Month: <span>April 2006</span>

I didn’t quite expect the comments I recieved from the last paragraph of my previous post. I was further accosted on msn and ‘made’ to explain. I thought I’d been clear, but obviously not.

Firstly. The previous post was in no means a plee to be asked out. Hahahahaha I would truly not be happy at all with anyone who used something like that as a reason. Not that any of you would be so erm. shallow. or really in a position to do so anyway.

So, “Why does it suck?”

I don’t exactly see why I have to have a reason. It simply is. It does suck sometimes because I get sick of waiting for that stage of life. I’m not a patient person generally speaking. When it comes down to it, if you want to get all technical or semantic then the bit that sucks, is when you shift into that dissatisfaction.

As I did say before this kind of position is not a good basis for springboarding a relationship – you shouldn’t fill a ‘want’ with someone else. Relationships are certainly not about the you exclusive. The other person must be very much in focus as opposed to fulfilling your own ‘needs’ (or ‘wants’ as the case may be) yes some of that might/will come as you each surely have something to offer, but that cannot be the reason.

I never said being single sucks all the time. Life is generally pretty good. Just because it is something I haven’t experienced doesn’t make it, ‘wow unexplored territory’ it must be better (;P though probably often is).

It appears as if some people danced their late night eyes over the word SOMETIMES. Ach, the selectivity in readership and the falibility of the written word and tone online!

What to say.

Someone please temporarily maim me, I really really don’t want to work tomorrow. Full 8 hour shift, a late night one on Friday and another on Saturday. I’m going to be, ok I already am entirely stuffed after this first half of the week. I could ‘fake a sickkie’ as they say, but I think my conscience would pelt me with rotton fruit. I tend not to realise I’ve crashed until I do however reasonable that sounds.

Tomorrow my manager gets to hear the lovelys of, “I refuse to work more than on two days as I actually do have uni and homework and a life”. That and I need an entire weekend off for the Young Adults camp thing later in April. I’m not scared they’ll fire me, because frankly they can’t afford to they are that short staffed. To be honest I wouldn’t really mind if they did. I guess they can treat me like crap if they dont’ like it, but hey if it comes down to that at least I’ve got a legimate reason to quit.

Positive Bec, real positive.

On the whole, “look I’m 20 and I’m still and forever frustratedly single” is a mindset that I get stuck in every odd while (and thankfully get over really fast) its a really stupid place to sit in. Sometimes I very badly would like that other person whoever he happened to be but if I ever approached a relationship from that position then things would’ve gone down the gurgler before they even started, relationships should not be primarily about the ‘me’. Maybe this is a ‘note to self’ or/and a rant. What was I saying? Oh yeah, It really really sucks being single sometimes.

past similar rants/thoughts here and here and here (those actually have a bit more substance)

So how’d the birthday go?

Up early for uni, running on about four and a half hours of sleep which is my own stupid fault. Studio this morning was quite enjoyable. I was met with a “Happy Birthday” from Jen who remembered. Jess however didn’t remember (we carpool) so I got this phone call this morning, “Can you be there early because of xyz” to which I gave her a flat no and showed up when I was supposed to, which means not early. I think I’m one of the very few people who will do that and I think it always sort of suprises her. So she was a bit of grump, asked me to drive then I mentioned I didn’t have the car with me. Her dad had her car so we sorted out that mess, and I reminded her of the date, whereby she was nice. Strange girl.

I had lunch with Jen and Huw. Ran in to Katelyn Nixon, said hello, then Luskie ran into me on his way from a maths lecture. So I introduced him and chatted with him for a bit.

I had a bit of a conversation somehow with Jen and Huw around RE in schools and how its always tied up with sex-ed. A little random but quite interesting. It put the Christian thing (ie: “I am one”) out there. Which is sort of good.

SIT lecture was on colour and finished almost an hour early much to everyones relief as the hoardes were quite restless. This meant I left early and went to Eastland to get photos printed.

No more Kmart processing for me. They are okay, but not fantastic. Some can be seen here on flickr. Oh yes, did I mention that she misquoted the original price and I returned expecting to pay $9 for the lot, whereby she asks for $18 something so I refuse to buy the CD then she still charges me about $3 more than she should have. I was sick of complaining and so left it and just paid the $10 for the 24 prints in order to get the bus on time.

The bus took 20 minutes longer than normal, I even got off the stop before the one at the top of my road and walked the extra distance before it was anywhere in sight. Not impressed. School kids are so…. well lighting a lighter and holding it in your mouth, now thats just real smart. They can’t help themseleves swinging and yelling and swearing and throwing things.

Laura got a rose delivered here this morning. Quite funny when you consider John lives on the other side of the world. She was thrilled. Kudos to him, big kudos – its about time I see a bit of romance going on there… okay beyond the constant emailing and phoning and plane trips. Oooh am I glad she doesn’t read this!

It was a good birthday. Different in many ways, but aren’t they always. Finished it up by going out to dinner with Mum and Laura (Dad gets back tonight) at Royal which is a minute fairly local Indian/Nepolease restaurant. Ate far too much. I’m not usely the biggest curry fan, but it was rather good. I’m still full.

I have been listening to Sons of Korah’s version of Psalm 80.

Restore us, O God;
make your face shine upon us,
that we may be saved.

A day or so ago I tagged a post that bloglines picked up. I often just skim the posts bought up in that particular blog but for some reason this time I read it through. It’s well worth the read and can be found here.

I’ve been having a bit of trouble answering my own question of where is Rebecca in relation to God at the moment. In many ways I haven’t had any almighty things to overcome and so dependancy has slid. I’ve felt very stuck in the whole hearing anything new. I still pray, I still read the Bible – haven’t been getting too much out of it, but it’s something. It’s not as if I don’t want anything or am even sitting in a ‘dry time’, it’s quite peculiar. It’s like one of those life points where you suddenly realise something has changed and you’re not quite sure when it happened.

Shower time is prime thinking time. So I used it and sat on the bathroom floor afterwards, which is what I do now and then when something is bothering me and I need do some sorting – sitting on the floor in my room with my back to the door is another spot. Dont’ ask me why.

Asked God some questions. It’s as if not that there is no problem so to speak, but it’s that it’s not wordable (or hasn’t been). I get frustrated sometimes when all I hear from God is the ‘love stuff’. It should be enough if you’ve got a good grasp on it. I’m fairly sure that God understands perfectly the rebellion against sentimentality that I have and what procures it, which is a good thing. This meant that when I did honestly ask those questions and attempt to deal with whatever it was – that finally (because it feels like it’s been ages) that God reminded me that he does interact with us in ways that connect with who we are.

It’s not about me. It’s about God. Why do we make Christianity and hearing from God so much about how ‘close we feel to God’. That’s all wrong. It’s nice yes, but it’s not the point.

The irony in this is that when I came again to that conclusion, is that God felt more real then he has in a long time.

I know many friends that are struggling with the God thing at the moment, ha, some of you read this. I know that same place far too well. I know I don’t like it. I know you don’t like it.

I was pointed towards James soon after the bathroom floor conversation.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.” – James 1:2-8

I know of this passage, it’s nice to resdiscover it with an alternate slant (and some context). The trials oddly don’t all have to be rocky and huge and ‘issues’. Being joyful about them? That’s something other altogether.

The restoration doesn’t seem to cease. God works in us and works in us and at the same time does not find fault. This is continual saving and the amazing outpouring of grace from a generous God who loves us in knowing us.

This takes the cake:

You have become a beautiful butterfly, but you never really were an ugly caterpillar. By God’s will may your inner beauty transcend your outer.

Happy birthday! And may there be many more.

(with the shown image attached to the email)

I’d say I appreciate the thought, but I don’t even know who they are! Mum doesn’t either. Quite disconcerting.

Oh yeah… I’m 20 now. How ancient.