To borrow a phrase off my friend Sam, “Dear lovely avid blog readers”,

I have had a long rant/talk with God tonight.
I will not be blogging as much as I have been as it has become too consuming. I also have very frustrating rsi . I am investing in a new chair tomorrow if mum remembers to pick it up for me, which hope will help a little.

This is not to say I wont be not blogging. I still will.
I think sometimes I overshare.
And so if I can let the focus change slightly I will.
Jo you asked me once “Why do you blog”. Maybe I should work that out.

I have not fully worked out how I will/if I will change a focus – does this even have a focus? I don’t particularly want to be asked millions of ‘why’ questions. I am finding msn and such ‘methods’ increasingly frustrating, limitating so I will hope to lighten up on that usage as well. Nothing beats real life realtionships.

For those of you from yits. I am finding it exceptionally difficult to answer the, ‘Who am I becoming?’ question and other such annoyances. I have been caging myself a little in words – not just in expressing stuff here or to you in conversation (real or otherwise), but to my own head. I am this very normal often lonely, not knowing what’s next human. I’d do well to remember it.

Where God fits in all this. In not knowing. Oh he’s there. Some stuff needs to be fixed re: me and him – which is a bit of what tonight’s been on about.

Uni next year. I dont know if this is what I want to be doing. Yet I get to talk to a guy over lunch at work today – Paul Stevens. ‘Interactive designer’ how beautifully fitting. Had a good real kind of conversation (as much as you can have) with someone I’ve met once (in passing before). He asked good questions. Gave me his business card – any questions re:design etc… just email. Good contact to have. I realised later that it was I guess God’s way of letting me know I’m not in on this next year thing along he’s got his fingers in my pie.

A question of priorities, maybe is what tonight has been.

“one thing that was pretty cool I learnt in girls discipleship but it applies to guys too! Is about being Princess Ambassadors.”

*Gag*

I hate terminology like this. argh!

Principles ok. Choice of Christianese – oh dear.

“Dumb dog”… or however that song from Annie goes. No really Job (my dog) is smart. The nights it rains he’ll wait under shelter for me to bring him his food then is kind enough to accompany me back to the verhanda in the rain. Best dog I’ve ever had. Kira (the dog I still have, but in the Solomons) was too indiviualistic at times and Monty personified the D in dog as dumb. Muffin was vaguely intelligent. Dogs are so much nicer to own in Australia, no fleas, not ticks no weird reactions to weird plants that result in them being covering in weird lumps. No people poisioning them so they can rob your house.
What am I talking about dogs for anyway?!

Rain. The one night Jess leaves the car at the bottom carpark. /rant

Ok. Full day.

Morning Lifeskills class rather disrupted as Jim (Ocean Grove YITS) forgot he was teaching our class thismorning so we had ‘event management’ time. Which is entirely equivalent to chaos – I think it is slowly sorting itself out. A reminder to myself here to finish the poster that we now have correct info for. Jane and Dave – yet again couldn’t do this with out them. Much thanks! 30mins later after ‘feeling organised’ Dave comes to me with the news that we no longer really have the budget we thought – some misinformation or something :S very big ‘oh no’s!’. I forgot to catch up with him (that being you Dave) and ask if he talked to Rohan about how much $ we actually do have to work with. How annoying. Bah, it’ll sort itself out somehow.

This afternoon – Urban Seed (with my significantly depleted half of the yits crew). Caught the train in. Lift to the station with Nathan and Jess C. Kat being entirely ‘Kat’ish’ on the train – loud. Kerryn talking to strangers :P… Alice arguing for the fun of it. Iain yelling ‘Cripple coming through’.

A lot to think about from the Urban Seed thing. I was entirely annoyed I had no pen/paper on hand as I could have filled a page with nice insights. So Collins Street Baptist. We went up the 10th story of some apartment building where Uban Seed people stay. Good balcony up there. The guy (Brent) leading took us through some passages in Mark and related a lot of what they are doing there to that. This is relational mission and not welfare. Got to see Credo Cafe, sat in a board room thing that smelt really good – don’t know what of – just wood and oldness I think and the ‘backdoor’ – apparently where 20% of the city’s drug activity happens (alley way). I got some photos, not lots.

I am entirely pleased about something Brent said as it will help me greatly with my Kingdom of God (creative) assignment. About the extremes of society. Tax collectors and ‘sinners’ – business people and homeless people (ignoring steryotypes). This still demands more thought at a later stage but I finally have half an idea.

Bah! I wish I’d had paper there.

We were waiting for a couple of those talking to Marcus and other Urban Seed people out the front of the back alley. Had half chat to Ben – don’t hang round him much. Noticed a lady with a Louii Vuitton bag. Started banter about people wasting money and not paying any attention to those other aspects of life. Quite a contrast the old guy in a grey suit and yellow tie moving around in a boutique to the graffiti land that embraces the concrete 50 metres away. My thoughts continued along these lines when we made our way back to Flinders St.

Had short group conversation waiting infront of Hungry Jacks around ‘fashion and making statements’ and different interpretations of ‘cool’. Quite interesting. Fed further into earlier ‘wealth – no-care status quo’ thoughts. Watched people, wondered if they gave half a thought to what it would be like to not have the dough to consume. heh – consume:consumerism. interesting.

Train ride back. Talked to Tilla a fair bit, stuff about uni and next year and um, writing (Nanowrimo ideas still at 0). “You should do something with it one day”. More thoughts for later. Good encouragement. Thanks Tilla – you do that more than you know 🙂

Dinner. Basketball fun’ness that hurt my wrist but I ignored it. Ended up lying aimlessly on the concrete with Sam and Dave as Darryn kept shooting. Realised I was kind of tired. Bought cheapo coke needed caffine – very bad.

Another thing. After all this ‘social justice’ orientated talk of late. I cant buy coke without thinking of other consequences – company treatment etc. however small a part one can of coke plays. I couldn’t drink a cup of tea last night withouth getting online to research (this is no joke!) which was ‘less bad’ – neither tea choice/site was very informative. Tetley’s seemed less concerned, so I went with the other one. Was discussing fair trade coffee/tea with Emma in class on Tuesday (another person I don’t talk to much) – how it is frustrating for pov students. I don’t think I’ll stop thinking about this stuff – will no doubt just get more concious about it all. Bother information. It’s a good thing. These are the kind of things I’ve never really given much thought to in regards to Christianity. I am not a social justice freak yet, might well become one – more of one anyway.

Youth Ministry.

Excellent class tonight. Much about ‘Coaching’. And a tackronym that I might remember: pGROW. Pray, goals, reality, observation, will. I realise I do a lot of this kind of discipleship without realising it. It really was a class all about discipleship, as opposed to ‘teaching’ which was last week.

Conversations that I’m having with Monica at the moment very much follow this kind of pattern – and here I am entirely oblivious that I’m maybe doing something useful!

Anyway, we had a ‘practice’ deal. Was sitting between Katie and Darryn. Ended up doing this with Darryn. Darryn is one of the most introverted people I know of – until you engage him in some kind of conversation and then he’s quite insightful. I really don’t get some of his humor – it’s quite strange. ho hum. So. Idea is to pick something (a goal) about what God’s been teaching you through the class (I guess Warwick giving us a hand in finding something). Anyhoo. Darren went first as I made him. Talked about Bible reading stuff (and actually finding people to impart this GROW stuff on). I find myself again commiting to keeping someone accountable for doing ‘God stuff’ – which is good as it sort of puts something back on me to ‘practice what I preach’.

Then my turn. I give some waffle (seriously, it was all over the place – poor guy) about how I’d like to do more discipleship type stuff with um the gush girls and how it happens mostly via msn but on msn I sit in my bubble of talking with the same people… etc… and how I often don’t have the energy/motivation despite wanting to do more. Gush is a lot about discipleship and I don’t think we really use it to its full potential. Also mentioned the need to find someone else to hah ‘train up’ (I cant think of another word) to help hold the fort with female mods etc. and not really seeing anyone (except thinking about it now: —)

So interesting experience, talking stuff out and getting input. Then we figured we’d better pray as we didn’t do it at the start. Funny kind of moment. So Darryn starts (yeh, I made him – it’s evil twin coming out in me). I get a comment, “I’m not very good…” gave the “no matter” kind of response. So he starts praying (I feel strange commenting on this) and you know when you hit that blank. Well yes, he did. So I waited until he found the words again. And then had one of those ‘sit back’ moments as all these words just kept coming. I was semi-stunned. Nicest prayer almost ever that I’ve had someone pray for me. End of that. Did the ‘woah’ comment without using the word ‘woah’. I confess I like Darryn a lot more when he’s confident (which doesn’t seem too often) maybe he just needs encouragement. Then yeh I prayed. I have never really liked praying outloud too much as I tend to overthink myself and the ‘thinking on the spot’ results in becoming wordless at times. Much improved if I just talk and don’t think. So yes.

Ahh. so much to get down.

Conversation in the car with Jess and Sam about House churchs. I expressed my hesitiation with not knowing how ‘leadership’ works – not knowing enough. As I think the Bible has a lot to say about leadership. We’ve been considering starting up something or other (not knowing how). I suggested the more feasable idea of a small group (some other yiters in the area potential interset, but not exculive to yits). This will probably go ahead after the insane month of November concludes, and then see where God takes it. I hope it does go ahead.

Home now. Words exhausted, have missed much I’m sure. Enough now.

I will post up here my ramblings from tonight which I hope to pass off as a New Testament journal entry thing. This was after reading Colossians. This might also explain my ‘sound of horror’ (That noise I made in gathering – no Jo, you didn’t hurt me, the massage was VERY nice – I just was a bit louder than I intended in my ‘ahh’ when I noticed something Jacqui said that all nicely linked up with the ‘mysetry’ thing.)

————-

There is an overwhelming sense of misplacement in the book of Colossians. Paul and Timothy – this is a letter from prison and an entirely un-natural expression of thankfulness and encouragement. My response to being jailed would hardly be that of encouraging the external world. Paul scarcely mentions his imprisonment and focuses on doing God’s work right where he is. This is admirable and encouraging in itself without the further message of Colossians.

We spent a good deal of today’s class talking about ‘powers’ particularly money. Rather than further follow the thoughts I had then, Col 1:21-22 jumped out in regards to recent conversations and further understanding of a friend grappling with self-esteem. Alienation from God and being enemies in our minds is what happens when you are continually inward focused and concerned about what the outside thinks of you. Self-image is a power that like any other can be reconciled to Christ. We are holy and free from accusation, and although she understands the whole ‘Child of God thing’ it is a promise – a fact that is quickly forgotten in light of surrounding pressures. I can and probably should share some of this with her.

Chapter One has also played an interesting role in adding to my continual discovery during this week around ‘God’s mystery’. God has chosen to make known his mystery – Christ in us. I have been reading Daniel and keep arriving at, “there is a God in heaven who reveals mysteries” (Dan 2:28). It was mentioned again today in gathering. I have been a little unsure as to where this was all heading and I can’t help but wonder if this ‘Christ in us’ thing is something I need to more fully look at. That, or God is affirming to me who I am and my role as a Christian. C.S Lewis describes us a being ‘little Christs’. I understand what this means up to a point, but really living and knowing it is not always the easiest thing to grasp.

Chapter Two points out to me that Paul’s love for the people at Colossi is deep and genuine. You do not struggle for someone unless you sincerely love them, this provides credibility and enhances the encouragement all the more.

Paul’s final greetings bring the context of the letter back into focus. Some of the characters mentioned display admirable qualities, what if we had people around us that ‘wrestled in prayer for us’? And what more can I do for the others around me to build them up?

I find that the book of Colossians does centre on how to live more Christ like. It presents ‘rules for holy living’ that makes them look less like rules by cloaking them in support and understanding. Paul’s love is clear through his writing and so his words are effectively persuasive without being pushy.

—————-

Today. Have been having an ongoing conversation with Jess W about moving out of home next year. To be closer to uni, to (well for me) loose some more of mum’s apron strings, to get to know another lot of people really well. A couple of options seem to have presented themselves in the past few days. Both tentative. Both dependant upon me finding myself another job. Ho hum, I dont want to think about that right now. Haven’t discussed any ideas with parents, Dad’s in the US at the moment anyway – and mum would have kittens. Still need to think about things more. I also have to work out what I’ll do with my dog if I do move out – stupid dog 😛 things would be easier if someone else took at least partial responsibility of owning him.
We shall see.

Something from class today which I think is important not to forget:

“The cross is not a contract for sin alone, but a covenant for life”

In relooking at this, really helped to fit the pieces of disjointed theology back into place. By this I mean confusion about where ‘good works’ fit into life.

You cannot by any means earn your way into heaven, or earn God’s favor. And when asked by Mon the other night about where does this ‘character thing’ fit into the Christian life, I gave a bit of a sloppy answer.

I don’t think that it was very clear at all in my mind – the why’s. I grapple quite frequently with the why character build?, why put in effort? complexity.

To steal the phrase, ‘God’s lifestyle’ – this is what we should be aiming at. Not trying to please God (to ‘love God’) with the intention of doing it on our own, for ourselves even, or others. Thi is for how we choose to live now, living life as an ongoing pursuit of Christ.

And how can I at all do this?

God’s lifestyle (right now) demands of me to know more of who God is, what is his nature and from then it’s all ‘follow the leader’.