Month: <span>May 2006</span>

Which ever the wrong side of the bed is, I definitely got out of it this morning. Mothers day right. I spent the car trip to church letting myself be annoyed by her. Hence the start of church felt wrong/awkward. I was not in a good place; I knew it and it frustrated me still in trying to do something about it.

I could not make head or tail of the sermon. It started off about faith and I was keyed into listen, but it was disjointed – some good stuff was said, but systematic wasn’t happening and try as I might, I failed to join the dots. Surprisingly Ezekiel made an appearance, as did the need to encourage, so maybe it was a sounding board for some of this week’s stuff?

I was sitting at home reading some of Big Girls Don’t Whine and letting my mind wander over the week and some of what’s come up. Although I can’t go into explicit detail here I’ve realised I’ve been getting a bit caught up over an assumption I’ve made. Yes, it does have a decent grounding and part of me might even want it to be true even though it would bring up a whole heap of unwanted hurdles, but it’s not helping things. I shouldn’t be going around realising something into actuality until it is concrete. Those who know more of this can laugh their faces off and do the ‘aww’ thing, but I think I want my super realistic, “in the now” view back. It works. It leaves you living far more contented with the way things are. And hey, it eliminates or at least stalls some other problems. To be honest, it’s these side things that have me concerned. I’d rather not delve into the feeling barrel and the mess of my uncharted mind before I need to. Coping mechanism?

I am frustrating myself today. There is much I know and don’t live. Much I want to live and struggle doing so. Peter Pan’ing is not an option even though it’d be easier.

It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.” With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence. All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
– 2 Cor 4:13-18

Maybe God did have something to poke at me in the jumble of that sermon afterall…

Last night I had a rather facinating conversation with a friend, I mentioned the old questions and enquires thread on Gush, which was an, ‘ask questions about guys and girls’ thread. It snowballed from when he asked, “What do you want to know?” What a minefield of opportunity! The poor boy was subjected to many many questions. Mind you, he threw a fair few of them back in my face and so I think managed to get something out of it himself.

Some of the more interesting insights actually came from his end,

“What’s something guys should know about girls?”

A good bit of rambling followed, but something that came up was in the way of compliments. I’m not exactly sure why and I’m hoping here that I can represent a female generalisation (or something’s stuffed and I’m sorry), being told by a guy that you are smart or funny or whatever is really nice, but compliments about how you look actually strike a deeper chord. I don’t think that I’m obsessed with my apperance, and I do think I’ve got a reasonable self esteem, but I’ve enough of a gague on myself to know that such things at least carry a fair bit of weight initially. They say looks aren’t supposed to matter it’s all the inner beauty stuff. That’s all very well, but something really does hit home when you can associate erm, lets use the word beauty here, with yourself.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Guys need to learn how to encourage girls appropriately and the appropriate thing is even more important when it comes to compliments, it’s the more risky, but don’t leave looks out of it all the time. Find the tact to let a girl know she’s looking nice even if you don’t intend to ask her out.

There is however the problem of her misinterpretting you as girls minds can grab at threads and go mad, so you’d better make sure you’re being consistent with all/most your female friends. Oh and don’t over do it (until you’ve due reason to), it’s just not cool and it sounds fake. Ha! I’m glad I’m not one of you; it’d be such a complicated business.

The most eye opening question of the night was this one:

“What’s something you’ve always wanted to know about guys but were too afraid to ask?”

I’m not sure whether I misinterpreted the question or if it does make logical sense, I took a bit of time wondering what to say and quite shocked myself by coming out with the following: “What do you (guys in general) think of me? I.e: all up”

I was not in any way fishing for a compliment or an affirmation despite it sounding thus. It was a strange thing to admit and I didn’t know what to think of myself afterwards.

He was silent for quite a while and came back and actually answered it. Wow uncomfortable, but a really good experience. Belive me, I’ve been rehashing it at various points in my day. Nothing like someone’s good opinon to slap a bit of worth on your forehead.

What would it be like if we were more honest with our friends? I think I’ve talked about how we suck at encouragement before.

It was good reminder to act on it more frequently. Being genuine and verbal about others people’s qualities would do marvels for the world.

Returning to the looks thing, this does need to be mentioned,
“ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. ”- (Proverbs 31:30) We need to remember very distinctly that it is not looks that are going to pull through and last the distance. Strength can be gleaned from a well placed word and helps on the immediate ‘self worth’ thing which in turn I’d hope would help in understanding a little more of how God see us. It’s not everything though.

“Why is beauty so important?” I guess that we (females) got that edge of God’s likeness. Or the humorous interpretation: each thing that God made just kept getting better and woman was last, so I guess she’s the crowning glory. Hehe.

I’m not trying to sprout, ‘How females are better’, we are fundamentally the same: “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” (Gen 1:27), but I do think we are different.

I happened to read Psalm 139 in the NLT version some time today and it’s too good not to share:

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.

Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous–and how well I know it.

-Psalm 139:13-14 (full passage)

We just really have to learn to remind eachother of it once in a while instead of going out of our way to get it off of others.

What a thoroughly uneventful way to quit work. I left a letter on my Boss’s desk after realising (a slight oversight) that neither of them nor the manager work on Saturday.

I let Simone know and then Susan. They are sorry to see me go. Susan asked me what was next and did the whole, “You’ll be a loss to them” thing and something about, “Showing promise for working in said* trade” (So shoot me first) She’s not finishing up soon as I thought- which is better in a way, I’m not leaving the company high and dry. Despite wanting out, I don’t think I’ve quite got it in me to desert them in a desperate hour. I really like both of the ‘S’ ladies. I didn’t bother telling Grace.

Dave was a kind friend and dropped in to see me, we chatted far more than I would’ve dared if the manager had’ve been there. I returned the favor when my 2’oclock came round, went down and said hi to him while he was unpacking some beetroot – thrilling stuff.

Drove to Word as I’d planned last night, I prefer Koorong but Nunnawadding is closer than Blackburn. Word frustratingly situated. If you miss the turn into the Brandsmart sliplane you can’t just turn at the actual street. I did miss the turn.

You really shouldn’t shop when you are in a ‘whatever’ frame of mind as you end up spending more. I bought four books. I rarely am that supurfulous with money, I had the sense to restrain myself from five. There goes today’s pay. Still, I got 15% off thanks to a tabor graduation present (‘go vouchers’ *mock cheer*) and a good lot of reading/thought matter to continue with. The guy who served me was nice and gave me it (the voucher) back so I could use it again at a later date.

Christian merchandise makes me gag, if it weren’t for the occasional book or CD I’d avoid those places like nothing else. So, came home with: Big Girls Don’t Whine (which was one Roz had and shared on the ‘girls morning’ at camp and I’ve been interested in it for a long while), A Woman and Her God I confess this one was a bit on impulse, no idea what it’ll be like. A Beautiful Offering, also ‘just because I saw it’, Angela Thomas is a reasonable author ( ‘Do You Think I’m Beautiful’) it’s my hope that this one wont involve too many ‘dance’ metaphors, besides, its not about relationships in the typical sense, but about God – so surely not. I also randomly found this book called Perspectives aim’ed at 20something’s. So what. But it’s done by RELEVANT and they publish stuff that prompts thought. Brain food is something I like rather a lot and I’ve started running the parental’s shelves dry on ‘God angled books’, or at least of the ones that interest me.

I’m really tired again. Hannah was all lovely and made me chai-tea when I got home. My room’s a mess. I want more than ever to work my head and old blogs into a ‘collective’ lot of erm Rebecca essays and do something with them. I dont’ ever want to see or wear my work shirt again, but I may have one last shift next week which is a real bummer. It feels fantastic knowing I wont have to go back there and back again and again and again. /random

Another post later as something’s doing the slow roast in my brain.

*bookshop

Oh yeah thats right. I go to bed relatively unbothered by something and I wake up thoroughly confused because I’ve half realised something and it still doesn’t work! Oh I hate my brain and my subconcious sometimes! Time, time, just roll on!

A pleasant day all round.

Woke up at a reasonable hour. I was eating breakfast and having a bit of a think about how I haven’t really been learning much about who God is and other around that area and how it was bit annoying that was the case, then got the idea (Holy Spirit induced I’m gathering) that its rather been my own doing. I haven’t been looking/searching it out. Bit of a ‘duh’ moment – which happens now and then.

I spent a good bit of time reading Ezekiel, of all books. I keep coming across it, and ignoring it and so when it came up again this morning in my lazy perusal I decided I’d read it. It’s such a strange book. Puts the, ‘fear of God’ and a, ‘jealous God’ really into perspective. It’s so weird though. You wonder how it got into the Bible. How much is ‘vision’, how much is actual? Very disturbing in a way. God is so unbelieveably angry at unholiness. So frustrated with the people of Israel. So jealous about idols. So much what he should be. So much so that we should be really really concerned with the lives and ‘salvation’ (I use that loosely) of other people. Who are we not to obey, not to hurt for the world, not to do something about it?

I got interuped around chapter 23 when Jessica D dropped by on her way back home and stayed for half an hour or so. Then I invited Sam down for lunch and got her to eat tuna (her “I hate” food) as I made tuna burgers. She actually liked them, which had me impressed. Mind you I’m not the worlds biggest tuna fan either and I like them, so it all fits.

We went to Morrisons for afternoon tea. I was good and had Chai (as did she. NO CAFFEINE) however tempting their lattes are. They still took it as my ‘freebee’ (Coffee Cards are great things!). It was so busy up there! We still managed some excellent conversation and some rather funny conversation about something I don’t talk about much. Which gave her face this permanent smile and had her giggling at odd intervals (not that it’s all very out of the ordinary really). It was kind of cool to be freeish to talk about it.

Took the dog for a decent walk/run – it’s been a while. Gave me more time to think and enjoy the day.

I wrote my resignation letter. They’ll be getting a week’s notice – that’s all I ever get with shifts.

Dear X and Y,

I want to thank you for the time I’ve worked with you and the others at ‘the store’. Unfortunately due to uni loads, availabilty and the relevance of the work towards career, I will be finishing employment with you by the 21^st of May 2006.

Thank you again for the experience of working with you,

Rebecca

Yeah it’s a bit of bubble, but you can’t exactly say formally that: I really am not enjoying myself, the hours are crap, you give me hardly any notice of when I’m working, you complain at my lack of availability on Sundays and in general…

It’s going to feel so good to finish up there. Fare ye well to a 6 month lot of experience. Tilla, I’m coming to join you on the other side! Although that does mean working from home for a while until I decide to go job hunting again.

One thing I didn’t do today was to look at what homework I should’ve started on… a slight oversight.

Friday week, a group of twelve of us are off to see Top Acts at Hamer Hall.

“Top Acts presents VCE performing arts students from 2005 who achieved outstanding results in dance, drama, theatre studies, and music (group and solo)”

It’ll be a mix of church people and YITS people which shall be interesting. Considering Robyn is in for her monologue (theatre studies) I’m surprised we didn’t get more of the church people. So it’ll be: Jess W, Laura (sister), Sam, Alecia, Emma, Laura (yits), Daniel, Cameron, Jerome, Iain, Kat (church) and myself. Which shall make for a very bizarre experience.

Should be a LOT of fun.