Photo of Bec and the famous and lovely Jezika Rae. Thanks Burkie.

The question finally voiced itself in my mind. It’s been playing with my subconcious for some time now, I hadn’t really realised it. This post (if it even turns out to be that) could possibly come across as arrogant, far too self-assured although I hope I can convey it simply that I’ve hit a block. Or something. Maybe I hit it a while back and am finally brave enough to recognise its existence. Brave, or stupid or simply afraid now it has formulated in to some kind of half fathomable idea.

I am perfectly happy with who I am. I understand (if you can say that) that God loves me. I don’t think I know it all completely, we probably can’t know it completely. I can live in being satisfied, assured in it though, I remember it frequently, and I believe it. But,

What more?

It’s a slightly terrifying thing when you feel somehow that, that’s it. You can’t know more, because you can’t comprehend more. It sounds extremely like I have everything together. I don’t have it all together. I doubt I have half the ‘God stuff’ worked out, but it’s as if, here I am, and where to next?

I was outside and looking up. Such a typical, “There’s got to be more” situation – put a few stars in a clear velvet sky and there you have it the perfect cliché. I know I haven’t got God figured out. I’ve been pushed and pushed by myself and by classes and by a willingness to work it out and there’s always been more to discover. I don’t know what that more is at the moment. Or I’m too afraid to go there.

I know God is infinite, uncomprehendible and although we can ‘aprehend’ him (thanks Peter Downes for that phrase) we can’t understand him all so I can’t possibly have it worked out.

The whole ‘supernatural’ really freaks me out. I like to understand what is going on and why. I prefer my intellect over my emotions. I like at least control physically or control in some way of what I’m doing, feeling. I take assurance in the fact that God isn’t going to do anything against my will in that way. We have choice. Yes he could override that anytime. Maybe part of me hates that or to be honest really loves that. It’s like letting me still have some kind of authority over me and what happens. It’s safe.

I don’t think God is safe. Not in the way we’d like him to be.

It’s not a happy fluffy world. I think there is so much more to God that I don’t understand. Maybe that’s what this is about. I’m not scared that I have come to my limit, but I can’t forsee the more, the ‘what’s next’ and I like being able to see that. I like knowing.

Ahh. I go to open Bible Gateway to look for a verse and the verse of the day on the front page has been stuck there for me yet again:

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. ”- Isaiah 55:8-9

You’re keeping an eye on me.

I look for that verse I learnt some Sunday school, reinforced because I remember that old song, “How deep the Father’s love for us, how vast beyond all measure…”

I only recall the start; this is the full – the finished paragraph:

“I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” – Ephesians 3:16-19

Love surpasses knowledge. I didn’t remember that part. I don’t know what God’s love is, not it in it’s completeness. I like to think I know it all, I know enough. I have hit a human level of incomprehension and basically God if there’s more and there has to be; I need inroads because I haven’t a clue of where to go.

I know you are God, but I don’t really know who you are. You have been safe too long and I’m rather scared to let that change.

I never said I never lose things although it’s mostly true. Of course when I did happen to lose something, it had to be relatively important. My bank card. At least it’s replaceable, but it is thoroughly inconvienient. Looks like trip to ANZ is in store for me the next few days.

I haven’t a clue what happened to it. It is possibly roaming in Jess’s front seat of her car but I don’t like my chances of finding it again. Her car hasn’t been cleaned in quite a while. That or I dropped it – not likely. It’s not in my bag or my wallet and I did check multiple times as I am renound for always missing things on the first look.

My last accesible $’s went on a train ticket – money that was meant to be part of what I was paying Emma for todays driving lesson, so I had to underpay her (btw, did a mock sit my P’s test and I passed!). I was left with 80 cents to cover lunch. A woefully small ammount. You wouldn’t believe how annoying it is to be in a shopping centre with only 80cents to your name. Which is thoroughly insightful and points me out as being FAR too comfortable in my money earning, student, 1st world resident status. I am and should be ashamed.

I think I have this superpower of stopping toddlers dead in their emotional tracks. Really, I did it again! I just look at a kid’s face and they shutup and start smiling. Maybe I look strange or something.

I did not think it was possible to live out a lame joke, but today is proof otherwise. Okay so at work I’m meant to be available to help customers out and one of the ways I often approach them is, “Hi… can I give you a hand?” or thereabouts. A little bit of a bad habbit of mine rather than just, “Hi… can I help you?” I confess I’ve had a curious response or two. One old guy mentioned something about applause. However. I was meandering around being ‘available’ and I see this guy browising around. I nearly go up to him and ask him, “Hi can I give you a hand” when I notice that the guy only has one arm. Thankfully my mind pulled me up short and so prevented an embarassing if not humourous situation. Sometimes I severly lack tact. I didn’t end up asking him if he needed any help.

Tilla warned me today about how various colleagues (I suppose I should call them that)have been getting talkings to. Her included. I think almost everyone. Ie. they’ve (Manager/Boss/es) have been cranky lately for some reason. I hate having to feel on my guard all the time, you do your absolute best to do your best at doing what you are meant to be doing and they walk on by and find something wrong. Tilla thinks because I’m ‘newish’ that I might miss out on the ‘go out the back thing’ and actually appologised for getting me job there (warning bells?). Why they’ve gone all pedantic all of a sudden beats me. I do not know how long I’ll stay. I’ll probably give it a year max and then move on because I’m already getting bored’ish of it. Mmmm, no I didn’t say that! How long have I been there now? 3-4 months :\ Some days are good. Have to work 8hrs tomorrow. That shall be a bit painful. At the moment though work is paying for whatever car I end up getting, stuff for uni, my social life and pretty much most other beyond basics (advantages of living at home) things. Thus I’d better hang on to the job.

…maybe I’ll take over mum’s ebay books.

Dad and I went and sussed out a car today. Nissan Pulsar Vector (Sedan not hatch). Blue. I like it, feels nice to drive. Has reconditioned engine, not too bad nick for an old car, needs a road worthy though and the rego’s nearly gone. If they guy hasn’t sold by Sunday I might be getting it as he wants to sell by this weekend. Ie. We offered $500 less than the asking price of $2000 he’s not keen to take that if he can get more.

and now I’ll wander off and get stuck into my one TV addiction which returns tonight FINALLY. (satisfied and secret smilings) The Amazing Race. For an hour or so I can forget about if tomorrow will be bearable or not.

I was putting away various breakfast things when I dropped the milk. Not much split surprisingly but the bit that did splattered everywhere and I don’t me just in the immediate area. All over me and and all over the kitchen. Needless to say I did have to change.

I have no tute this morning so can leave the house at a far more decent hour. Yesterday held Studio. Which was great! Very informal. Infact I was one of three who turned up on time, the rest got lost (silly first years :P) and showed up in dribs and drabs. Adrian is our um, well I guess you could say the guy that oversees our stuff. He has a very lame sense of humor, talks about his kids a bit and seems like a likeable kind of person.

Heres to having a microwave and all other previously mentioned things (see last post) all for us! I have to go put in a form to I get a swipe card thing so I can get in there. Apparently other tutes use it sometimes but the space is very much ours and we’ve been told to make it so.

So out of the 11 or so of us present yesterday, three of us are of the female variety. Jen and Kim are the other girls. I didn’t really get to talk to Kim as she was late but Jen and I proceeded find out a bit about who the other was and kept eachother company during the next class.

Principles of Interactive Media is probably going to be the biggest “class”/lecture I have. I’d estimate about 80-100 people. I did not see Chris Memory. I think he must be mistaken. The lecturer (Penelope) is a bit weird, I have this vague idea she might begin to frustate me but she keeps your attention well enough.

Today I have both photography subjects. Apparently the ‘Still Images’ one is massively over enrolled as they are calling for some people to consider changing tute times. I shall not be doing so as it would inconvenience Jess, even if it would mean I’d have a shorter Wednesday.

Uni wise. I’m not sure if this course is _exactly_ what I want to be doing, but its a good intermediate. I need to look into taking up a unit or lots on writing as thats something I really want to do.

I had this dream/idea when I was about 15 to go and do photo journalism. Something like that with blogging (don’t laugh) but involving some tech stuff still sits the back of my mind as a very interesting thing to pursue. It’s no secret I want to be doing some travelling, because if I stay put in Victoria for the rest of my life I think I’ll go mad. Recording that with words or with photographs or better still, both, would be nothing short of fulfilling. I shall have to see where it all goes and in the mean time, try to pretend that everything is utterly relevant and if not, make it so.

Props to Burkie for throwing the realistic ball at my complaining over relevance.