoors, the cathedral, the shopping centre, now the casino. Did not end up going into the gaming section as Jo had her backpack with her and they weren’t happy with that… the so called cloakroom avoided our quick scan of the room so we decided not to bother and wandered awhile, bumped into some other groups and eventually found ourselves at a table in the food court – the alternative being outside in the rain. Lovely rain.
Intention was to blah blah… I’ll eventually get round to working that out and might come write some back here. Write a Psalm being one task, but I found that didn’t really work.

Met the others at 3:30. Long trip back to the car, Alecia realised she left her jumper back near McDonalds so she and Sam went back and would meet Jess and I between the Exhibition building and Crown. Anyway (hmm this is strange just blabbing on about the day). Somehow directions as to where to meet them got confused, there being two Hotel (I’ve forgottens) and Jess and I circumnavigated the Spencer St area of the city missed them the second time and after about 5 phone calls met them where we originally had planned to find them.

Drove home, Jess majorly late for something, listened to Mike Pilovachi (whatever name) some Soul Survivor sermon thingo – prty good except I don’t do just listening usually, and I would have much prefered mindless music of some kind. More rain. Ended up somehow talking about ‘kissing first only on wedding day’ and the (non)validity/validity of that. (mind not made up entirely – yes but no. ask me if you really want to know because I need to think about it some more).

Home. Tea. Now. No time to stop as yet. I have a feeling I have loads to do. Unimpressed because I have to get up early to work tomorrow. Strange desire to watch Little Women (don’t ask why). Need to think about this afternoon more and whatever I got or was meant to get out of it. Can’t work out what kind of day I really had. Need to write, which is why I’m on here. Laughed at a very random email (thankyou :)). Glad cooking was successful last night, the second of late – Jo’s help may have been the reason. Thought I should read ‘Came Back to Show You I Could Fly’… so I could decide whether to agree or not w/ A on his essay, and because I’ve forgotten it. Want to finish reading the Boundries book. Have to work out which Pract. Evang questions to do with Melina tomorrow. Intention to write a to-do list, which I think I have just done. Figured I have just bored the face off whoever bothered to read this.

7:09. whole evening to fill.
now to decide what to do with it.