all said and done Posts

Published June 11, 2005 by

Muse

….back dating (it is actually the 13th today). Stonelea/business conference. Exceptional experience. Fairly interesting sessions. Given so much food.

so… what I wrote (two seperate times on the 11th) I actually found it pretty hard to think through anything. Random musing below.

———-

It is interesting. Observing myself and my strong desire for solitude. How I can be completely content to be well, alone. Particularly when I can sit in front of some expanse or peaceful no, even busy aspect of life. This is where I am met. I came out with two initiatives. The first to work out all the stuff – to plan I suppose the rest of my holidays. The second to escape my frustration of not having a camera to capture the moment/the place, the peace and set out to actually experience it. God said something about that to me.

I went for a walk and found people. The room is nice but no place when there is better outside. So I am sitting on the edge of this sweeping verandah with vines hanging beside me keeping me company. It is dusk. Some mountain across from me with an icing of cloud before the break where it is less dense and returning again to seamless cover. The stars wont come out tonight.

Oh there are distractions. Cars passing ever so often. A noisy cow. Tennis balls.

So I understand that I need practice in capturing the moment in words. What I want to do. To learn. To paint, to photograph with letters.

Grey and green. Not depressing, The quiet when you listen to it is replaced with noise. Birds, cows. There is life.

The poem… one line of it returned to me. I can’t remember anything but ‘the stillness’.
It is not still.

Is this one more cog in the wheel of finding a place. Discovering a bit more of who I am. Which in reality should be discovering a bit more of who you are.

Interrupted.

Moved inside.

I wonder God about the discrepancies of my writing. How I flick from writing to a ‘mock’ audience, to writing for you, writing to remember, writing because of writing.

Am I isolated. Yes. Do I do so intentionally. Yes. I like alone. I need you.
Do I like alone so much because I haven’t found the company I yet want.
Am I lonely. Not right now. Bigger picture, perhaps yes. But that time will come.

For now.

What do you want me to do? More so, how do I use this? What are my goals my dreams?

Got stopped short during the discussion on ‘Harmonised Passions”. When the question was asked, who knows you so well that they can look into your life and tell you where you’ve well, hmm need to re-emphasise your time.

What barriers do I have in friendships?

I thought about it. Who knows me so well besides you God? There are those I spend YITS day’s with. Bar two of them I haven’t known them more than 5months. That’s not long enough. (and 3 days out of every 7 besides). Do the maths. Not long.

Sam and Jess. Barriers there. Sister’s best friend.

Friends like Burkie, that know maybe head processes, but cannot possibly give effective insight into actions – how time is spent, how I live, unless I articulate it in the first place.

Aside from that. They are family – barriers there, self created, sanity created.
Or they are overseas, or I see them seldom.

This is what I am seeking to build with Katie and Jo.

In reality. The friendship building ability of Rebecca. Absolutely sucks. Be it influenced by eternally moving, fear of commonality, fear of a place of being. Yes.

Harsh truth of living elsewhere your whole life. Making friends you cannot keep in face to face contact on a regular basis. Once a year a miracle. And the year gap changes you so much that you essentially have to start from scratch again.

Melancholy.

Lord. Help me to be intentional. About friendships, writing, spending time with you, building relationships. Work in me. Grow me. Use me. I need you.

General Life Relationships Work

Published June 10, 2005 by

Until Monday

1hr and I’m heading off to a work conference… the long weekend up at Stonelea which is up Alexandra way. First time I dare say for me staying anywhere that isn’t exactly ‘cheap’ accomodation. Don’t have to share a room. Intend to enjoy myself, get that ‘time’ I’m so badly after. Thinking is high high on the priority list. Will have various work meeting things to attended as well as tomorrow afternoon’s ‘Round Robin’ activity (ie: group/families activity from fishing to scavenger hunt, to volleyball) weather permitting.
Weather does not look permitting.
I’m apparently the ‘green team’ leader. Hohum.

Rebekah Smith will be there. She’s Em’s age (16ish) which is good, as we’ve known the Smiths for a long time. Otherwise, work people and their families (be they married + children).

Today, for sleeping in. Made it 11:00, bed til 11:40ish. Vivid dreams. Its if I’ve unleashed some creative monster in my brain. Haven’t dreamt at all for ages and the past few days my head’s come alive. Known and unknown characters. Out there dreams. Strange locations, strange themes. Interesting. Not funny, not terrifying. Much as an onlooker. Memorable.

Breakfast. Spent some time sitting, worked out that past few days have revolved around me and not God and that is not good, spent time talking to God. Walked dog. Online. Spent ages looking for a non-existant bag to pack in and ended up with the Retravision one. Packed.

Looking online again at MK stuff (or the severe shortage of it, will think about that and my other as yet empty blog re: that). Looked at various blogs. Found my way to NaNoWriMo by accident. Remember vaguely being told about it. Might think about doing it. Need to write more specifically.

Checking if this image thing works again… This is accountabilty group (quite a bad photo of all us). Me, Katie, Jo.

Now I’d better pack up this computer and go get dinner. No internet for 4 days. Should be good for me.

General Work YITS

Published June 9, 2005 by

Colourful mind

Such fun. my mind hasn’t done this in ages. Run fantastically colourful tangents following every thought path and so reliving aspects of the day in a strangely inspired way.

Complaints about Connex. Appoligies to the one I normally have this conversation with as you almost got a message however my inability to be bothered learning how to use the dictionary in my phone properly and hence slowish method of letter by letter hadn’t quite spelled out my annoyance and thanks for your previous message, when the train started moving again. So I deleted the message before it was sent. My technology intrest has not yet breached the mobile gap. Ever moving as it is.

Aside from the slight deviation of speed, the train home was exceptionally boring aside from a good hour of ‘the Heart of Gold’, follooping mattresses named Zem and 2 second whale realities (although thats been a few weeks now) aka. Hitchhikers (Guide to the Galaxy, the books following), there were boring passengers. One while still boring, annoyed me no end when she opens her dim-sim semblanced chicken and stunk out the carriage. I have no problem with others eating on the train, hence the flake I grabbed on the way out of work and the apple I ate, reminiscent of breakfast I ate, also on the train. But food that smells. Likened to profound ‘why oh why’ moments of when you sit next to a smoker or some nose blocked old lady drowning in perfume.

No work tomorrow. Some stroke of pure loveliness. Don’t get me wrong I like work, but I am half burnt and exceptionally in need of a holiday. When hearing it I could have gone hysterically mad crying from relief. But as that is a very unBec thing to do, I didn’t. It is also a slight exaggeration. I could say it ‘put a spring in my step’ but I am too tired for that and for the moment that’s oldfashioned. A smile is as close as I got to the former.

Seeing as I am refering to methods of being unBec’ish I will complain about something girly, because it is a rare thing that I give it half a vocal thought. Skin. Much to do with my tendancy of getting absorbed in the book I’m reading, the window I’m staring out of or the faces I am observing while having my hand on my forehead, chin, cheek, you name it. Comparable to Saturn at the moment. Having been enlightened by the MX (some prototype of a newspaper) that Saturn’s mysterious ‘blue lakes’ are actually closely related to ethane, and hence there just must be volcanoes below this swirlling mass of cloudy whatever and no such marvellous lakes afterall. Metaphorically. I shall have to hope that volcano likened pimples disappear under a swirlling mass of something esle. Again I exaggerate to the severity of the situation. Again I could blame this on Connex. Although travelling from point A to point B is a useful thing so I wont.

Had some Switchfoot song trailing patterns in my head all day. I can’t remember it now. Walking down Bridport St with one wet sock to return the majority of the addressed envelopes I found on the floor at work. Noticed that the Albert Park yuppieville has finally begun to show it’s true self. Normality, eccentricity and the ‘quirks’ that inspire my mind. I like this place.
In addition to my fabled orange door. There appeared a few doors up and multicoloured bench seat, each rung different to eachother, a plain quite nice terrace house was immediately transformed into something vastly more interesting. A door up from that was evidence of normality in the way of a very normal looking pair of dirty runners. Finding evidence of life aside from the traditional thursday manicurist patrons was pleasant. Saying thus, I am walking the street backwards. In reality, it was the shoes, then bench, then my door.
I like drivers who wave you across so you don’t have to wait any longer in the puddle you were already standing in.

And now the wordsmithing streak has run fairly dry.

I am not drunk. I have never been drunk. I have been thinking I would like to experience this, in that a friends theory determines that I would be a happy not angry drunk… and would say ridiculous things. If it is in anyway like the way I go when on cold and flu tablets it would certainly be the case. Experience, but externally. More for the aspect that I would like to see what I would say and hence get a better look at what’s really going on in my head.

Enough twisted logic I say! I do not want to get drunk. This is purely evidence of my extraverted quirk tainted mind.

General On The Train

Published June 8, 2005 by

Slowing

I’m realising as I went back just before to put up backlogged stuff that tiredness seriously affects writing style. Saying thus, I think I am getting sick and have been awake purely due to caffeine today. Letting words flow well, or playing round to get stuff sounding ‘good’ has simply been low on the priority list. Journal has resulted in head dump of what went on in the day. Be it emotionally loaded, thought inspired or whatever, I frankly couldn’t care less.

Last day of semester. If only I was not working tomorrow and friday… ah that would be nice :
Good day. Apart from not being entirely with it. Actually no. Strange kind of detached me. Last day and I’d assume I’d desperately want to socialise as I wont be seeing people for 5 or so weeks, but no. I think I would have been completely content to be alone all day outside somewhere in the middle of nowhere… and that thought can be left there.

It was fun though. Did our oral presentation first, as Jess was feeling sick and wanted to go home. Went alright. “What is Success?”… went better than some of the others, wasn’t as good as some of the others. Middle of the range. Enjoyable one some of the guys did on ‘why they are women’ (Tilla saying to me, “poor boys, they’re so naive” :P). Some of the girls did a ‘why they are men’…. as Jess put it, rather ‘left wing’. Enjoyed the one on ‘choices’ and Tracey’s groups’ one on ‘depression’.

BBQ lunch put on by Rowan, Jacqui, Marko and Tilla. Hamburgers (best kind of BBQ).
Rowan was doing promo video/still stuff for YITS 2006. Some crazy group stuff of us singing, laughing being stupid etc… Apparently going to end up on the website.
As are I guess lots of the photos taken in the past few days. Many by me. Rowan shoved camera at me this week (… he didn’t know how desperate I am to get a camera at the moment haha 🙂 has been nice, kind of) SLR digital. Some good ones (photos), lots of bad ones 😛 got it taken off me lots.

…half of the yits people’s obsession with the game ‘dodo’. Which I wont explain here. But involving saying dodo until your breath runs out. Being grabbed by a group of people and held to the ground. Looks alright. But yeh, maybe not. Have watched so far. Being no big physical contact person… hating being slammed to the floor for no exceptional reason, not exactly my idea of fun.

Was rather antisocial today. Didn’t mind. Crash and burn time of the year, I think I shutdown a day too soon. Will hopefully be alive enough for work conference this weekend.

Prominent thing today. Funny how ‘hugs’ comes up, how I get the idea and I think I put forward that I don’t like them. Which yes there are times (most of them) I don’t, as mm. can find them as invading personal space. And people understand that, which is great; but other times, it would nice, very nice.
Or to or sit and be quiet with someone comfortably. Thats what I missed today. What I wanted.

Extension for Personal Creed. Thankful for sanity’s sake. Stress levels dropped hugely. Was getting photos off Rowan, but I left my usb stick there, so will probably have to wait until camp. Ah well. Scanned a few off Katie the other day. May put them somewhere. www.yearintheson.org will/should soonish be updated, no doubt with new stuff.

I need a holiday… more so, time, to read, to write, to pray, to think. To stop.

General YITS

Published June 7, 2005 by

World Without the Crap (abridged)

Tired. But oh what a good Tuesday. Goodbye tedious Tuesday forever – maybe.

Facinating Evangelism class. Best described – as I cannot be bothered completely reviewing, through some quotes I picked up. Minorly amusing looking at them because they tell little of the class. (on another note, this is what Tom wrote about Hyper Reality re: that class. How convienient!) continuing…

“Human beings are (have become) human doings” – Darren

“We are middleclass with upperclass taste.” – Mark Sayers

“There was a boxer who had a plan, then he got hit” – Mark S quoting someone

and instead of a a wwjd type thing > heaven = wwtc i.e. “World without the crap”

Much more from that class. Jesus mistaken as a gardener actually having a point > his (God’s) continuation of the Genesis project, perfect environment for humans.

So much stuff God. Strange how Evang. was the class in all of YITS that I was dreading the most – for some screwed up, naive reason and I ended up really enjoying and getting heaps out of it. This is your world, where your heart is (though I don’t know why), and ours should lie. In people. Help me God to invest in others and to do my bit to ‘grow’ the kingdom of God. Be my voice, in my words, my lifestyle, my relationships.

Old Testament test went well. Very glad that class is over.

Afternoon break, so much fun.
Photos – taking and being stupid. Laughing my guts out at what Jo said.

Accountability was good. Do regret one thing. Got talking to Katie about Laura (sister) and John (probably future brother-in-law). Talk moved to long distant relationships. Anyway, K trying to grasp how it would possibly work, which is very understandable. In my inability to find words, placed it somewhat flippantly back to being used to moving around lots (call it ‘brushing it off’ if you will). Which, yeah is true. But I could have persisted a little more and tried to explain better – in so doing, may have shared a bit more about what it is like. That it’s crap to have to do friendships that way. And to have treated her, I guess with a bit more…. hmm respect.

….more that I’m leaving unsaid. The God conversation aspect that doesn’t need to be public.

Christianity General Relationships YITS