…I confess my life would make and interesting movie. That is if you could live the life I live in my head, see things from my perspective. Actually it would be rather insightful to know what’s going on in there sometimes. To decode the music scales of my thoughts. Absolutely all over the place. I have a strange strange personality. I’m pleased to be me.

It’s remarkable God how our minds flick in rapid succession from one thought to another, the latter being entirely unrelated to the former and all that follow.

I was conciously thinking about thinking while still thinking and realised that I went from sussing out my flip swing attitude of today – wondering why I’m so alive tonght, to the life and death of a lady I barely knew, and attempting to remember what impact it had on my world. I realised that so many people who enter into your life leave marks or some kind. I remember her teaching me how to knit (bizzarest of things). To this day I’ve never finished anything but that’s not the point. She taught me.

I’m confused now God, why do I explain stuff like this when I could write Cathy Calder and you’d know each detail. How much is this for memories sake, how much for sharing, how much authentic communcation with you?
I love to write God.
And I don’t understand why this passion and love of words is revisting my head, it doesnt go away. Why I sometimes write… dare I say, well, and other times pound out the cliches and words like funny and stuff and random?
What plan do you have for that?

Also thinking about singleness and online youth ministry. I really, ha, would like a definitive guide on both… is it too much to ask for an article or conversation?

I felt lonely today. I have been a bit of late. I don’t like being passionless or goal-less. Show me things! Maybe I need my face slammed full of what I’m too occupied to see.

Beautiful God. You see me externally, internally and in every incomprehensible dimension. Thank you for that. For still loving me besides.

What I wrote today, simply because I don’t know what I got out of it besides this. We were meant to be (in a way) looking for God in the casino. I had trouble. What I ended up writing first was a sloppy mess, got home scrapped lines here and there, highly disjointed. A Psalm was the intention, but I couldn’t write one.

Casino

Chaotic – organised hurry
Where are you in this?
Pathways leading every which way.
The hospitality laden advertisments
are true to the reality.
Where black predominates through furniture,
jackets, people’s expressions, the carpet
Hospitality where the fake nature of the man at the door
is acted out with such precision
the smile is large, handshake strong, a picture of genuine
Here am I
and I’m trying to write a Psalm in a
place I find it hard to feel
Words can’t make much sense God when
each time I look up something has changed
This place is it’s own world
Happy, sad
Designed to invite people to stay
Every convienience but sunlight, space to think
What do I think?
What do you think?

Then I thought I’d better stop rambling words and write something. Haven’t written a poem or anything in a long time. sloppy again, but then that doesn’t really matter because it got my empty head on to paper.

Looking across I can see
A scrambled mess of table legs
Shaddows stretching around
Consumers legs
Passing
Continuing
And I, sitting.
And old lady walks past
Her glasses out, and off
As though the need to see is gone
Walking out from the world within a world
Not smiling
Shaddows wrapping lines around
ankles
Adding lines to lines
Caught up
Blind
Oblivious

Jo slept over last night. It was nice to, or rather is nice to be able to relate to the word ‘enjoy’. Filled time effectively, had a good talk.

God, it’s funny bringing that back, spending time with someone and realising there’s not a million other things you’d rather be doing – like the other times. Teach me the authenticity of friendship. I need to relearn that with JessD adn catch up with her more. You put her in my life for a reason thats a certainty. You’ve spoken through her before. Thankyou for honesty – good confrontation, real friendship.

Envy. A funny concept that visited me today. I was able to stand back and experience something I haven’t conciously before. I am surprised. Not that I haven’t experienced envy, but a recognition of how tightly linked it is to self image. Please forgive me God. I really wanted to be her (whom will remain nameless) today. It was strange. Because the moment the thought entered my head the utter stupidity of the idea and the ‘I am happy with who I am’ was there. Offered a choice I guess. To dwell on it or not. I did not and am thankful I did not. I am annoyed the thought arrived in the first place.

hmm God, help me to understand who I fully am in you. Have and sidelined normalities decided to pay me a visit? Self assure. Convinced Idon’t have issues with it for so long. Yes I do. I know I do. Not the extent of many and maybe differently.
Self image. The mirror monster for the moment ignored, always ignored. Do I need to fight it? Have I fought it? If I can’t or choose not to let it factor in my life will it still appear later? I do and live life backwards sometimes. Maybe I am just extremely self aware.

You just want me to pray God don’t you. To shut up writing and start talking and listening.
Ok.

Wednesday night.

Out all day. YITS’ing. Particular highlights being LS (lifeskills) class taken again by Becki S more about Boundries. Not quite as good as last week, can’t place why – I think everyone was a bit asleep. CAF duty (the Tabor Cafe – staffed by Carmen, Katie and the YITS crew). Always on with Katie, Michael, Kat and Sara. Sara and I clean, I generally do food as well – it’s usually just me, today she didn’t even bother to come in, saw her ordering food. Should be frustrated but I’m not. Have good relationship with Katie despite only seeing her once a week (no this is not YITS Katie).

Spent the afternoon at the Casino 😛 indeed. So we’ve done the outdoors, the cathedral, the shopping centre, now the casino. Did not end up going into the gaming section as Jo had her backpack with her and they weren’t happy with that… the so called cloakroom avoided our quick scan of the room so we decided not to bother and wandered awhile, bumped into some other groups and eventually found ourselves at a table in the food court – the alternative being outside in the rain. Lovely rain.
Intention was to blah blah… I’ll eventually get round to working that out and might come write some back here. Write a Psalm being one task, but I found that didn’t really work.

Met the others at 3:30. Long trip back to the car, Alecia realised she left her jumper back near McDonalds so she and Sam went back and would meet Jess and I between the Exhibition building and Crown. Anyway (hmm this is strange just blabbing on about the day). Somehow directions as to where to meet them got confused, there being two Hotel (I’ve forgottens) and Jess and I circumnavigated the Spencer St area of the city missed them the second time and after about 5 phone calls met them where we originally had planned to find them.

Drove home, Jess majorly late for something, listened to Mike Pilovachi (whatever name) some Soul Survivor sermon thingo – prty good except I don’t do just listening usually, and I would have much prefered mindless music of some kind. More rain. Ended up somehow talking about ‘kissing first only on wedding day’ and the (non)validity/validity of that. (mind not made up entirely – yes but no. ask me if you really want to know because I need to think about it some more).

Home. Tea. Now. No time to stop as yet. I have a feeling I have loads to do. Unimpressed because I have to get up early to work tomorrow. Strange desire to watch Little Women (don’t ask why). Need to think about this afternoon more and whatever I got or was meant to get out of it. Can’t work out what kind of day I really had. Need to write, which is why I’m on here. Laughed at a very random email (thankyou :)). Glad cooking was successful last night, the second of late – Jo’s help may have been the reason. Thought I should read ‘Came Back to Show You I Could Fly’… so I could decide whether to agree or not w/ A on his essay, and because I’ve forgotten it. Want to finish reading the Boundries book. Have to work out which Pract. Evang questions to do with Melina tomorrow. Intention to write a to-do list, which I think I have just done. Figured I have just bored the face off whoever bothered to read this.

7:09. whole evening to fill.
now to decide what to do with it.

Such a different day. Yesterday dubbed: terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, and I have chosen not to describe as I was being neither uplifting to others – God found a way through peoples words and through Psalm 73, even though it did mean hitting the repeat button on CD player reading it about 5 times (don’t ask me why that Psalm), doing something I wouldn’t normally do or didn’t have to do. Humbling kind of day, annoyed with myself and multiple others. I felt 14 again. God forgives and he showed me that others do as well, more willingly than you can try to hope for.

…Psalm 73, it was good to hear those words again first thing this morning. Worth the effort of getting up a bit early and spend the first bit of the day with you.

What a difference small actions make in contributing to assurance, an acknowledgement, a word, a touch, a smile.

Looked at the Holy Spirit in Doctrine today. I realised for the first time the funny connection of birds and the use of the dove (random thought that jumped into my mind, which would have absolutely no significance for anyone else) How it’s never occured to me before, that funny way God that you bought back that promise this morning with those out the window and the one that made an apperance at lunch. That thought aside…

I got the strong impression taht I need to start fully trusting you with this ___ stuff, because I’m getting frustrated over the little things, stressing out and creating problems where they don’t need to be. Have it God. It was never our idea in the first place, but yours.

I wonder how peace ties in with decision making? If we are confident in you God, your leading whatever our move happens to be, you can use it. I guess it struck me that it may have been a situation where there was no right or wrong. That you were willing and able to run with whichever and besides, you knew what was going to happen in the first place. Is that why? That the peace will follow on, not what we are certain is right or best, but our trust in your ability to work in and through our circumstances. What, is it best to decide and then wait for peace? What about trusting God completely and the peace a product of that.

We shared Creative Living Projects today. I was deeply impacted by many, proud of all. Glad to understand more of who they are, encouraged to hear of their journies. Thankful I could share a little of my own. Thank you for the courage.