Month: <span>October 2005</span>

Half an hour and this has stayed blank.

I am ashamed and frustrated that I came online looking for someone to talk to when I didn’t have the words anyway. I went to God – half heartedly at first. I opened the Bible and all I could find was revenge and anger and powerful God and I came away discouraged. I sat with various windows open, msn set on offline – I looked at the names and drew lines through who I didn’t want to talk to. I am messed up inside, this world is full of a lot of shit that we can’t do a bloody thing about. I saw Hotel Rawanda tonight. I didn’t cry, I should have cried. Jess dropped us home and she hung around downloading stupid music, I just wanted her to leave. I had shower after I ‘set it up’ for her.

It wasn’t crying, it was disgusted ashamed shock, that drove too close to home. “How can people be so cruel”. It wasn’t a crying, a ‘that was so sad’. It wasn’t sad, it was terrible it was horrific it went beyond sad.

The gunshots, the rubbishbins and the road blocks reminded me of the Solomons – yes in far greater abundance. What hurt more was the resembling nature of two situations- one lot of people jealous over the other ‘tribe’ of people fighting and it out for control. The bribery, the deceipt, the corrupt nature of human beings. The machetes, the guns. Black faces. No, I never saw anything so horrible in person but the undertones were the same.

How I at 15 was so wrapped up in my stupid ‘security’ in the world revolves around us, the whites are the target – what bull. Sure seen as ‘richer’ and hence ‘more to take’. I didn’t hardly give a thought to the Malaitans, the Guadacanal people that got caught in the crossfire of a stupid cultural dispute. I know now I couldn’t have done anything to make a difference, that isn’t the point. I hardly ever even prayed for them. It was always for our saftey, for, ‘Oh please let us don’t be evactuated’.

and how pitiful one small Pacific Island’s problems seem in comparison to a genocide.

What a selfish world. I would have been 8 when it happened.

20 mins of sitting and I worked out what a fool I was. I got off. I went back to God. I didn’t want to open a Bible again. I was shown to Psalm 12.

I missed last monday’s class – where the task, ‘to erradicate some form of injustice in the world’. I haven’t done so. I have seen it in abundance, and I don’t know what the hell I can do about any of it.

Well, the mango annoyance has resulted in a fully fledged very normal feeling sore throat, which leads me to think that it might not have just been an allergy (mind you yesterday’s just felt really strange).

Church today, Vineyard. I wasn’t too keen on going. I have these major doubt swings for a yes/no deal as to whether I should be there. It was however really good. Music wise, I’d heard only one of the songs, the others I wish I’d heard earlier, good focus. The sermon was well done. Curiously relevant to some of the passages that have come up in YITS lately.

The following stuck out to me.

Romans 12:4-13
…If you preach, just preach God’s Message, nothing else; 7if you help, just help, don’t take over; if you teach, stick to your teaching; 8if you give encouraging guidance, be careful that you don’t get bossy; if you’re put in charge, don’t manipulate; if you’re called to give aid to people in distress, keep your eyes open and be quick to respond; if you work with the disadvantaged, don’t let yourself get irritated with them or depressed by them. Keep a smile on your face. 9Love from the center of who you are; don’t fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. 10Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle.

11Don’t burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, 12cheerfully expectant. Don’t quit in hard times; pray all the harder. 13Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality.

Tonight I am off to Reinhard’s (Acidoz for those who know him only by the gush name) place with Laura, and Jess W to watch Hotel Rwanda. A bit of an impromtu doing that came out of yesterday. Should be good. Haha shall be strange for him having three girls crash his place… not that Connie doesn’t know us 😛

Anyway. I have spent way too much time online today. This is boring post even I know that. Have had a cinnamon toast fettish all day (I think cinnamon toast is some of the American influence on my life… Australians hardly ever have it). Might go find something to eat for tea.

Okay,

Well it is Sunday afternoon and I said I’d put some photos up (from when I was away) so here are a few, there are more over on the photo blog slowly more will get up there.

The lady with the very red hair is Wendy (whom we stayed with in Adelaide)
Click on the images for a better look.

Wendy and all of us (Emily, Dad, Wendy,Laura, Hannah, Myself)bar Mum, who looked around the town of Birdswood while we went to the Australian National Motor Museum.

Dad and I midway through the 14km walk thing. The top of Rawnsely’s Bluff. Dad told me he was self concious about looking like a park ranger 😛

Emily and I in the Woolshed Cafe. I was entirely stuffed (this is after Rawnsely’s Bluff)

And if you ever wanted to know where I work (what it) looks like, this is it.

Some park in Adelaide.

Um, that’ll do for now.

Okay. A few things, some of which have just been fragments of uh, um thought I supose that I’ll dump here, some about the day, and some that might come to me as I write.

First. Tonight I pulled out the bit of yellow paper that had ‘Lecto Divina’ info on it from last week’s New Testament Class. To be honest I don’t know if I fully get it; what to use it with?, or how entirely it is meant to be different – whether it’s just a fancy name for some good things to think about while reading the Bible, or more, who knows? Whatever the case, I thought I’d find it half useful as I have been entirely slack in reading the Bible, and when I do, I usually do it with no structure in mind. I sometimes start books but then get sick of them. I continually find myself returning to Psalms because it is ‘easier’. Talked to God first about it (the reading thing), motivation and getting stuff out of it etc… and what He wants me to read. Randomly thought of the book of Daniel, so that’s where I went.

It worked really well. The frustrating thing for me about Lecto Divina is the fact that you end up reading the passage about four times all up. I don’t particularly like this kind of repitition and get bored with the same thing over and over. However this does mean, you get to know what you are reading very well and I guess in the long run, get more out of it.

Basically it’s:
Read the text twice: what words/phrases stand out to you?
Read the text again: How does the text make you feel? Who do you relate too most?
Read the text again: What is Jesus saying to you now?

So, I did all of chapter 1 as you sort of need the whole chunk or it’s all background on various kings overthrowing other various kings (Well, 🙂 maybe that’s just the first sentence or two).

Words that stuck out to me were, resolved (to do/be obedient to God through obeying the law) permission (how Daniel and co didn’t outright disobey human authority but asked first, showed respect) and remained (faithfulness resulted in a position where God could use him).
I don’t quite know at this point whether you are just meant to see what words stick out to you and stop there, but I generally just stick to conventions until they start to limit, so thoughts did extend beyond the identification of a word.

How the text made me feel: well along the lines of ‘impressed’ at Daniel/other’s strength at potentially having come from poor-average lifestyle into this royal court and totally ignoring the food and opting for the veggies. Impressed also at the courage in asking, in Daniel’s leadership of the other guys. A recognition that more isn’t always better, except that’s not really the point of the ‘story’ it’s more about obedience to God.

Relating to what character? This was a bit difficult, decided one of the ‘others’ in that willing to go along with the obedient stuff, but maybe not the vocal/proactive one. Which is kind of sucky, but I guess more true.

I had a bit to write (in my actual journal) about what I’m being told. Faithfulness/obedience are important even when you are in a less than desireable situation, God’s got a reason for you to be there even if you don’t know exactly why. I found it interesting that I got this when I guess I do have a bit of change coming up, with yits finishing, job finishing, uni starting – not just the future stuff, even um with gush – being ‘in charge’ for a little while.

The ‘experience’ was a positive one. I’m a bit annoyed that I can actually call it an experience, I’ve been that slack these past few months. Prayer please to continue reading, however that happens to eventuate or play out.

alright…

Observation while ‘reading over someone’s shoulder’ (the back of the magazine infront of me on the train). They are making The DaVinci Code into a movie.
I am not entirely impressed, it should stay a book. I will possibly go see it, however I think that it might freak me out a bit.

Slept until 9ish, when Laura woke me up. We had a ‘text and traditions’ (class) reunion 😛 without Mr.Youl – so Jess W, Laura, Reihnard and myself met for coffee (I being the only one who actually had coffee) up at Morrisons. Mine was free – being the frequent customer I am. Hooray for coffee cards! Had a decent catchup. Reihn, has met anotherpint (through uni) – always interesting to find out stuff like that. Um, we then wandered to the Fire Brigade’s garage sale, where I bought 5 books all of which I’ve never heard of before. $2.50 for the lot. They are in fairly good condition. I am pleased. Mum only had one of them (I found out later). Always dangerous buying books without her around, our house has so many books.
My bookshelf is now way too small. I have about 20 piled up around it on the floor.

For lunch, we (All of family bar Em, who was working) drove to my cousin’s place for lunch. My aunty Bronwyn is one of those people who makes three deserts instead of one, and um there were about five different lunch choices. She cooks brilliantly. I did however make the mistake of having some of the gourmet chicken salad that had mango in it (I did avoid the mango) but some must have still gotten to me, my throat has felt strangeish all afternoon (and still). A bit like when you burn your tongue – the fuzzy feeling, but all down my throat. I did know previously that I was a bit allergic to mangoes, I won’t be having that again. It’s not particualry sore, just annoying – a bit scratchy.

My uncle Paul keeps these ‘semi tropical’ fish. The yellow one’s have had babies, minute fish are cool. It reminded me of the tropical tank we had in the Solomons in 2001. Being in the correct environment (ah, I miss snorkelling over there 🙂 we got a stack of fish – mostly for free from an exporting place. Clownfish, Blue Tangs etc… and stole starfish, hermit crabs and salt water off the beach. So expensive to keep something like that running in Melbourne. My goldfish don’t get much attention as is, but they still survive. Probably more suited to my, ‘I no longer really care about fish’ attitude.

The main reason I went this afternoon was to see Naomi (my youngest cousin) she’s 10. Rather than stay home doing what homework sort of needed to be done. She sort of idolises me (or likes me more than the others for some reason), I often miss going to see them. She has this thing, where she likes ‘having her hair done by me’. She, got a camera, after being entralled by playing with our old one (I think perhaps my influence, haha). She’s got this amazing ability to stick something out. She’s not into the more exclusively ‘non-skill’ related stuff of most ten year olds. She’s done things like taken the incentive to learn to play piano. I promised her ages ago when I get my licence (slack me), that I’ll take her out for ‘coffee and stuff’ – I guess hey, if I can be a good influence, I’ll gladly take that responsibility. If say, a ‘mentoring’ position thing – yeah um I think that might be something God wants me to do.

I was a little concerned when I walked in and first saw Lauren. She’s 13/14. Yes going through that ‘growing’ stage, but she’s oh so thin :\ I thought Hannah was bad at one stage, but I think yeh. mmm. Nathan was as always, it’s hard to believe he’ll be 13 soon, he’s still such a little boy.

random quote I just got given:

Knowledge and personality make doubt possible, but knowledge is also the cure of doubt; and when we get a full and adequate sense of personality we are lifted into a region where doubt is almost impossible, for no man can know himself as he is, and all fullness of his nature, without also knowing God.
T. T. Munger

Um… what else was I going to say about stuff.

That’s right, Dave, I made a poster for the Tabor event. You didn’t send through that background graphic so I did something entirely different (purposefully to work in black and white, so we can cut down printing costs even more) I’ll bring it Monday for you to see. Still happy to use yours as well. I have put ‘draft info’ on it, as I don’t know complete details.
I think I’m at the point now where I can face the realities of doing the ‘admin stuff’ again for this stupid event. Gotten my head around some things. I will, I think tell people to get off their butts, and If I can I’ll join you in those various meetings on Monday – get the bottom of this ‘having to fundraise despite having a budget’.

Anyway, that has just about exhausted the words for tonight. I was going to put a stack of photos up for general interest (ie: holiday ones) and such, which I may still do tonight, if not at a later date.

October is the month the lower half of the calendar no longer weighs enough to keep it down.

Hannah is 15 today.

I shared breakfast with her – well I was eating, before leaving for work, she was sitting there with her long legs in her blue and white horizontally striped pyjama pants. Gave her a present, saw her open a few more and then left for work.

I am dead tired, but I have to write as thoughts are demanding position on paper.

On the train. My discman died about twenty seconds after I turned it on, it had been charging all night – I think it is either stuffed, or the rechargable’s in it have gone. Not entirely impressed, but it gave me time to think and I had a good book.

I watched people for a bit. I thought about the ones that I take note of/see more often. The medicare girl. The woman with one arm – she missed her train today, I saw her at the crossing as we pulled in. The younger guy who looks vaguely Jewish. The two guys who catch my tram going home, the guy who reminded me first of craig for some reason and now looks nothing like him – saw him with his girlfriend once ages ago, he looked unbeliveably happy, he’s usually by himself (not such a strange thing for public transport) he doesn’t smile an awful lot. The woman who I see almost every week, the one with the dark hair and open face, I can’t pick her background, would have to be something European. The massively tall, kind of hippi’ish guy, the guy with the fringed bag, the big haired blonde with the stud/beauty spot, the girl with the purple fila bag who looks like a model one day and quite normal the next, the woman with the unusual hair… I could go on.

Work was alright at first. At lunchtime I walked down the street to get a pie (seeing as they had run out of pizza rolls). I pass this lady. I must have a had a half smile or something on my face. Just as I pass her, she smiles – making me smile. Or maybe we did at the same time? I would have said it made my day perhaps. It did contribute to it.

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. I love those people who let you cross the road when they don’t necessarily have to stop for you. Kindness in action.

After lunch, Shannon and Rachel come to me with this pile of ‘travel stuff’. (the closet of frustration). So I spent the majority of the afternoon just that, frustrated at attempting to match this with that, shuffling through the many pieces of paper that may or may not be in existence. The travel company had not been sending it’s invoices correctly, and numerous other mistakes – all of which it was my task to find. Who would ever want to be an accountant? Needless to say, they are no longer MBO’s travel company.

I had a welcome if not a little surprising interuption at 3:30-4ish, aided by the chip I put in my mouth just as the phone rang. Sold a few more whiteboard markers 😉

They put an MBO sign on the door today. If you’ve ever been to my work – well it’s not the most well advertised place externally, a bit hard to find. The woman who put the sign up was ultra cheery (which reminds me, saw Mel today 🙂 was good). After she left. Snooky was checking how straight. Shannon thought it was fine. The entire office (well those in) came out to look. They got paper/straight edges, it is a bit crooked, hardly, it would annoy me I think if I looked at it too much. They’ll get it redone, hasn’t been paid for yet.

Something Snooky (Andrew S – everyone calls him Snooky) said today which made me further admire him as a person. Somehow someone – Shan I think came up with talking about ‘The Notebook’ and how it’s a ‘crying’ sort of movie. Then um, Snooky comes in and says he’s ‘forbidden’ his wife to watch it, as she ‘does cry’ and the addition of, she’s ‘cried too much in her life’ (mm something like that). Yeh anyway despite the minor dispute that arose over ‘letting her’ (she doesn’t actually want to see it) – I liked what he said. I’d think normally the ‘indivudualist’ in me would balk at it but maybe something about the ‘protection’ aspect of it appealed.

The trip home. Was sitting on the train. Hear a little girls’ voice making train observations – automatic look. I must have smiled or something. A business man smiled because he caught me smiling. I suddenly realised I knew (people with the kid)them from WPC (church) not too well though. Anyway, I found it funny as it was a ‘double take’ moment, so grinned. I was obviously still being ‘watched’ because business man smiled again – he obviously thought I was blissfully watching this kid or something… anyway, It took me a moment to get the grandma’s name but I found it eventually and said hello. I think I might have fractionally dissapointed the business man, particularly as I had to say hello a couple of times to get her attention (looked like I was hello’ing a stranger :P). I found the whole thing remarkably funny, but by then I was talking to Rosalie (the grandma), Gwenda her daughter had a pram and baby who looked vastly different from last time, and Trachetta the little girl. The baby’s name is Talisha or something (no joke, it’s that close to the other name).

L Station. I meet Jess W and Laura outside the fish and chip shop. We drive to Macca’s, meet Analise, Jacqui and Jess D, to finalise Rye weekend away (ie: redoing schoolies, same people, same house, less stress).That’s next weekend. I’m so over McDonalds.

Home. I’m dead tired. Jess D comes in to use the loo before she heads up ‘home’ (the further away one) and stays to talk for half an hour.

I did necessary stuff, like feed the dog, take out rubbish, and shower.

Sat for an hour not doing anything because I was too stuffed to. I nearly fell asleep on the beanbag but Laura opened the door just as I had almost dropped off.

And here I am now, thought dumping my day.

Sam, not a clue why I was happy yesterday (honest) – sometimes I just am.

Kathy B (my Deakin contact) emailed me back, she’s passed the info along. I should get defferal/acceptance for course letter now. Hurrah, one less thing to worry about!

Jo, thank you so much for that email 🙂 (I disagree on the ‘speech’ was so good bit though 😛 I talked way too fast) As for why I blog, haha so many times I’ve tried to work that out. If you are so inclined I believe I had massive debates with (myself) early on – that are back in the archives somewhere. I’ve given up trying to fully know why. I blogged first as a personal challenge. It has now become a good way to think outloud, interaction is appreciated, I like others being able to give me insight and advice which I may or may not take. Someone said, they get stuff out of it/it makes them think. It’s helpful for me, when something comes up that relys on background info so I don’t have to restate stuff. And a good way to keep you in the loop when I continually fail to live up to any good memory status I have ever recieved about ‘what’s been happening this week’ (ie. I need to say it on the spot or it doesn’t get down). I enjoy the writing…

Yes, shotgunned seat for Jo on Monday 🙂
Use the gmail account for email.

And um, what Jane did 🙂
Coming over in the middle of class (when I was up the back, feeling sick and um rather sad about leaving yits stuff) And acting in a non sentimental way, a hug and just a ‘sitting time’ with me – sort of giving me exactly what I needed. She is ‘one in-tune girl’ (to quote Dave).

Goodnight all.
Smile more, I’m too tired to now.