Published November 20, 2005 by

In the dark

I was wondering what I’d put in here tonight. If I had done this a bit earlier it might have been more inclined to the pessimistic.

Church this morning. Not terribly engaging. I got a little fed up with my friend making a few comments to me throughout the sermon but it wasn’t facinatingly interesting at the same time. All stuff we’ve talked about before in Youth Min classes, Apprenticing and the Kingdom of God, this in regard to discussing church values etc. a continuation of last weeks sermon.

Some talk afterwards of going to the young adults home group (that is only advertised by word of mouth) on Wednesday, it all depends on Ana calling me and giving me the inspiration to go. I don’t know about the whole ‘feeling welcomed’ thing, it hasn’t been overly apparent to me thus far on the peer level aside from the few I know through school.

Went up to my Grandparents place for afternoon tea. Took the camera and went photo happy in my Grandpa’s massive and almost immaculate garden. I can’t be entirely bothered just yet making them small enough to keep flikr content so you can wait. I was looking through them after offloading them and was quite amazed at what I miss with just my ‘natural eye’. Magnified detail is so perfect. Very pleased at some of the shots.

Wasted some time watching some junk TV. Seeing as it is almost the Aus Idol final which I have only been watching in fragemented sections (due to severely waned interest after two years ago) and siblings minor obsessions with the show. Kate and Emily left. None of the songs were particularly inspiring. The single as pathetic as usual. I think that this show should be on its last legs. That and Kate should win. Who wants another R&B CD anyway? I don’t think I’ll bother watching any more ever. Eats time like nothing else. Better music can be found on those plastic circular things that are also rapidly going out of fashion.

Someone explain ITunes and such to me. Useable without an Ipod? What’s the deal. I have ITunes software on my computer for some reason and people keep mentioning it. How much do songs cost and how do you pick them etc… I am too lazy to research.

Bring back the Amazing Race and I might start watching TV again beyond the ‘real life’ Medical shows (don’t do drama – time issues). How sad. I should really watch the news and become re-informed with the world, I haven’t seen it in months.

I have been battling a bit with being ‘engaged’ when it comes God stuff – this has been over the past few weeks. The so called ‘quiet time’ has slipped into halfhearted attempts late at night. I changed tactic a little bit and did something a bit more creative as I’m simply getting really bored just sitting and reading/writing. I don’t know how well it worked so to speak, but it got me intentionally talking honestly to God. File name: Visual Prayer Journal or some blah like that. Dump photo to fit the mood, write/type to God over it. Simple but different. This is not to say problems or issues are fixed. Prayer around me and God and the relationship there would be good. Its something I badly want and still find so hard to keep up. Frustrating.

Tilla gave me this verse in my encouragement/concluding note.

Matt 10:27 “What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs.”

I have been thinking about it.

Christianity Church General Life

Published November 19, 2005 by

Saturday one

I have spent my day…

  • creating a cover letter with some timely advice from Tilla, I love email.
  • dropping in my resume (and the cover letter which finally got done) at Dymocks
  • shopping with the lovely Sam
  • randomly itching my face because the stupid face wash stuff I bought does have that methyl/propylparaben in it (which I think is the problem). I had one picked out, all checked and then grabbed the ‘mild’ one at the last minute. Stupid girl Rebecca. Products of the cosmetic kind cost way too much, remind me why I never usually buy them?
  • researching exhibitions (mostly the free ones) and such activities around Melbourne in the coming montshs, so that I can spend some of all this free time immersing myself into good culture
  • reading The Potato Factory -Bryce Courtney, which I’m only about a third through still. It is thorougly engrossing, rather a bit more crude than I usually allow myself to read and I wouldn’t want to see the movie unless it is tamed down rather a lot. I can’t not finish it. Imagination is a good thing you can place way more limits on it than you can with a visual image.
  • writing an email to Kerryn, the one person above all who I would have liked to do the ‘affirmation’ session on camp for. She couldn’t come for some reason or other.

It has thus been quite a good day.

Particularly as I can now let my Grandma know that I want something other than a voucher for a Christmas present, which would have to be a first in about four years. If things go as planned I shall go with her (I hope) to see Handel’s Messiah at Hamer Hall (Melbourne Symphony Orchestra) on the 9th of December. Ah much excitement!
If that falls through, I shall hope to nab some less attractive seats (C reserve) for myself as it isn’t that expensive, although I may not be able to see. I have a significant attachment to this piece of music.

Hoorah!

General Life Work

Published November 18, 2005 by

Freedom

I spent this evening at my cousin Jaclyn’s graduation.So incredibally similar, yet so different from my own around the same time last year. I sat in the back (we were a bit late) living my freedom and marvelling at what I’ll do with all my time, feeling heh maybe ‘adult’ or more so than usually let myself feel. Got to catch up with some old teachers, MJB (Mr Brown – methods teacher) was there, down from Sydney! I hadn’t realised that Iain was going to be there until I remembered his sister Beth was graduating and that was only when I saw her. So had a bit of a camp/finishing debrief and general chat with him, sort of good in a way – the debrief thing.

I didn’t find out about going tonight until sometime today, it might have been last night I’m not sure. Laura was standing around doing a verbal comparison of us four girls and ‘styles’ before hand for Marita’s (Em’s friend)apparent benefit. “I’m more classic (Laura), Hannah’s all very um popular/modern, Emily’s retro, and Bec’s casual”. I found it quite amusing as it’s all rather true. Hannah spends hours getting ready and I couldn’t even be stuffed wearing makeup. I think you can look perfectly nice without it, saves so much time and hassle.

Tomorrow I intend to go hand in a job application at Dymocks in Eastland. Tilla has recommended me and I think that Dave and I are fighting it out for the job. It would be mightly useful as I finish up at MBO by Christmas. I can get to Eastland by train, a vastly shorter trip than what I do now, and the pay would be considerably higher than my ‘a bit’ stingy current wage.

Today I decided I’m not waiting around too much longer to get my manual P’s and I’ll just bite the bullet, get a couple of pro lessons and get my liscence asap as it has been far too long without that kind of freedom. Forget needing manual l. to use the little red car – it’s Mum’s coveted possession now. I’ll buy a decent bomb as soon as I have saved enough. Had a sisterly whinge with Laura at mum and her overprotectiveness, I must say I was surprised she started it and not me as it is usually the other way around.

According to Laura, John (her boyfriend) has tentative plans to spend his summer break working in Australia – that’s about 3 months long (about May-June-July). My it shall be interesting if it happens, because we have to find room for him somewhere.

I have started writing a mental list of how I can effectively use all this free time. More of that later though before late night thinkings get all ambitious. I will hopefully share so you can keep me accountable and I don’t just spend the time sleeping and reading.

General Life

Published November 18, 2005 by

Concluding

I was sitting in front of the same old screen last night. I got so far as to open Blogger and then decided that, no it wouldn’t be the best idea. I was and am still entirely at a loss of what to say and how to describe finishing (YITS).

I surprised myself that there was no real crying and surprised myself further again that there was no huge feeling of loss. I cracked fractionally and felt as if I’d swallowed a pingpong ball when Kat was hugging me, bawling in my face and loving me with words. I had a strange response to Wednesday night, where I felt as if anyone dare to so touch me, or hug me or even maybe talk to me that I’d choke on over-sentimentality. It carried through to when I wandered up to the eating hall around 3:30am by myself to see if there was anyone I could be a silent companion with and if not, somewhere I could find space. It came through even to the following morning, where I flat refused Jess C and others ‘morning hugs’ with a, “No way, not in the mood” and ate cereal and drank tea without hardly a word to anyone

The camp was relatively unstructured with ‘Affirmation’ sessions. Three for our large group. We sat circular reminiscient of the Wednesday of mid-year camp and the person whose name was drawn from the tub was sat in the middle. I am still slightly unsure now as to what I think of the whole process. It was nice. It was quite moving with certain people, particularly those who had someone deeply impact their year. I had the last session and I’m pleased I had partial darkness (evening) as I sometimes find it a bit disconcerting looking people in the eye when they are saying something nice. It was okay. I didn’t feel elated or in a ‘bubble of niceness’ or however Jane explained it. I got Tom to scribe the lot for me as I would entirely forget otherwise, I’d rather look back on something later with some kind of memory aid and get more out of it than during the actual moment. The people I expected to talk did, which was good but well, expected. I found Mark probably the most encouraging as he is outside my immediate sphere of closer friends. The more external perspective was welcome. I let him know yesterday.

Tuesday. I went for a walk to the cliffs (the camp was at Anglesea) with a group of the girls and Matt. I walked with Clare on the way, I haven’t spent a whole lot of time with her this year it was definitely worthwhile finding out a bit more about where she is headed. She’s at Tabor next year so I dare say I’ll see her around if I drop by. Talked with Jane on the way back, someone who I should have spent more time with, she took the ‘preaffirmation’ thing to heart and said something to me before the night which was, I think far more valuable.

Dave and I pretty much annoyed eachother (good naturedly) most of camp. Spent a good hour or so with Jane, Dave and the others that joined us later (Rowan, Tracey, Michael, Dawn?) on the couch one evening talking everything from ‘hookups’ (none) and past YITS years, what could have been discussed but wasn’t, general relationships and other such things.

Wednesday morning, Lena (Ocean Grove facilliator) talked about God’s glory and pushed us out of the room to go and think about this year about being thankful and about where we are going to take things.

It forced me to go and talk intentionally with God. I’ve felt very removed from God for the past week or so and those times that I’ve tried, haven’t been very engaging. I took myself through where God has been throughout my year month by month. I came to how I was going to move on and reflecting on how through January to November I’ve asked God to show me the small ways (the ‘little things’) in how he is working. Wednesday night hit me like the flat of a hand when the majority of people’s ‘compliments/affirmation’ were around the little things I’d done for them this year. I didn’t realise it until I was thinking through it later. I am absolutely astounded sometimes at how God works.

Wednesday afternoon was spent at the beach. Much fun. Covered in sand from digging a massive hole. I went so far as waist deep into the water and no more as it was fairly cold. After we came back I sat and made Jessmyn play (piano) for me, not that she minded. Beautiful, manual jaw closing talent.

So, Wednesday night again. I sat for a long time in front of the fire listening to other people’s conversations and Laura and Tilla playing guitar and singing. Sad songs, ballardy songs they allowed me to simply not think and just listen.

Moving on? I made peace with God about it being the right time for this. Which might be why any sense of loss has been vastly lessened. Things have to end. This had to end, but will continue through the 39×10 different fingerprints left on my life.

I am a far richer person from having known them.
I am a far humbler person from having loved them.
I am a far more thankful person for having to listen to them.
I am indebted to how God has used them.

General Life YITS

Published November 12, 2005 by

Life

And so my sister begins her career. A nightime trip into the William Anglis to watch her first birth.

I marvel yet again at the contrast of our lives.

One womb. Similar life experience and yet here we are. She with a career relatively fixed, a relationship with a man she loves which will no doubt progress into marriage and then babies and then grandchildren. And me. No I’m not jealous. I am fractionally confused. I have no career path, I have no relationship, and I have no idea really where my life is going.

I don’t know what I’ll do with myself beyond uni. I don’t know if this is even where my real ability lies. I cannot however hard I try, see myself in a nine-to-five job as I cannot see what kind of job that would be.

What is with being the one who likes having goals, being planned? And having no footing there whatsoever.

Trust. How can you do good in the world if you can’t find a need that you can meet? If you are waiting for one to fall into your lap because you don’t know any other way.

I am not concerned about the future. I am concerned about the now. What am I doing with my life right now? What moments do we waste sitting around waiting for tomorrow?

General Life Uni