Well I’m sitting on my beanbag attempting to ignore people I want to ignore on msn, which is why have it set as busy – they don’t get the point. I could block them, but to do so now would be semi-rude (which I don’t mind so much) but it would require explanation later.

Work today. I woke up on time, then fell back to sleep and was in a minorly disturbing dream (which I can’t remember) when dad woke me up. 7:30. I get the ‘late train’ at 7:46. Was not impressed at myself. Ended up catching the 8:06 train and bumped into Jess D (good friend from school) met her other good friend from Tafe. Was good :)It also meant I was almost 20mins late for work, I called Ian right on 9:00 well, mbo, Ian was the only one around.

Big World Vision workshop running upstairs all day. Shannon and I doing the catering so to speak. Ie. picking up food, setting up, cleaning, washing dishes. Morning Tea, Lunch, Afternoon tea. There were LOTS of them. Coffee making etc… endless dishes. I actually didn’t mind too much. Just strange to do half a day at work without barely touching a computer. My legs are sore, I must have gone up and down those stairs 50+ times.

Train home. Was wondering whether to see if I could spot anything interesting to describe here but I was semi-dead. So I slept (brain still half awake deal).
However, something I noticed today. Possibly because I’ve had a few conversations around it and read something on it recently.
Chivalry is not yet dead in Australia 😛
Minor surprise.

I mainly noticed the ‘you go first thing’ (male to female). Got let on the tram first before some guy, he was definitely ahead of me, and observing many unspoken moments of this in the mayhem of getting of the Flagstaff-Spencer St train. Another incident this-evening when on the fairly empty train a younger guy let another woman go before him (verbal indication) possibly the best part was the grateful surprise on her face.
I was rather impressed.
So yes.
*take note if you are male, girls do like this – don’t however do it in excess or it just gets ridiculous.

and thus ends this before I go all strange and start typing incriminating things.

a few random un-noteables:

My dad is big into road-kill at the moment, seemingly always when I’m around. The possum had it before the headlights hit it, the duck is moulded into the road.

Met Kellie again while hunting for dominoes in a $2 shop. I did Arts Multimedia course with her way back in yr10-11. We were the only girls in the class so got to know eachother fairly well. She recognised me first. Had her boyfriend Ryan with her, if I remember rightly he’s the same one as back then – which is good (for her 🙂
Quite strange, taking about 300 steps backward in time. I remember the day Kellie found out I was a Christian she wierded out and didn’t talk for the rest of it, that sort of changed. I lost contact with her after the course finished, I should have kept it up. I should have gotten her number or email off her or something again. Stupid missed chance.

okay. enough now.

This morning, Jess had to visit a potential formal location with Mark and Emma, and was frustrating in telling Sam and I not to come in with her ie: wait in the car. Sam, I honestly do enjoy spending time w/ you I was just seriously annoyed at Jess and her Jessishness… and maybe because I don’t like being told I can’t just because I can’t. I got over it fairly quickly, until she was late – which resulted in us being half an hour late to class. I don’t like being late, I’d much rather be early.

Event Management stuff first up, which is slowly evolving into a constrained nightmare. Jane is my lifeline, Dave my right arm and the rest either a) do their job b) are entirely passive and need to be told every minor little thing. We are organising the end of year Tabor party (all of College). Finally got around to sitting down with Dawn and Michael and making them go through and work out what they were doing for Gatherings. Dave had a stab at timelining (I don’t envy him one bit), Jane worked on budget proposal for the SRC (Burkie, tell Rohan to be nice and give us more money:).

Anyway as I said to Katie at about 11:00 this morning, “I am socially fried.”
Was wanting isolation above anything else in the world – that and sleep. I’m guessing my ‘lack of’ has finally caught up with me.

Caf at lunch was horrendously busy. Rachel was away and Emma’s feet are rather stuffed so Jess H and Kym helped out. Everything ran out. So I spent time cutting up salad between the standard doing of millions of dishes. Marko took over half the kitchen making his ‘awesome f-bomb pancakes’ (f for fluffy….)

Group focus finished early. Went for Coffee with a group of the other girls. Came back and mindlessly watched Marko, Dave and Iain play poker.

A rather draining Wednesday – the day of which I usually love. Break time, I paid for half a brownie (so a small one) and Kat gives me a big one which I contested a little, she ate a rather large chunk before giving it to me…

I wagged gathering as I couldn’t stand one more person talking about missions and sat infront of the heater, Katie came and chatted to me 🙂 much thanks.

Had to present 3D symbols in Youth Min. Did a fairly crummy job at saying what I intended, was not mentally ready to talk so semi-nervous. Warwick frustratingly picked random people from the list instead of working systematically (order would have been entirely beneficial for my brain tonight). My normally ‘talkative’ class (the one where I participate quite a lot) I rendered with silence as my brain was on autopilot. Alecia’s cool.

the 3D symbol which I might explain some other time (about ‘making disciples’)

So before I end entirely like I’ve had a crap day, it hasn’t really been one at all, just rather mindless and annoyingly peopleless for the last day before holidays. Work tomorrow. I badly need sleep.

I should right now be doing a New Testament Journal thing however I figure I can do one tomorrow between Group Focus, dinner and Youth Ministry. I have to have two done by Friday. So much for being organised. My essay on Censorship got delayed almost two weeks and I only finished it about midday today (seeing as we only have afternoon classes on Tuesdays)due Friday. So I was finishing the essay, making lunch (well ok Sam did that for me 🙂 Thanks Sam!)and trying to find a couple of photos I wanted to use free photo printing voucher on all at once… that and um :”) finishing talking to people on msn, shoving stuff in my bag, talking to Jess and semi-regretting I didn’t get more done earlier.

Interesting conversation this morning with Burkie. Have been stuck a bit in the rut of ‘going through the motions’ deal re: God stuff. Ie. Iwant more, aren’t doing much about it/’not feeling it’ (which is a shocking way to define how well relationship with God is – but yes). Reading the Bible – but not with much intention. Getting stuck in the Pslams because its ‘easy’. Recognising some lost habits that I used to have of reading something after I woke up (waking up in time to actually do so), the easier position of getting thoughts tied up elsewhere. I felt much more challenged (felt like I was being stretched more, growing more) last semester. Possible that my crummy attitude over the holidays and my issues with faith and doubt impacted some of that. Prayer would be good. I need to get off my butt a bit more, work on where thinking wanders (which is always elsewhere).

Put the photos in, headed to class, had a good dose of Nelly Furtado and an interesting conversation about something or other with Sam and Jess of which I can’t remember at all now. Emma gave us all a cheery hello :), the Caf was packed – as it generally is on a Tuesday. Talked to Tom, Jess H, Michael, Emma and Sara. Ate lunch.

Went to class. NT was a bit boring, but made a bit more sense as I decided to concentrate and take notes and answered questions because most people were in a non-answering mood or something (noticed that any replies were between about 5 of us – funny how that is). Sat next to Mark and Clare – would like to get to know her better. Was good to be sitting with less familiar people.

Afternoon break, I wandered up again to the Caf with Clare – was thoroughly uninspired by the mandarins I bought to eat so bought half a brownie (the small size) SO GOOD. Jess grabbed me before Gathering started (which we probably should always go to) and said we were going to pick up the photos as she couldn’t do it later. Sped through the school zones despite the time, and ran to where Jess got her photos straight away while I had to wait while the girl serving me searched aimlessly for my order and found them five minutes later where she looked in the first place. We ran back to the car, and caught a fairly good run back to Tabor. We were a bit late – arriving but they were late starting, so we essentially got back early.

Jess had to go check out some location for the end of year formal thing, so left us to find a way home. Mark/Michael offered as they live over our way, but I managed to get Iain as he’s heaps closer. Hung around after class for quite a while talking. 5:00 I decided to hurry them up. Got petrol/gas – gas I think. Bad traffic. Iain bought himself pringles for late lunch ?! I ate lots of them.

hmm. good opportunity for yits person ‘profile’.

Iain.
Oldest of all of the ‘Yits’ers’. He’s 22. His mum worked at our school – I ironically emptied her bin all of last year (the joy’s of Friday Cleanup) so know her a bit. He doesn’t work, lives at home and scabs a bit – rather proud of it (or pretends to be). Funny sense of humor, generous and although professes to not have ‘grown up’ – is genuine in asking how things are going. However ‘immature’ someone may be (or claim to be), age definitely makes a difference, you only have to talk to them to get that impression. He plays wheelchair basketball and often brings it (the chair) and his spare one to Tabor – which usually results in races up/down the road – or actual wheelchair basketball, or other general use for fun. I’ve had a try or two- Wednesday evenings are good for that. Iain doesn’t use it for normalness, does need it for basketball. hmm so yes. That’s Iain – roughly.

So eventually got home. Dinner. Cleaned room (not because I was mad or anything 😛 Sam, but decided I couldn’t concentrate with paper and other stuff on the floor), Shower, refined Censorship essay (which I wont share because a) it’s boring and b) it could be better). Then the intention to do NT journal.

Which brings me right back to the start.
That was my day.

Boulevard Of Broken Dreams

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don’t know where it goes
But it’s home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I’m the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
‘Til then I walk alone

I’m walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What’s fucked up and everything’s alright
Check my vital signs
To know I’m still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
‘Til then I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I’m the only one and I walk alone

My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
‘Til then I walk alone…

Rain.

I was unhappy going to church this morning, worn out from a vague flailing at effort to find somewhere right. I went anyway, I didn’t have a good enough excuse (for myself) not to. I am glad I did. I was frustrated when the guy preaching said he’d address last week’s not just the sermon I heard). Yes it had to be done, yes I knew it would be good, I was just sick of it. I was pleasantly surprised when he clarified things beautifully for me (God maybe 😉

I have trouble, a lot of trouble being critical of the way certain things are done, of understanding the emphases of other denominations, however hard I try there is this intense seperation of what is good and what is simply not. To an extent this is a good thing in that I am not, I hope a naive spoon-fed Christian, but I criticise rather than set aside. Criticism often clouds some of what could be good and true and maybe useful. I do box God sometimes. I get tied and tangled in terminology and take too much at face value. So God gave me a good old prod about all that stuff.

Secondly, this choosing a church business. I’ve come to a conclusion that if I pick a church and stick with it that’s where I’m meant to be, it can work, there is not necessarily a right or wrong place (except of course if it is feeding lies or has massive problems or soemthing). Very much like the: is there ‘the one’ out there in the world.

E.g. (quoting self from gushgirl thread)
I don’t believe there is ‘just one’. We still have free choice.
however I do believe that God knows who.
I think you could be quite happily married to x person or y person depending on who you actually ‘exchange rings with’ and not regret it.
If you lived a marriage where “oh no! what if I got it wrong!” you are setting yourself up for big problems.

There will, regardless of place, be somewhere I can serve/do stuff. It may take a little finding but no one place is ever entirely so packed out of help.

I am very tired about the relational aspect of finding somewhere new. I seem to face and have faced this far too many times before. Change, change, sometimes – actually most of th etime it hurts hugely, it is taxing and I wish it would all just happen – friends to appear magically, people to look up to that care. I miss Renee. I miss those familiar faces.

Another attempt at trusting…