Month: <span>October 2005</span>

Hideous RSI. Right arm, from shoulder to wrist to my fingers. Perhaps a little (or a lot of) overexaggeration, but I’m never too impressed when it flares up.

Work today. Fairly satisfactory despite being rather quiet. I didn’t have anything much set to do, so I stuffed around with the RO website. Then took myself on the painful journey of working through a tutorial to create a Mambo template from scratch, yes I gave in to ‘reading the rules’. I was dissapointed when I couldn’t see it in the admin panel (as you would be) technically the whole thing took less time than re-downloading Dreamweaver so not that bad. However I tried – as a last resort going through a template selection module (which you just dump onto the site somewhere) and it was there! Really strange. I hate it when it looks okay in one area but you can’t get to where it is actually useful. Oh well, a small triumph – how productive it acutally was erm well yes. I probably wont use it. I had to prove to myself I could. Familiarising myself with more of SQL and coding (desipite nice shortcut buttons, hooray for plugins) can only be somewhat helpful.

Went with Col (my sort of other boss) to drop some dishes back at a catering place. GAS somewhere in South Melbourne. Small but VERY nice. The weather was superb and I later had nice strollish walk (just not quite as fast as I normally go) down to Villagio to hand back even more platters. The woman there had customer service down to a tee. Nice people give nice comments (There’s one foul generalisation for you).

The train. Could I say now that LOVE Connex (sorry for the love word Sam). Lilydale line now stops at Spencer Street. No more swapping trains for me 😀 Less excercise I suppose – no more running up and down the stairs at Flagstaff, but I can deal with that!

I am reading ‘My Name is Asher Lev’. Which I have read before. It is by Chaim Potok. We studied another of his in Yr.12 (The Chosen). I much prefer this one. It is a fairly dark kind of book, a personality being built and shaped. About a Jewish boy and his facination and pursuit of art, cultural and religious barriers. It does not have the best (as in the happiest) of endings. I remember feeling quite disturbed after finishing it the last time. The book itself – is that good, you forget the world of the literary and get lost in the emphasis and the facination of colour and line and the bruised mind of Asher. I do not know if the Brooklyn Crucifiction (the painting mentioned near the end of the book) is real or not, I shall finish reading and then go and investigate – that and other such characters.

Speaking about ‘the literary’. I was sitting on the train and had put the book down briefly to ‘check out’ (haha) the guy opposite me. Just in the fact that he was an interesting character. He had a felt hat on, very nice clothes and a MAKE POVERTY HISTORY band (not one of the standard rubber ones) on. Anyway. His clothing didn’t entirely bear testament to the statement of “make pov…” I’m really not a good judge at what is expensive in fashion, however his tie was rather suave (:p I like that word). Mind you I did consider the fact that the mph campain is about awareness. It did have me curious. At the same time as this judging (perhaps you could call it that) – I was thinking about myself and where I am with that. No I do not have a band. I did scam some postcards from an Oxfam shop while in Adelaide. I have been after getting a band. Two things holding me up – a) they are miles too big, I have to find an extra small one from somewhere (however pathetic that sounds) b) I’m not sure if I can be satisfied in merely being part of an awareness fashion trend and not really doing anythign about it.
Now, the literary aspect was entirely this massive desire to describe him and get thoughts down on what was going through my head. I will not type what I did write out as I seem to have covered the situation already.

Something that must have somehow reached my very dead brain in Lifeskills yesterday was the, ‘What makes you feel alive’ question.

I was in the bath tonight, with Norah Jones playing (definitely bath music) and thinking about next year and uni. I got thouroughly indecisive about course choices again – right when I thought it was worked out. Interactive Media would be useful, I am I guess somewhat skilled in that area. I enjoy it. I like making things fit and work. I get a thrill of getting something to look just right and work well.

Arts/Health would allow me to touch on the psychology that has always facinated me (that being people). I can do photography in either – that is no issue. I cannot however seemingly do writing as I would like to do it (Professional and Creative) unless I am specifically in that course. I think I nearly cried on the open day I found that out :\ what a pain. I feel alive when I write. I did not list that course on my preferences as it is ‘too hard to make a living from’. What a fool. Silly girl. I will bend over backwards and beg to do some stuff on that. I will pull strings and if Deakin decides to be unhelpful I’ll work something out.

It is strange. I’ve had plenty of ‘crazes and fazes’. A vast number of hobbies as I was growing up. Skills that I attempted to force (such as various sports and music) and a few talents that I found I actually posessed. I used to draw a fair bit – I was quite good (not now). I could not however go beyond the realistic, I would draw from photos and not my imagination. If I took up art again I would I think find myself in a postion of abstract. Life has become infinitely more complicated since I was twelve. If anything, photos do reality justice by excluding the greater world and framing the specific. I find myself drawn much more to the Picasso style art now than the Tom Roberts of yesterday.

As to realism and writing. I have found I do write better from observation/experience or for example, those emotions or expressions that you can translate from one familiar situation to a foreign one. Imagination is freer with writing than with art. You play with words and not paint – actually no, that’s just a bit strange. Unique ideas do take time to apear. I need people like the man I saw today to trigger inspiration. That saying, I shouldn’t be too worried what uni course I get into, experience in every realm is useful. I’d prefer to write from life and so I must continue living it regardless of where I am.

My, what a lot of rambling tonight has been.

I was going to talk about my Grandparents dropping in for a visit – with a somehow related (but not really) older guy, Warren. And some comment my Grandma said about when his wife died, his niece would describe him as being like a lost puppy… and so my mind went off on a tangent. My Grandpa has Altzhemers. My Opa died of it. He’s getting worse slowly. He has a specific smell, I always smell him when I hug him – like really smell him. They are moving at the start of next year. Their house is another of those places I know as home. I will miss what memories I have tied to the carpet, the pictures on the walls, the staircase, the plaque in the garden…
Grandma bought choc-chip cookies 😀 Such a Grandma thing. She’s incredibly patient with him. It was her birthday yesterday. He forgot.

Well. Unless I make it on here sometime early tomorrow afternoon, this shall remain empty for a few days. Until then.

General

Well, I got online (having gotten home at 10:10pm)specifically because I wanted to blog. My shoulder is too sore to journal, hence typing the better option.

I am quite awake. I think I have reverted back to being a bit of a caffine addict (not good). I haven’t had coffee in a while, it has been tea. Tea has more caffine right? This is so that I am not as fixated on coffee (which I have to admit often smells better than it tastes) – which I do tend to drink when I’m feeling ‘low’, and I wanted to reduce caffine intake. Logic being, no coffee = less caffine. It sure doesn’t work that way.

Had two cups of tabor tea in the space of about two hours(the coffee is crap, even if you buy it and if you have coffee it needs milk which I’d rather not steal of the poor very suspecting boarders). Tea is OK black.

I have been half dead all day. I woke up wide awake – if you know that feeling? Was practically, “Ready to conquer the world” to quote Jane. By the time we had driven to Tabor I was as flat and dead as if I’d had only 4hours sleep. In reality I went to bed early last night 12:30 or so. I didn’t have anything remotely caffine related over breakfast. Do you think I have a problem?

Returning back to this evening however,

Had the famous Caf’s chicken burrito for tea. I’m pretty friendly with Katie (not YITS Katie), so it’s become a bit of a standard – things like she knows I have no tomato but still the salsa (a little strange). I’m going to miss Katie.

Evening class with Warwick.
We spent the entirety on Community which was very interesting. Some stuff around Acts 2:42-47. A comment on Pre-1950’s life that’s community pretty much reflected what I grew up with re: missionary community. Spent some time talking to Anna (the only non-yits female doing youth min.) Been slowly getting to know her. I confess I’m fractionally annoyed that yits’ers and non-yitsers of that class: Anna and four other guys are a bit seperated.

So there was stuff on individualism and our society which I did want to explore tonight in more depth, but I’m a bit stuffed so it can wait.

It did bring thoughts I’ve been having lately about really wanting to move out. It is not feasable financially and uh, driving wise at the moment. But I would really like to live with a group of people before I am stuck doing the ‘live at home until married’ thing. That would be missing a massive part of life that I would like to experience. It’s not that I haven’t intended not to move out before. I would LOVE to move out, I would I think, thrive. But yes, there is more to do than just serve your own ‘I need my own space’ needs by chopping a few apron strings.

Right, moving backwards in the day. Group Focus was a bit different in the fact that we split the Yellow and Red girls and half the guys, so that Red could go to visit Urban Seed in the city. I however am in Yellow so get to experience that next week. Our small group (we somehow ended up with only a few) did ‘Foot Mandala’s’ with Dee someone or other and Tilla.

A little hard to explain without it sounding wierd. I was a bit ‘Right…? What’s with this, this seems just a bit strange.’ I am very against anything remotely new-ageish as mmm that kind of stuff just feaks me out.
Basically draw your foot in a circle. Then go mad with paint/pastels/textas/anything… and draw your journey thus far. Then you talk later about symbolic stuff or um stuff that Dee ask’s qu’s about (into art therapy) which was quite insightful for some.

Anyway, below is mine (click for bigger)

I can’t be too bothered explaining it as I don’t fully know if much of it has meaning. There is obvious stuff in there re: Solomons. My structured/planning deal went out the window and I just started drawing random stuff and freaking myself out by using a lot of different colour – where I would normally just stick to a few. So in that it was a good ‘be spontaneous’ excercise for someone who just isn’t. It still however turned out looking like it somehow fits, which surprised me. Many of the issues I maybe tried to depect have already been worked through a fair bit, some still an ongoing thing perhaps, but yes.

And that was my day, aside from a lifeskills class about your ‘calling’ and developing a personal mission/vision statement all relating to an assignment due in a few weeks. I was mostly asleep so I dont know how much sunk in – sorry Rowan (although you don’t really read this).

No…
that was not my day.

Being in yellow I am split from the majority of people I hang around with more: Katie, Jo, Jess, Sam, Alecia and Dave and Tom and… well yes.
Hence I got to have some conversations I might normally not. I didn’t hang around with Elyce as I thought I might, instead I had a chat to Jess C – which was alright, she’s a fairly guarded person, which I confess does open the opportunity for asking probing questions which I do like to do.

I also had a good talk to Kat. First part was just about stuff, some of which came up today during foot mandalas which clarified a heap to me about her mood yesterday. Secondly I possibly infringed on an area Jess and Kat’s miscommunication (which is something I spot in people miles away)around doing a ‘yearbook thing’. I treated the situation carefully without incriminating Jess, but didn’t however run it past Jess first – which I knew wasn’t good as soon as I opened my mouth. Stupid Bec. Jess was a tad cranky. I think I possibly clarified things in Kat – hey it made her talk to Jess about it. but yes. Not smart of me. That’s me sticking my nose in where it doesn’t belong. Maybe I shouldn’t try solve the world’s problems.

Something Jess said the other day, walks into my room. “Sometimes Bec, I can’t imagine what kind of guy you’ll marry.” I am not unused to those comments. Never entirely helpful to get them. I’ve given up trying to explain what I do not know and so just raise my eyebrows at her. I have not really worked it out myself so I don’t attempt to continue the conversation. Hmm anyway.

Goodnight all.
Work tomorrow and then Friday free!!!!!!! Ahhhh 😀 Morning tea with the lovely Sam, then to pack my bags, head to YITS family and friends night, and then down to Rye. I need this weekend to stop.

General

NT was a bit different today.

Matt did a good job this morning going through 1 Corinthians. Kat’s outburst at the ‘women submitting’ point was rather predictable 😛

The difference however came in the afternoon.

Instead of a lot of um well New Testament stuff, they had set up various stations to promt thought/worship/prayer. From bit’s of playdough (God the shaper), to finding a leaf to represent you/God/rest, to area’s for reflecting on your journey/relationship with God. The few that stood out to me, was the area with the clocks and thinking about time and rest. Simply because I do not know how to stop very well, furthermore I do not know how to ‘play’ very well. I find it relatively difficult to relax. The last areas I went to, both for prayer and listening to God were also very good. They had paper there. If Mark’s comment about it looking like an essay is anything to go by…

One of the points was looking at expectations that pressure you (this is how I understood it), this back-reflected the playdough point where there was some text about being in a ‘niche between acceptance and expecation’.

I was walking through my mind seeing if I dragged myself under the crutch of anyone’s expectations and came to the conclusion that if I am, they are my own, or my percieved expectations of God for me.

Just to clarify, I’m not condemning expectations as a whole, because they can be useful when correctly used and are good points of reference for self development or achieving goals. Expecations are however not always healthy, as the drive can deprive you of learning through the process of actually reaching something, they can be unrealistic, and condemning.

The dictionary refers to expectation (one part) as:
1. Something expected: a result that did not live up to expectations.
2. expectations Prospects, especially of success or gain.

I was not thinking too much about personal expectations for myself – that have dragged me down or lead to burnout, more so about what I percieve as ‘God’s expectations for me’. Re: the above clarification. Unhelpful expections. I came to a short (maybe a little tentative) understanding, that God simply does not have particular (driving) expectations for us as he stands outside of time and knows everything already. It could be vastly different for other people, but it is relatively important for me to actually stop, to rest and to comprehend that I have been created by God and that is simply enough. I cannot earn God’s favor or any extra of his love.

I do not know how clear I have been on this. My often misunderstood expections of myself from a ‘God point of view’ (yeh right) contribute to the drive to ‘be better’, ‘do more’, ‘challenge self’. I am continually on a self analysis, whether I am entirely aware of it or not. This is not to say it hasn’t improved.

I think of late, this is actually why I’ve had a little of the ‘lost’ feeling. As in, that I cannot see anything immediate to redeem. It sounds prideful almost – I don’t exactly mean it in that way. I like to work on character building and yes, I suppose changing myself. I can tend to get legalistic about it.

The ‘lost’ aspect has come, perhaps in realising (probably for the millionth time) that what I am doing is far from being very important. I have had been yet again redirected back to God and away from myself. God does the making and changing – without my specific input. I lose my way on the track of jungle of being moralistic or self righteous or something, and now I have nothing much to do! Correction: I do have stuff to do, but it is in looking at God and who he is.

Much of today tied back to the ‘rest’ thing. How I do not allow God leeway because it is always challenge and push forward. There is to an extent nothing wrong with it, but when it comes to taking my eyes off the ultimate point – well. There is everything wrong with it.

It seems I am continually being slapped in the face to this stuff. Despite it, I am very grateful. It is better, even if I don’t know exactly what to do, and haven’t quite filled this spare area in my head.

General

Tom has managed to coerce, Dave, Tilla and myself (I know not of any others as yet) to join him and thousands of others at Nanowrimo, which results in an excruciating (maybe) aim for a deadline. Write a 50,000 word novel/story in the month of November.

I warned him that it will be a halfhearted attempt as it is the last month of College, I have a massive assignment for youth ministry due, and our end of year camp.

We shall see.

(In exchange, Dave and I have made a pact to not allow Tom to exclude himself. Tilla is joining on the basis that she can create a ‘no writing on camp’ ban and feel the pain along with the rest of us – that and she probably wants to write :))

As for story ideas… hmm well yes. (Got FreeMind btw Tom, haven’t looked yet)

It’s been a long time since I’ve done any creative writing, aside from a few stories last year for various SAC’s.

I think it could be quite fun. I somehow have to work out how to squash the perfectionist in me and not allow myself to get majorly frustrated by not meeting a goal (is that giving up before I even try?).

Anyway, not entirely sure what I’ve gotten myself in for :S?

username: moresaidlessdone (Bee was taken, so what if I use a spoof!) if you want to watch word count, alternatively you could actually join up and try it for yourself.

I have decided to cut back my late nights on msn and etc… nowish not for this, but for sensibilities sake. Muchly sorry to those I have very good late night conversations with, but these are hardly healthy sleeping habits. Kick me off by 11pm!

General

Conversation over dinner was rather animated, it got fairly silly for some reason.

Hannah: “Everyone shutup! I’ve got my hand up.” (we just laughed at her)

Emily: “I’m seeing if I can get a reaction” (Emily poking me with a butter knife)
Mum: “She is human you know” *?*

hello to my strange family.

———————————

Today.

Stephen Said/T… whatever the other guy’s name is (Troy?)did the ‘special ministry topic’. Discussion etc. at first. It was interesting. All of it was a bit relevant after last night. Romans 12 made yet another apperance (?) I find both of their teaching style a little too full on, which is good for me, but sometimes it would be nice to be able to have things so that you could process them easier. In reality today all that I remember is talk about Pharasies (sp? is off) and the task to ‘meditate’ on the following this week:

“Seek first the kingdom of God and his ‘justice'” (Matt 6:33)

Which means, if you don’t mind, I will attempt to have conversations with some of you about it this week.

Spent a fair bit of time with Katie. Was good. She challenged me by asking some hard questions – I wasn’t overly equipped to answer them (for that I’m sorry Katie), some perhaps didn’t deserve answers I might/did attempt.

I was going through Daniel 2:1-13 which is about King Nebuc. getting cranky at the wisemen who can’t tell him and interpret his dream.
“I want to know what it means” – stood out to me.
It was an interesting passage to work out what on earth it could be challenging me on. That perhaps it’s okay as the ‘wise men’, as humans, not have the answers to everything and that we certainly cannot know how to answer without God’s help.
Also, when it is myself that has the questions, that taking them to God first and not to human wisdom is the better port of call. Not to say that God cannot speak though people.

Anyhoo, very interesting re: today.

Lunch/breaks spent time on the grass in the sun with mostly everyone.

Afternoon class. I wasn’t really entirely in the mood for Warwick today – how ever bad that sounds. A lot about ‘the vine’. Which is a bit interesting in what God has told me through that passage over the years. Noteably probably one of the first times I heard God when I was about 12. Amusing, lead up week with a heap of little things ‘biblical passages’ I guess being enacted out in a literal kind of way. Shall we say, I got ‘stabbed’ by a vine thingo 😛 That and the fruits of the Spirit thing has been biggish earlier this year.

A good day all up.

…aside from Centre Link’s kind notification of the cancellation of my Youth Allowance because I didn’t reply to some letter (of which I never even got). Botheration, now I have to call them.

oh btw. (yits people)
I LOST

General