Rearview Mirror

Jo slept over last night. It was nice to, or rather is nice to be able to relate to the word ‘enjoy’. Filled time effectively, had a good talk.

God, it’s funny bringing that back, spending time with someone and realising there’s not a million other things you’d rather be doing – like the other times. Teach me the authenticity of friendship. I need to relearn that with JessD adn catch up with her more. You put her in my life for a reason thats a certainty. You’ve spoken through her before. Thankyou for honesty – good confrontation, real friendship.

Envy. A funny concept that visited me today. I was able to stand back and experience something I haven’t conciously before. I am surprised. Not that I haven’t experienced envy, but a recognition of how tightly linked it is to self image. Please forgive me God. I really wanted to be her (whom will remain nameless) today. It was strange. Because the moment the thought entered my head the utter stupidity of the idea and the ‘I am happy with who I am’ was there. Offered a choice I guess. To dwell on it or not. I did not and am thankful I did not. I am annoyed the thought arrived in the first place.

hmm God, help me to understand who I fully am in you. Have and sidelined normalities decided to pay me a visit? Self assure. Convinced Idon’t have issues with it for so long. Yes I do. I know I do. Not the extent of many and maybe differently.
Self image. The mirror monster for the moment ignored, always ignored. Do I need to fight it? Have I fought it? If I can’t or choose not to let it factor in my life will it still appear later? I do and live life backwards sometimes. Maybe I am just extremely self aware.

You just want me to pray God don’t you. To shut up writing and start talking and listening.

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