And I’d give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be
And I don’t want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it’s over
I just don’t want to miss you tonight

And I don’t want the world to see me
Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

And I don’t want the world to see me
Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I don’t want the world to see me
Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

We spent this evening at the Smith’s house for a boxing day barbeque. The Steele’s were there also (my old Boss, his wife Ange and their two kids, Ashlee and Nathan). Uncle Mark cooked some massive beef thing, of which I didn’t eat – I don’t like meat rawish even if it is meant to be that way. The carrots were the best.

We had a strange conclusion to the evening – sitting around with Wendy playing their piano, and we sung carols. Naomi has a superb voice, Wendy also (being thoroughly involved in musical theatre), Hannah has a very unusal nice voice, Laura’s pretty good and the rest of us I guess can keep a tune. Completely bizarre.

It’s strange, I can go to their house and think about ‘being jealous’ but not feel it. Not that their house is anything special, but little things, like the girls having x y z (the kind of things bec likes eg. technology related) and getting them for presents. And then contrast it with what we have and stuff. There is some satisfaction in me having had to earn what I have.

I’m proud of mum, she drove with me (by herself) for the first time. Ie. me in the drivers seat. She hardly stressed out at all.

Loneliness is the scratch on my cd, the bloodspot in my egg, the whine in my dog and the fingerprints on my photo.

The past few days on gush have been slightly timewarpish.

The return of zaul being the predominant concern. I confess I had almost forgotten about this outspoken, mixed up guy I had massively difficult conversations with July 2004. He was the kind of person that had a large number of people extremely concerned he might do something to himself, asked ridiculously strange questions and hung in the balance of being somehow interested in Christianity – both for it and against it at once.

A lot of me wishes he’d just go away again. I am sorely disapointed that not more has changed, yes he has drawn out of the crap of his life to some extent, but in thoroughly the wrong way.

Its a very difficult thing to moderate nevertheless. His obsession with Tony Robins and Donald Trump is absurd and concerning.

I also got a message last night from Sammy and Mish. What a good frienship I had with both of them. I haven’t really talked to either in ages. Particularly Mish. Also strange when I realise that’s how I sort of got to ‘know you’ John. In together giving Mish a hand, advice and walking in water well over our depth.

God has strange ways of working and sometimes brings really unusual people across our paths.

Please pray for zaul if you know the circumstance, and us as we talk w/ him and surrounding people, that Godiswatching will drag up enough courage to at least add me to her msn, so I can actually contact her (as I think she refused me last time). And that we can talk effectively against some of the stuff zaul is bringing up without having an all out argument errupting in our faces.

Thanks.

Last night in my boredom, I sent off an email to a few of the individuals that know both Laura and I. I asked them to send me back 10 differences between us (should they be so inclined). I am not entirely sure what possesed me – curiousity perhaps, the idea came after looking hard at a photo taken of the two of us yesterday. Laura also got a copy of this email.

The only response thus far has been:

“you crazy bored girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i’m gonna like NOT reply properly. ive got better stuff to do!! love jes V”

Oh well, who says you can’t try.
If any more slightly thought out response comes through I might just share it here. Whatever the case, you shall have to wait, just as I shall have to wait.

Curiousity has deintensified and transcribed into wonder at the strange sometimes stupid things I do.

And here’s where I can throw up my hands (in the truly non-literal sense of the word as my hands happen to be on the keys of my computer), or cover my face, or just do the expected, smile and shrug at the whys and workings of my mind.